I (M30) am in a 3.5-year relationship with my partner (F33) (I was living near her family where we met), but have moved near my family last year, so that time has been long-distance. We both will visit each other occasionally throughout the year. One time she was over, my brother (M28) and his partner (F28) dropped off wedding invitations last winter for the rest of my family that didn’t include her. It was a small wedding, just immediate family, which excluded some grandparents and other close relatives who were interested in attending. My girlfriend was upset that they dropped off invitations when she was there that didn’t include her and wanted to address it with them.
I was reluctant to do that because I figured it was something that would fizzle out over time. She kept pressing me on it, and getting more and more angry and upset about it and so I offhandedly mentioned it 2/3 times over a few months to my brother about her sadness but not her anger, he responded that sorry, but it’s a small wedding and she’s not invited. My partner wanted a meeting to address this with them so I arranged a meeting with the 4 of us, the next time she was coming to visit. I screwed up not telling my brother and his partner about how important this was to my partner, so they could address her concerns earlier.
That meeting was awkward and difficult for all. My partner said that she felt that she wasn’t important to my brother and her partner, because the invitations were given right in front of her and she was never addressed directly, that she would not be coming to the wedding. Also that she had wanted to get to know them but felt that they hadn’t put in much effort to get to know her. Her tone was not nice, but it wasn’t mean either. She asked if we could do something all together next time she was in town, and do an online event together to try to get to know each other better.
She just messaged the group chat recently to organize an online get-together with all of us. My brother and his partner didn’t respond to this message for a few days and I was visiting them that day and I thought I would bring this up in person. My brother mentioned how they were feeling offput by the whole situation and wanted some more time to respond. I asked if they could respond soon.
They then responded, saying that my partner attacked them, made the wedding about her and set out her definition of friendship in that last meeting. They also responded that they don’t believe that their feelings are conducive to building a friendship right now and it would only meet her requirements of friendship. Personally, I feel like my partner is now the one reaching out to try to build a friendship even though she wasn’t invited to their wedding and despite the tensions on both sides built through that meeting where she wanted to address not being invited to their wedding. I’m on my partner’s side that I think they should have handled this better, AITA?
Edit: The wedding happened many months before the confrontation meeting. I attended the wedding without my partner. Also, the confrontation meeting was not about the invite specifically, my partner understood that while she was sad not to be invited, it wasn’t her right. It was about the invites happening in front of her, and the lack of welcoming from my brother and his wife when she would visit. Not that they were mean, just that they didn’t really talk to her or go out of their way to try to welcome her. This is probably mostly related to us being long-distance though.
Thanks for everyone’s input!
Your partner needs to get a grip. It’s okay to feel hurt by not being invited but if your brother is also excluding grandparents and other relatives, why does your partner feel entitled to an invitation. The world doesn’t revolve around anyone. Move accordingly, they don’t see you both as a unit and that’s a whole other conversation.
YTA. Grandma and grandpa don’t get to go, but someone they barely know has to be? You setup meetings over this? Your GF is on the crazy train, you might want to consider jumping off that ride.
You and your partner are TA. I’m sorry but your partner is doing too much here. I do not blame your brother and his fiance *whatsoever* for their reactions here.
Your partner was antagonistic and selfish in her approach. She’s allowed to be hurt, but she did not handle this appropriately. That is not a foundation for a friendship. You certainly didn’t help the situation either, and it’s due to your inaction that things escalated this much.
YTA. You and your girlfriend are the AH. This is a long distance relationship and you only see each other occasionally. Assuming you sometimes visit her this means your brother has barely met her. She is not important to your brother and his wife, nor should she be. Just because you have been in this long distance relationship for 3.5 years it does not not make her a part of your immediate family.
The way you and she handled this was very confrontational and her insistence of now trying to establish a relationship seems pushy. Why was this not a priority before the wedding invitations went out.
