Using a throwaway account
I(45M) have a daughter Amy (16F) with my ex and my wife(41F) has a daughter from a previous marriage Cara(14F). Fake names.
My daughter has always done well in school and was among the top performers in elementary and middle school so for high school, we found a good private school which teaches more advanced concepts than regular high school and opens more opportunities for learning and better for college applications. She is doing well in this school but the school comes with a hefty fees. I don’t mind paying as it will help her future.
On the other hand, my stepdaughter isn’t as academically inclined, she was mostly average performing throughout. But we decided it would be good to put her in the same school as well. Since my daughter already went to this school, it was easier to get admission for her as well.
This is where the problem is- Cara has been performing terribly on every test so far. This school has 6-8 smaller tests per subject each semester. After she got F’s on her first 2 tests, though she wasn’t the best, these F’s are the first time she did so poorly. We hired a tutor for her, she is an older student from her school and she has improved but she’s barely passing most subjects- mostly D’s and C’s in some. It’s not from lack of effort either, she does work hard, I see her study. But every bad grade makes her feel worse.
I brought up putting her back in public school the next year and my wife was angry. She said that this is a good school and that Cara just needs to work harder and it will give her more opportunities. I said she is not going to get any advantage with getting such grades. I said that doing well in public school is better than failing from this school. She said that Cara just has to work harder and I said that she does work hard but not getting the results. So I don’t see any point continuing her for the next year. My wife said that I don’t care about Cara and favour Amy and that I’m calling Cara stupid. I said that’s not what I’m saying and that this school is just not a good fit for her and that she will be better off in public school. I said I would have been fine paying the fees if she performed well but clearly she isn’t. This isn’t about favouring Amy but I can’t waste money and watch her get demotivated.
YWBTA, why haven’t you had her assessed? Are there undiagnosed issues, is there bullying? She seems to be a hard worker, so there must be a reason she isn’t getting it. Why would you punish her with an inferior education for not being as gifted when she studies so hard? You would be telling her that she isn’t worthy because she must be stupid.
No, we haven’t had her assessed before.She hasn’t mentioned bullying but she does feel pressured. This is not meant to be a punishment, my intention is to make it better for her because she feels pressured.
NAH. Everyone is trying to do the right thing here, but there’s no way to avoid poisoning the well by asymmetrically providing access to broader opportunity for your kid over hers, no matter any disparity in effort or competence.
This is not a hill I would die on until the school gave you no other choice. You aren’t going to win this fight with maintained relationships. It’s not gonna happen
If she is trying hard to study well and your response moving her to a public school because she isn’t smart enough to justify the costs, I’d personally be so fucking demotivating tbh.
YWBTA. Sometimes a school means more than her overall grades. She just needs to graduate, she deserves the same opportunities as her sister always.
YATAH.
I get it’s not great to waste money, and if Cara isn’t thriving there, the poor grades might inhibit her chances of getting into a good school. That is true, to a degree.
Why I think you’re the AH here is that your first move is to yank her out of the school. She needs a proper tutor, not an older kid who comes and helps. But, she may also need counseling. Depending on how recently you got together with her mom, and a whole host of other things (down to the look on your face when she comes into a room), could be affecting her progress. Not to mention any loss of friends she may be feeling from entering a new school.
There are so many steps before “she can’t handle this school,” which is why I believe your current wife is upset with you. Either you really believe her child isn’t smart enough, which is what I thought when I read your post, or you’re missing a huge chunk of how education works and what causes children to fail.
Do you massively praise your other daughter in front of this child? Does she get positive attention from you for her successes? 14 is a brutal age, and it’s an especially brutal age at which to have a new father figure.
Pls go to your wife and apologize, and then have a real discussion about why this child is failing and what you can BOTH do to help her.
The academics at this school is probably more than Cara can handle. Cara’s mom is hurting her more than she’s helping her by not recognizing that this school is not a good fit for her.
Yes, sometimes being tutored by your peers is more effective.
Depends if you want to put that poor Child thru this just to have contacts in the Old Boys(Girls) Club.
Not all people are academically inclined, and that’s ok.
What isn’t ok is putting a Child thru this stress, when she may do better elsewhere. Talk to her, please.
NTA
What about putting them both in public school so no one is favoured over the other.
private school won’t make her look any better on college aps if she’s just barely passing. i think a fair solution is see how well she does until the end of this school year and after that talk to her about if she would rather study harder and hopefully catch up to the other students or find other alternatives. if she’s feeling demotivated or stressed about her current school situation then i agree thag other avenues shoild be explored
The thing is, back in public school she will do even worse. At least in the private school teachers CARE more about pupils achievements. But ultimately your choice
I think you communicated the whole badly, to put it nicely. First thing is get a good conversation with your step daughter and ask if she’s happy or would like to chance things. Putting her in a public school can feel as a failure for her and can go really badly. Maybe this type of education is not for her, look into other private school with a different teaching method. But whatever you decide, please involve your step daughter. It will help her mentally too.
I think you and your wife need to talk both to Cara, and to the school. Given what you are spending, they should be all over her and her educational needs. If she’s struggling like this all of a sudden, it’s the school’s job to figure out how to support her – that’s what you’re paying for. If there’s something else going on, she needs to trust that you both love her and have her back so she can tell you about it, and you can fix it together. If the best decision turns out to be moving to a different school, make that call together and make sure she sees it as being her choice for what she wants, rather than either being forced into something she can’t handle or being punished for failing at something she never even wanted in the first place.
I can see good intentions here as well as the frustrations so I’ll vote NAH, but you and your wife can do better here.