I recently signed up to learn a third language course online via zoom. I was having my first lesson today when someone I knew visited all of a sudden. At the time, I wasn’t made aware by my family that they had actually visited to gift me specifically, with clothes and snacks that they bought while they were overseas (i thought they just visited for fun as they are a family friend)
Though I was initially uninterested in the course and only signed up due to my parents urging me to, I actually found myself really engrossed in it. Hence when my parents came to the room multiple times to ask me to come say hi, i just brushed them off and said that ill be there once my meeting ends.
This is where im not sure if i did the right thing.
Just as they were about to leave, my meeting ended but i was deciding whether i should thank them for coming. for context, they come from a really traditional background and expect women to be dressed properly (covering everything) and neatly. at the moment, i was wearing really short shorts and had my hair (unwashed) in a messy manner.
I was planning to just give them a call/text to thank them for coming as i was worried about how their impression of me and my family would be affected if i showed up infront of them like that. (i wouldn’t have been able to change clothes to see them as they would be able to see my the moment i step out of the room)
after they left, i got a really harsh scolding from my parents and siblings that i shouldn’t have done what i did, and that anyone in the guest’s shoes would’ve felt disrespected that the person they came to visit didn’t even bother saying hi. due to their anger, they didn’t allow me to explain my side of the story to them properly, and just shook it off that im being ungrateful and disrespectful to my family and elders.
thinking back, im really worried that i might’ve sent the wrong impression and seemed like i didn’t appreciate their presence. i have already texted them apologising for not coming to say hi but i still feel really guilty for not realising in that situation what i should’ve done. im also really hurt that my family only thinks that im an ungrateful child and refused to hear me out.
if they didn’t give you a heads up they were coming then they can’t really complain that you were busy in a class they pressured you to take anyway
NTA. Your parents wanted you to learn a new language, you did. If they didn’t make you take it, then you wouldn’t have been busy. Personally, I don’t like unexpected guests. But do send a thank you message and explain politely why that is, also include your parents (that they insisted you take a lesson) in the writing to make those guests aware of what had happened.
I agree with the note. A warm and heartfelt thank you and a sincere apology for missing them. Explain about the class and how you had planned to see them after. Idk if you should explain about the clothing. If you feel comfortable with that go ahead.
I also don’t know that I’d show the parents. Maybe see if word travels back that to your parents after you send the note. You’re not sending a note so your parents are appeased. You’re sending a note because you’re grateful they thought of you and sorry you missed them due to your educational expectations.
NTA. But next time, keep a change of cloths in your room so if you have unexpected guests and aren’t ready, you can toss something on.
hey come from a really traditional background and expect women to be dressed properly (covering everything) and neatly. at the moment, i was wearing really short shorts and had my hair (unwashed) in a messy manner. – ok so you show them who you really are at home. If they don’t like it then that’s on them. Their background is just for them. However, why didn’t your parents come get you if it was imperative they see you?
NTA
I don’t know how old you are but you sound really mature young person and the fact that you want to be a good person who respects others and learns from their mistakes- NTA.
You’re not a puppy to be shown off, you were doing something and your parents were trying to guilt you into doing what they wanted so that they would look good. You have a right to privacy and you don’t have to visit with people that you have not invited over.
It sounds like there was no way you could do the right thing here. Either you stay in the room and don’t see the guests, or you come out of the room “inappropriately” dressed.
What would your parents have said about you greeting the guests the way you were dressed? And if dress code is so strict, why do people ever stop by unannounced?
NTA. You were placed in a no-win situation by circumstances beyond your control.
What you report is the typical conflict between old-time (old country?) values that would have us drop everything to acknowledge the presence of immediate family versus values in this country that insist on visitors informing people ahead of time of their intent to visit to ensure that there’s no conflict.
You’ve already apologized to your guests for the faux pas; there is nothing more that you can do.
NTA. You were properly preoccupied. Your family was rude to not give you a heads up about the visitors (or at the very least pop in and make sure you were available to come down and visit) and they were rude to expect that you’d drop out of a meeting for a drop in guest.
NTA. People have phones. They can call first and plan a convenient time.
NTA. Your parents are unreasonable. If you’d walked out in your shorts they would have had an issue with that too.
NTA
Can you explain to the guests that you would have greeted them but were waylaid by your language lectures?
Your parents put you in a no win situation. They wanted you to do this language course so you did. They didn’t tell you the guests were coming and then got mad at you for not greeting them? No.
NTA.
Your culture may be different, but I’d say the visitors were AH if they arrive unannounced.
For example if your class was in-person, then you would not have been home to receive them or their gifts, and that would not be your fault.
At the end of the day, you embarrassed your parents. Which to them is (unfortunately) more important than your studies. You are wasting your breath to argue further with them on this, even though they are wrong.
NAH. Send the guest a polite message along the lines of “I wish I wasn’t in a course when you visited because it’s always good to spend time with you”