So, I 27F comes from a family that’s big on traditions, especially around holidays and birthdays. Most of them are easy going, but there’s one that always made me nervous. At every major family gathering, one person is singled out and then everyone is expected to make jokes at their expense. It’s framed as playful, and people laugh, but the jokes often hit personal things, insecurities, past mistakes, failed relationships, that kind of thing.
Growing up, I didn’t have a choice and just sat there taking it when it was my turn. As an adult, I’ve tried to laugh it off, but it still makes me uncomfortable. This year, during a large family dinner, my aunt announced that it was my turn again since I hadn’t been mocked for a while.
Before it started, I calmly said I wasn’t comfortable doing it anymore and asked if we could skip me or do something else. The room got awkwardly quiet. A few people laughed like I was joking, but I repeated myself and said I really meant it. I wasn’t angry or dramatic.
My aunt looked offended and said I was being overly sensitive and ruining the fun. A couple of relatives said I was putting everyone on edge and that’s just how our family bonds. Others stayed quiet. They ended up skipping the jokes entirely, and the rest of the dinner felt so serious.
Afterward, I got messages saying I embarrassed my aunt in front of everyone and made the gathering uncomfortable by not going along with a long-standing tradition. On the other hand, one cousin privately thanked me and said they’ve always hated it too but never felt brave enough to say anything.
I didn’t tell anyone else to stop participating, however, I just didn’t want to be the target anymore. But I can’t shake the feeling that I changed the mood for everyone else.
AITA for refusing to go along with the tradition even though it upset people and changed the dynamic of the night?
ESH you are nta not for ending the family “roast” but this is something you should have expressed long before this. The fact that you only spoke up when it was your turn makes you mildly ta
That tradition you’re talking about reminds me of a cult, I forgot its name. The one that started with curing addicts. They called this mocking sessions “The Game”.
Could any of your relatives be somehow connected to this?
Anyway. NTA. And I guarantee you, others, with a couple of exceptions, would be glad to stop participating in this stupid thing.
Update.
Looked it up: the cult was called Synanon.
I suggest OP looking it up too, especially about “The Game”. This tradition of yours is really awfully alike to this cult practice.
Plenty of cults do a similar thing – break you down and point out all your flaws and weaknesses until you feel like you’re worthless, then hit you with the “God/your fellow cult members love you” stuff so that it reinforces both your loyalty to the cult and your fear of outsiders/leaving.
They do it differently though. They point out all your flaws, sure, but they don’t stage the roast sessions like that OP’s family tradition.
Synanon wasn’t a cult initially. And “the Game” was some kind of a bizarre therapy thing created by its founder to cure addictions. Thousands people from all over the world take part in those sessions.
Look it up.
NTA I suspect a lot of your family hate this stupid “tradition” too but we’re afraid to speak up ( don’t blame them with a family of bullies). Only the ones who like the bullying or don’t want to rock the boat are angry.
So they pick a person to bully at family gatherings and call it traditional bonding? Why are you still going to these dinners? Nta.
NTA Roasts are painful for me to watch even if I’m not getting roasted. Rickey Gervais said his humor came from his family of roasters so I thought it was a British battle of wits. I see other cultures roasting but then some people get beat up for talking about their moms. I don’t get it.
NTA. Who started that, that is just awful.
Ritualised public humiliation sounds abusive.
NTA. This got to be a joke, right? Who on earth thinks it’s funny to ‘roast’ and mock people like this?! This is absolutely bullying. Not normal nor okej
Was your Aunt in Synanon? I had family briefly there & that sounds like one of the weekly staff meetings.
Isn’t that a common cult practice?