I (23F) am in a relationship with a man (23M) that I met on a dating app while I was still in college. He lived about 4 hours away, but after talking for a few weeks he made the drive to come meet me for the first time for a few days and it was wonderful. We clicked immediately. I’d done online dating a couple times before, but never got to the point where we met up because they were all awful and noncommittal. This was my first time ever being with someone in person romantically, and it was genuinely perfect. We both got emotional when we had to leave each other for the first time. Just after I graduated and right before I had to move back home with my parents (which is a 10 hour drive from him), him and I both went to each other’s family beach vacations and met each others families and I stayed at his apartment for a week in between. In hindsight, this was probably a pretty hasty move so soon, but it was probably the best opportunity for us to meet families for a while. Those vacations were also incredibly amazing, and spending time with him was some of the most fun and most adventure I’ve ever had, as someone who hadn’t dated in person before and is somewhat sheltered. We had one other meet up where I flew to him and stayed at his place for three weeks, and that was equally as much of a lifechanging experience. All of this is to say, I absolutely adore this man. We share the same unconventional ass hobbies, are both unapologetic nerds in a hobby that VERY rarely has straight people in it (yeah, cringe but were furries), and we are so comfortable and at home with each other. Our relationship feels almost like a miracle… except for one big issue. He knows he wants biological kids at some point in the future, and I don’t think I do. I have a severe fear of pregnancy and cannot see myself ever going through birth, but adoption isn’t really an option for him and he’s not too interested in surrogacy either. This difference in what we want has thrown a massive wrench into our relationship. While neither of us want kids within the next couple of years, we fear continuing the relationship only for things to remain the same at the end of the day, him wanting kids and me not. I don’t know if I will ever want kids, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my fear of pregnancy. I don’t think it’s impossible, but I don’t want to lead him on with false hope only to not change. I just feel like it’s too early for me to know what I’m going to want when I’m in my 30s, even if right now I’m heavy on no kids. I just really don’t know what to do. I’ve never had something this wonderful in my life and I’m so scared of ending it, especially with how hard it is to find good men my age nowadays. Right now him and I are in limbo right now. He loves me as much as I love him and neither of us really want to let go, we just don’t know what to do. Is it worth it to stay friends? Do I stay with him romantically and just see where life takes us, even if it means it might end painfully later?
TLDR; I have the first nontoxic and genuinely loving relationship in my life, but he wants biological kids at some point later in life and I have a visceral fear of pregnancy and could not see myself ever wanting to be pregnant. It’s still early and were both young, but I worry that continuing the relationship will just be delaying the inevitable and making it harder to split later.
Looking for any and all advice, I don’t know if I can make this decision alone.
My sister was you. She got married to him anyway and delayed a baby as long as she could. He finally said to her it was fine if she did not want a baby but they should go their own separate ways.
My sister had a baby she didnt want because she didnt want to lose her husband. She was ok when pregnant and had a planned c section due to her fears.
But she hated motherhood. Absolutely hated that her time wasnt her own and her identity was swallowed up by the child. Pregnancy wasnt the only thing she hated.
They had the most acrimonious divorce imaginable and have zero contact and the child lives between 2 households.
You are both only 23 you dont need to decide now but tbh if you are clear you dont want kids and he wants kids this is not something that can be compromised on. Id cut losses now.
This is the kind of nightmare scenario I want to avoid so bad. I have moments where I’m like “you know maybe being a mom would be cool”, but I’m never certain if it’s coming from a place of not wanting to lose him, just hormones that’ll wear off, or if it’s coming from a real genuine place in my heart that wants it deep down. The last thing I want is to be a mother and regret it and end up miserable for the rest of my life, it’s a scarier thought to me than not having kids and regretting it, because at least then I feel like there’s ways I can fill that void through nieces/nephews, volunteering, fostering, etc. Once you have kids you cannot go back, there’s nothing you can do, and that terrifies me.
