Okay so for context, my girlfriend 25F and I 24M have been together for a little over 2 years. Shes from upstate NY and I’m from Chicago, we both live in Florida. We’ve been planning to move to my hometown for awhile now and we recently got an apartment in the neighborhood I grew up in. We haven’t moved yet, but that’s happening in two weeks. I’m a cat lover, she’s a cat lover. I have 2 and so does she. They all get along great except for 1. Her cat. It’s just an all around problem animal. It attacks the other 3 constantly without provocation, it attacks ME constantly without provocation. But honestly I could put up with that. What I cannot put up with however, is the pissing. It pisses on everything that I own. My clothes, my work boots, the corners of our home, our furniture, our bed, our rugs, our carpet, anything you can think of this cat has pissed on it. I’ve taken him to the vet more times than I can count. Tried countless different medications to try to control it. I even brought him to a behaviorist and that did absolutely fuck all. I hit my breaking point today after I went to go put my shoes on to take my cat on a walk and I was greeted with piss drenched socks. I told her that I don’t want to take it with. I tried, and tried, but it’s not going to work. I can’t have it destroying my new home that’s supposed to be a fresh start. Fucking up my security deposit and making it reek like piss in there. It’s gotten to the point where I’m about ready to give her an ultimatum, which I hate even thinking about. Am I wrong? Am I overreacting? She seems to think that it’s just a manageable thing that I’ve blown out of proportion. I know it isn’t just a cat thing. Neither of mine do this shit. I’m just at my wits end and I need some outside opinions.
EDIT: I NEVER GAVE AN ULTIMATUM I AM JUST CONSIDERING IT BECAUSE IM AT MY WITS END AND HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS/MAXED OUT CREDIT CARDS TRYING TO SOLVE THIS ISSUE BECAUSE I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND
Second edit: I didnt take into account how many irrational and illogical people are on Reddit, in retrospect this was a bad idea. I see that people don’t understand that this can cost me my housing among other things. This isn’t just a “I’m mean and this cat is BAD” problem. Jesus Christ. Some people I swear to god
ADDITIONAL INFO EDIT:
I’ve been the one taking him to the vet simply because of work schedules. I work graveyard as a truck driver, so I’m home during the day. She’s a manager at a smoke shop so she works 12 hour days there. I’m just home at the most convenient time.
SECONDLY: yes I’ve spoken to her about this but there is a mental block/bias/immediate shutdown when it comes to this animal. I get why, I’m receptive to it, I’m just sick of it.
NO IT IS NOT A LONER. He’s bonded to her other cat. It’s a weird bond, but a bond. He just hates mine. And YES he is always the aggressor. Mine are about as harmless as they come. Could care less about him or his antics, and they get along with her other cat swimmingly. They even cuddle together and shit.
TO THE “you’re an invader” PEOPLE: no, I am not. It was my house they moved into. Not the other way around. It just made my cats, the sweetest, most non confrontational cats to exist, skittish, scared, and timid. I’m done with it. I’m a clean person. I pride myself on cleanliness. Owning cats doesn’t mean you have to be a dirty person, FYI. I refuse to have my house smell like piss all the time
YOU MAY BE OKAY WITH BEING DIRTY AND PISSY, I AM NOT.
And lastly, yes it’s always been like this, but it’s gotten progressively worse over the last year or so. It’s like the more we tried to find a solution, the less receptive the cat is. And as for how the introductions went, it was totally by the book as per the vets instructions. Then the behaviorists instructions. I wasn’t kidding when I said I tried everything lmao
CONCLUSION: her mom is willing to take in the cat. We had a long discussion and this is the middle ground we achieved. As long as she’s able to come and visit, it won’t change anything as far as the move is concerned
Pets are for life. Not for convenience. Find a better vet and better behavior support. YTA
Sorry but why did you not iron this out *before* you signed a lease on an apartment with her??
ESH, her more than you based on what you’ve said. you can’t ask her to ditch a pet because it’s inconvenient but HOLY SHIT she’s an asshole for not sorting out her cat already
ESH find a better vet, a cat is an animal, its relying on you and your girlfriend to help it. Sitting around letting it attack and piss on stuff isn’t helping, your both ignoring that there could be a real medical issue causing this.
Both of you get off your asses and do something, especially your girlfriend, she says its manageable fine, but SHES got to manage it.
Pets are family
YTA Pet’s aren’t things to be discarded once they’re inconvenient.
Cat’s can be notoriously difficult to integrate and it’s both of your and your partner’s responsibility to figure this out.
Does the 1 cat have access to it’s own litter box, food, water, enrichment or a safe spot? Have you tried caregiving for the 1 cat? Feeding, playing, litter changes? Separate rooms so the 1 cat can decompress or recieve fuss without vying for attention?
NTA, but your girlfriend is for not taking this seriously. Part of adopting an animal is admitting when your home might not be the best fit. If you’ve really taken the cat to the vet multiple times, tried medications, behaviorists, etc. and nothing has worked, then it might be a territorial thing. Your girlfriend’s cat might need to be a solo animal.
YTA You can’t demand she get rid of her pet.
You also suck for waiting until she gave up her home and signed a contract on a new one to tell her it’s you or the cat.
You better agree be ready to convert the full rent on the new place when she picks the cat.
YTA. You waited until 2 weeks before to try and get someone to abandon their cat. Pets are a for life thing.
Giving the ultimatum right before the move is crazy, she’s about to completely uproot her life for him and he’s gonna drop this bomb on her after she’s done ALL of this preparation for the move.. definitely planting a seed of resentment that will grow after the move
I don’t think the cat likes you very much. It may also be struggling with living with additional cats. But be warned that ultimatums rarely end well. I’d let you move across the country by yourself. On the off chance she stays with you and re-homes the cat, how likely do you think she’ll be to resent you?
Where’s Jackson Galaxy when you need him?
You might want to watch his series. There’s probably something going on. Peeing is usually for marking territory, suggesting the cat is insecure. (But I wouldn’t rule out a medical problem.) There’s probably a dynamic going on between the cats that you’re not seeing.
As for litterboxes, the usual advice is one per cat +1. So, in your case, 5.
YTA strictly for waiting until 2 weeks before this HUGE move to drop an ultimatum on her. This gives zero consideration for all of the time she’s spent preparing for this move. Likely selling furniture, leaving a career, already breaking her current lease… wildly inconsiderate to wait til the last possible minute to make her literally pick between you or her cat
YTA. You should have talked to her about this before you decided to move.
Being frustrated is understandable, but at the end of the day YTA for waiting until 2-weeks before moving across the country to come up with this ultimatum. The fact that you keep referring to it as “my” new home instead of “our” new home is also troubling. Ultimately if you want to have a shared life, you have to share the problems too. It sounds to me like you don’t really want that, which is fine, but please don’t drag her across the country to live with you if you aren’t all-in.