I (18f) had a falling-out with my friend group of 13 years because of an ultimatum one of them gave. My friend Summer (19f) has beef with a guy, let’s call him Marcus(18M), who used to be part of our friend group but was kicked out during senior year after his ex-girlfriend spread lies about him to our group. We later learned they were all false. He tried to reach out to us, but others in the group made it nearly impossible, so he gave up trying to communicate with any of us. Even after finding out that Marcus’ ex was lying, none of us reached out, which we know was a bit assholey. Summer and other members of the group created very petty problems with Marcus. My now-roommate, Cass (19F), who was also part of the friend group, and I didn’t continue the beef, but we didn’t stay in contact either. It’s now been over a year since this started, but their beef with him is still going strong. We’ve since started college and learned that Marcus attends the same school and lives in the same dorms as we do. During orientation, seeing as we didn’t have any friends, we ended up talking to Marcus a bit. We also made another friend, Katie (22F), and told her all about the drama. She wanted to hear his side, so we invited him to our dorm to talk to her. It was there that we learned the whole story. Cass and I discussed privately whether we wanted to rebuild our friendship with Marcus. After that, the rest of our friend group found out we were talking to Marcus again, and they got mad at us. This escalated into a fight that lasted a couple of days, and ended with Summer giving us an ultimatum: be friends with her or with Marcus. Cass and I agreed that Summer was being petty, and so to keep the peace, we decided to lie about stopping the friendship with Marcus (which we know is not good). Over the next few months, we heavily distanced ourselves from the friend group due to it being awkward. A couple of days ago, Summer contacted Cass and I to ask why we weren’t talking to them. We told her we felt awkward reaching out after everything, and she said that if we were really friends, we would’ve reached out to her anyway, and that we were killing the friendship. We said we felt unwelcome in the group, and she put us in an uncomfortable position with the ultimatum. She then doubled down, saying she hadn’t forced us to do anything, even though that’s what the ultimatum was. We eventually came clean and told her we had been continuing the friendship with Marcus, even though we had initially said otherwise. We also apologized repeatedly for lying to her, but we weren’t sorry about the friendship we’d built with Marcus. She got really upset with us for lying (valid), but she was more focused on Marcus. We asked her to try to see it from our perspective but she refused and ended the friendship. Marcus and Katie have become some of our best friends at college and even after they told us we weren’t the asshole, we still feel bad about how we handled the situation.
I hope you grow as a person and Marcus gets better friends.
Both. NTA – You guys are already in college but this friend is still displaying high/middle school behavior. People are allowed to be friends with whoever they please and can’t dictate who their friends socialize with, that is so childish in a way ‘me and him are not friends, so you shouldn’t befriend him either’. YTA – for not being honest right off the bat, because you basically lied.
she was pushed into an unreasonable ultimatum and had to make a choice she wasn’t ready for, she probably panicked and lied as an instinct to keep the peace and give herself space to think about the ultimatum more. lying in this context doesn’t automatically make her an asshole, it was a human reaction to being cornered.
NTA, idk why ur still friends with summer
don’t worry, we’re not
Feel bad for Marcus, he shoulda dropped your ass as a shit friend aswell.
You ain’t any better than that Summer lady.
fair enough, we have no idea why he stayed friends with us. just to be clear we did apologize to him multiple times for the part we played in the original situation
NTA. But use paragraphs.
To break down that wall, Summer dated Marcus. Both were in your friend group. Marcus’s ex spread lies, the friend group cut ties with Marcus. After discovering the lies were lies no one mended things with Marcus. You guys graduated and went to college. You and Marcus are at the same school. You rekindled your friendship. Summer found out and said it’s me or him. You lied and said okay, you, but continued to hang out with Marcus.
The whole thing made things with Summer and that group awkward so you don’t engage with them as much. Summer called you on that. You apologized and said yeah it’s been weird since the ultimatum and also I’m still in touch with Marcus. Sorry. Summer says I never gave you and ultimatum but this friendship is over because you picked Marcus. Are you the asshole?
NTA. You shouldn’t have lied, but Summer shouldn’t have given an ultimatum, and the entire friend group was shitty for still icing March out when he was the victim. Look, you guys are in college now. A lot of your high school friendships will fizzle out. You likely will become closer with people you never would have thought you would be friends with. In 20 years you may have a core group or you may not talk to any of these people any more.
I think you learned an important lesson about group think.
An important lesson about getting all of the facts before you make a decision.
An important lesson about ultimatums.
An important lesson about lying to keep the peace.
Take those lessons and apply them going forward.
Sorry for the jumble of words. Just to clarify Marcus and Summer never dated, they were just friends, Marcus’s ex was someone who joined the group to spread lies about him, and everyone just believed her.
i don’t think you’re the asshole as you were only doing what was best for yourself and keeping your own peace,, giving an ultimatum is a relationship killer as it places you in a corner where you have to either accept their control or lose them completely
this has to be the sign to cut your losses and move on with people who are healthy for your wellbeing
NTA, tell summer to F off.
Your “friend” group sounds awful. Good grief. NTA
YTA for lying in the first place. This is high school drama that should have been left in high school. NTA for your friendship with Marcus.