You need to be very clear to him about your feelings.
Children are a deal breaker in many relationships. There is no way to reconcile differences on this.
Edited for typos
If he wants kids and you do not, you are not compatible long term. You seem a little on the fence but leaning no. You really need to look inward and see what you truly want. You should not have kids if you don’t want them.
However, if your only hang up on kids is that you don’t want to get pregnant and deliver them, I think that is something you can get over. Personally, I always wanted kids, but was scared of pregnancy and childbirth. But here I am, having now gone through to two pregnancies and delivering two kids. It’s really not that bad, even though it is hard. If you want kids, it’s 100% worth it.
But only you can determine if you will ever want kids or not. If the answer is no, then you need to break up.
Pregnancy itself is a big part of it, but I also just struggle to see myself being truly happy having kids too. I feel like I would be an awesome mother, but my peace is extremely important to me and I value being able to have solitude when I need it, both of which you kinda have to sacrifice when you have children. I just know I would be miserable, even if having children can be so joyous at times too, I just don’t know if it’s the life for me.
Are you willing to date “for now” knowing there’s likeky an eventual end date?
>I have the first nontoxic and genuinely loving relationship in my life
You’re 23, and that’s not counting however old you were when this relationship started. I’m glad this guy has shown you that it’s possible to have a healthy relationship and what you should be looking for with future partners, but not being on the same page about kids is the dealbreaker to end all dealbreakers. And frankly, even if you did want kids, the fact he’s totally inflexible about how you go about getting them would give me pause, because what happens if nature won’t cooperate?
How would adopting go?
Because if he is only interested in his own babies, I think that is a red flag for me. He doesn’t want children to love, he wants I don’t know what…
No I totally feel that. If I’m being completely honest, as much as I love him, the whole “it has to be my own blood” thing really gave me a massive ick. I don’t think I will ever really understand the obsession some men have with children needing to be biological, or the whole “I need to have a legacy” thing. It all feels really weird, and not at all like you want kids for the joy of kids, you want kids just to benefit yourself and your ego. It’s just so weird, because he doesn’t seem like he’d be the type of guy to be like that, yet that’s the way he wants kids.
It sounds like you’re a great match in every other way, but this is a significant difference. It’s a dealbreaker for the long term, sadly.
If you’re unsure of whether you’ll change your mind in the future, and your biggest concern now is fear of pregnancy, maybe you could look into addressing that? Would you be willing to explore that fear if doing so had potential to make the relationship viable? If so, you could try addressing the fear in therapy. Who knows where it will lead, but hopefully you’ll at least have more clarity about your own desires for the future.
I go back and forth on it a lot, but leaning heavy towards no. I just don’t think it’s the life I was meant for. I would like to address the fear in general though and have been looking for a therapist. It can be debilitating at times, because any time I have intimacy I get irrationally and intensely paranoid afterwards that I might be pregnant, even with protection and BC. It sucks. I wish I didn’t freak out about it so much.
OP I recently made the hard decision to leave a pretty perfect relationship with someone because of a fundamental incompatibility and it sucks, but my outlook is that things will suck 100x times more waiting years and letting resentment build rather than cutting things off now before they get too hard to deal with. You have to think about what you want out of this life, what your non negotiables are, and what you are willing to compromise on. Don’t think about this in the context of this person but holistically. Children specifically are not something you can half ass, it is extremely unfair to the child. You’re so young and I think you’re smart for thinking about this now rather than later.
Idk man, I think at your age you know what you want in terms of kids/pregnancy. I’m 24 and I’ve always found pregnancy beautiful and I know kids are an option for me. The idea of not having kids makes me feel a bit sad. And my best friend on the other hand —also the same age— has know since she was a child that she didn’t want kids. She also has tokophobia (fear of pregnancy) and at 23 she got medically sterilized. To her, she said it felt like a huge weight off her shoulders that she’ll never have to fear getting pregnant.