YTA – Your partner is out of line, and you should have done more to keep this debacle from happening in the first place. You tell on yourself all over the place here, “I screwed up not telling my brother and his partner about…” like you’re just seeing minefields and letting your loved ones walk into them. I’m assuming your brother didn’t mean anything offensive by dropping off an invitation when she was there, but did you tell him that she was there ahead of time? It’s a small faux pas that you’ve let spiral into a confrontation. You’re being incredibly passive here. You had several off ramps that you can see in your post, and you took none of them to try and defuse a conflict brewing over a wedding invitation.
YTA, both you and your partner. It seems like lots of people are not on the guest list. She doesn’t have to like it, but the couple has made their decision. She and you do not get to continue requesting “meetings” to discuss her lack of invite. If I was the couple, I did had any inkling of relenting and inviting her, that would be totally off the table now.
You both sound exhausting. I wouldn’t be surprised if they ask you (OP) to not come either, because your partner is going to find a way to make it all about her and her drama.
Yep, YTA. You mishandled this. Your partner should have accepted she wasn’t invited to the wedding. You should have reminded her, whenever the topic came up, that the wedding isn’t about her – yes, it sucks, but you can’t force someone to invite you. You should have asked your brother to acknowledge the sucky action of handing over an invite that didn’t include her, in front of her; it should have been private. You should have given a heads up to your brother and fiancée that the meeting was going to be tough; you shouldn’t have dismissed your partner’s feelings.
Your partner will likely never be friends with your brother and his fiancée because of this. You all need to learn to let sleeping dogs lie.
YTA. Your partner is a massive AH, she’s not entitled to attend anyone’s wedding, grandparents and other relatives aren’t invited why does she think she should be when they don’t really know her?! And what the hell is this setting up a meeting to discuss it, you shouldn’t have done that, it’s your brothers wedding and it is about him and his future wife they are very much entitled to invite or not invite who they want!
Your partner sounds unhinged to me
YTA. Your brother and his fiancé don’t like your girlfriend. I don’t blame them she sounds terrible. Be that as it may you have two choices. Either go to the wedding without her or decline to attend. I couldn’t fault you taking either of those options. Trying to shoehorn them into a shotgun friendship with your girlfriend they obviously don’t like was the 100% wrong move.
Your partner sounds like an absolute pain in the ass. If someone set a MEETING to talk about their feelings about my wedding, I would be done. That is so obnoxious. You should have done better in communicating that this was important to her instead of waiting until your gf took it upon herself to make herself seem completely unlikable and annoying. THAT’S why YTA, not because you’re taking her side while she creates drama.
YTA and your GF is an entitled AH too. People don’t owe you wedding invites and throwing a tantrum is an odd choice. Sounds like you and your gf are kinda in a comfortable rut and perhaps she’s resentful she hasn’t gotten a ring yet, so she’s taking it out on the rest of your family. Which is not a good look.
YTA
It’s a super small wedding where some family is being excluded. Might not be a popular choice, but your partner isn’t being singled out from what I can tell.
And instead of telling her that it sucks, but it’s nothing to do with her, you’ve harassed your brother at least 5 different times (the 3 prior mentions, the meeting, and you following up after) about it. That’s not appropriate.
Your partner’s reasoning of you getting the invitation in front of her is literally a grade-school argument. Kids weren’t allowed to give out party invites in class because some kids might feel excluded.
She needs to grow up, not everything is about her.
You need to grow a backbone, sometimes the answer is no. It might not be the answer you want, but that doesn’t mean you can just bully someone into trying to change the answer.
YTA. I think YOU should have handled this better and honestly, if I had to pick a single TA, it would be you. If your brother isn’t even including grandparents, including your long-distance girlfriend you don’t live with seems excessive. Further, it sounds like you were simply passing along your girlfriend’s requests (to be invited, for this meeting) without any input of your own or preparing them, or conversely, explaining to your girlfriend WHY she was being unreasonable.
Your brother and his partner are not unreasonable in their feelings and their desire to take some space from your gf. She made their wedding about her and they are correct, she is demanding to develop this relationship solely on her terms. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth as well.