I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for about a year and a half. I’ve known for a long time that he wants to move cities for in order to go back to school for his masters. The plan has been that we would move down together, he would go to school full time and I would work full time and possibly go back to school. I’ve been on board because I want to support him and be with him. The issue is that as the date has been getting closer I’ve realized that I don’t want to move. I thought that I would be okay moving because I love him and I want to stay with him. I have all my family and friends in our current city and I job that I love, I also love the city itself. The city we would be moving to is also the second most expensive city to live in in our country and I don’t know how we will be able to afford it. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for not wanting to move now. I know that I need to talk with him about it but I don’t know how. I love him and don’t want to lose him but the city is 5 hours away, I don’t know if we can make long distance work. He drives and I take the bus, we would hardly have time to see each other and I doubt he would drive down to see me very often, I did most of the traveling for our relationship before we lived together. I’ve always struggled with expressing what I want and I have a terrible habit of pushing my feelings aside to appease others. I’m thinking maybe I just don’t talk to him and just move, maybe I’ll be happy there and I’m scared for nothing. I don’t want to lose him but I also really don’t want to move. We are living together and I struggle being in the same room with him out of guilt, I know I need to express how I feel but I’m sacred.
It is unfair to both of you if you keep quiet or delay telling him.
I would find a time when you are both relaxed and not tired.
Tell yourself it’s just a conversation. How do you start a conversation with your boyfriend about… anything?
I like to ask a question.
Thank you for that advice, i want to do it on a day we both have off work so we don’t have any stress from that
Great idea. Remember that you can take breaks from conversations too if everything gets a bit much.
In my experience conversations go better when you are both taking a nice walk somewhere like around the neighborhood or in a park. Something about moving keeps the conversation going smoother.
Girl, I am sorry to tell you this but if you are scared of telling your partner how you really feel you are in a bad relationship. A relationship is only good when both partners feel comfortable around themselves and can be themselves. It doesn’t matter if there are or aren’t any signs of abuse, if you are making yourself smaller than your partner something is wrong.
I have been in such a relationship, I thought my partner was so much better than I was that I just went along with anything he wanted. Fortunately he was a genuinely good guy who picked up on this and ended the relationship. He wanted an equal partner and he wanted the same for me. The breakup hurt… a lot, but it was for the best. I worked hard on myself and had the comfort of my Friends and Family, plus a job I loved. And now I am happily married with a man whom I can be myself with.
Maybe your partner is like my ex. Just more oblivious since he didn’t pick this up for 3 years. In that case, you can just tell him that you are sorry, but you can’t move with him. If he is a Good Man, he will be upset… but mostly at himself for not noticing how you felt.
If you are genuinely afraid of his reaction however…. it’s safer to make sure you move yourself and your valuables out first. And tell him in a public Place with people you Trust nearby as Backup.
I apologize I should have worded that better. I’m not scared of his reaction I’m just scared I will lose him. I developed the habit of making myself small from childhood and it got a lot worse when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex. Im working to fix it but i definitely need a lot more work
Yes, that is precisely the same as with my ex. He was not the problem, the issue was with me. But that didn’t change the fact that the relationship was wrong simply because I was so afraid of losing him that I was willing to stay quiet and do things that would make me unhappy.
You speaking up will probably be the best possible thing for your relationship.