21M.
“Theirs” = my friend’s family
I’m living at home with my mom.
Last week was my 21st birthday. We couldn’t celebrate on the day because everyone was busy with work (myself included). A gift card, which I genuinely appreciated and planned to use for school. I asked if we could go out to eat later, since that’s our family tradition for birthdays, and was told we’d celebrate soon on another day.
That day ended up being Sunday. My celebration day unfortunately overlapped with an argument between my mom and me.
My mom wanted me to go to church with her. I didn’t want to go because a close friend, who has a very tight work schedule had spent the entire week planning and organizing a birthday gift for me with her mom. She needed to hand‑deliver it at a very specific time before work, which happened to be during church. I don’t have my own transportation, so if I went to church, I wouldn’t be able to receive it.
It took me all night to build the courage to tell my mom and told her she started yelling, compared me to my older sibling and threatened to stop picking me up from work.
I said “ok” stayed home even if the reason wasn’t “good” in her book; studying for exams or going to work.
A few hours after the argument, my friend arrived with the gift. It was around 11 pieces of clothing, thoughtfully wrapped and hand‑delivered. I was genuinely moved to tears by the effort and care.
When my family returned from church, I expected we’d go out to eat and actually celebrate my birthday like usual. Instead, they picked up 6 wings and a pack of fries. It was really too but it wasn’t “them”. The best way I can explain it is during celebrations in my culture we usually never even get snacks like this. Joy is shared by buying a full meal or making a full meal so to me the intent here showed me they didn’t try. Even if I didn’t take into consideration our culture and just looked at it from what we do every year for everyone then it becomes sorta clear it was a result of the argument.
I feel dumb for being disappointed over birthdays at my big age. But I guess I’m more feeling like I’m being punished at a milestone for disagreeing. Am I crazy? I know we still technically got food bjt it feels like a subtle “here damn” to make me listen next time. And it also makes me compare this to my friends family. Sorry I don’t really get out much or go anywhere so I guess stuff like this impacts me more than I realize. It feels like a mind game because I got “something” and so I can’t complain bjt thar something wasn’t really the love from my family I guess. Genuinely am I crazy and overreacting?
AITA for saying no to my mom under her roof and comparing the treatment I get at home to my friend’s family?
I just need to know what others think because in my family they do these mind games it’s hard to explain. I feel like a spoiled ass. Literally such a first world problem.
There’s a lot of context I had to take out unfortunately due to the word limit.
NTA. Turning 21 is a big deal. It’s unfortunate that, instead of celebrating it with you in a way that felt meaningful, your family decided to make it about control. Your feelings are valid. You weren’t asking for something unreasonable. Your comparison to your friend’s family is valid too when you feel like you’re not treated the same way. You’re not spoiled for wanting your family to express their love and care for you.
From the information you gave it seems to me that your mother is being very immature. I don’t know the background as to why she would be so upset with you not coming to church but, regardless, you don’t punish someone for not doing what you want. That’s exceptionally manipulative. I don’t know if this is a pattern but your cautious wording makes it seem like this might be something you’ve had to put up with your whole life. IMO your mother has some growing up to do.
NTA
NTA and happy 21st. You don’t need to apologise for feeling disappointed that your family didn’t make a big deal over one of the last big milestone birthdays you’re likely to spend with them. It’s fine to feel a bit hurt over this and to compare your family with other ones that may be more demonstrative, affectionate and/or seem to have their shit together a bit more.
As an adult, you can choose whether you want to go to church or not. Even if you are still living at home, that doesn’t mean your parents get to dictate how you spend your free time.
Everyone in my family is autistic so we’re not great at doing thoughtful things for each other, taking each others feelings into account, or respecting boundaries either.
I’d suggest not beating yourself up or going down the path of what might have been if you’d won the “loving and supportive family” lottery. You can choose not to give people the power to make you feel crummy and I would suggest applying that power to thoughtless members of your family.
When I go home I let the bullshit slide away like water off a duck’s back and just try to appreciate any good moments or intentions I see for what they are.
Now that you’re an adult, you get to go out in the world and find a family that loves you unconditionally and knows how to show it. I’d spend your time and energy on finding that and not on counting up all the disappointing and underwhelming things your birth family does.
NTA. Your mom needs to grow up. Happy 21st Birthday!
NTA.
NTA!!! But your mom is! You’re an adult and you don’t have to what they want. They don’t get to dictate how you spend your time, especially on your birthday!
Happy 21st!
She’s making sure you understand her point…you didn’t do what she wanted so she’s punishing you. I’m betting this isn’t the first time she’s done this. That’s how she keeps you in check. I’d just go quiet for awhile. Just give yes or no answers. Never rude, just withdrawn. If you pull back a bit from her you are sending her your response to her manipulation. You’re 21 not 10 and it’s time to spine up. You can express your disappointment without ever saying a word…just withdraw your attention from her. Is that manipulation? Yes, but that’s what she did to you, just return her energy. If it was me, I’d not be celebrating her next birthday with her.
Give back the same energy until you leave your house. You’re starting to realize that family love should not be like this and it’s a hard thing to come to terms with.