My girlfriend have been together for 5 years. She’s had trouble with anxiety especially around work which has caused her to move jobs a few times. Her current job is one she’s wanted for a while and she’s had it for a year. Things started well then her anxiety came back so she’s had a lot of sickness.
She’s talking about reducing her hours and going part time and only working three days a week. She mentioned if she did this I’d need to pay a higher percentage of the bills and that we’d have to cancel the holiday we’ve got panned this year.
Most of the holidays we’ve been on have mainly been to places my gf wants to go whereas this year I’d chosen the destination as it’s a big birthday for me so we’re going for my birthday. It’s somewhere my gf wants to go but it was me who \[picked the destination.
I mentioned to her that I don’t really want to be cancelling the trip or paying more just because she’s choosing to go part time. I pointed out she knew what the holiday was for and it’s hardly fair on me to cancel the trip when it’s for my birthday.
She just said it would be unaffordable I pointed out we’ve already started paying the holiday off. I asked when she thought about dropping her hours and she said 3-4 months ago. I pointed out that was before we booked the trip so why is she only bringing it up now after we’ve paid a lot towards it and it’s booked?
She shrugged and I just said if she goes part time she’ll still have to pay her share of the bills and the holiday. She said that’s not fair since it’s unaffordable but I just pointed out she shouldn’t be making financial decisions that negatively affect me and expecting me to just agree.
I said she knows how much I’m looking forward to the holiday and I pointed out her anxiety conveniently didn’t stop her paying for and going on the holiday where she chose the destination.
She again said I wasn’t being reasonable but I just said I expect her to pay her share.
AITAH for expecting the holiday to go ahead and for expecting her to pay her share of the bills?
NTA. She should manage her anxiety better and not let it dictate her life in a way that it could have negative consequences or come at anyone else’s expense. I myself have anxiety along with a bunch of other things, it’s about being an adult and responsible in your actions.
NTA she made a commitment now she’s trying to shift that to you. She should have told you when she started considering part time work.
You should make this a solo trip or invite a friend instead of her to lessen the financial burden on her.
But what do you think is going to happen long term? Do you have a plan financially and will that require 2 full time incomes? Is she going to therapy to resolve her anxiety? Do you just want to find out one day that she has quit her job?
Nta everything you said to your girlfriend is correct. If she wants a “provider” or wtv then she should go and find one. That’s not the relationship dynamic you agreed to and she can’t force you into a new one.
I’m on the fence with this one.
I feel like it depends how bad the anxiety is. If she genuinely needs to cut her hours because it’s so bad then it’s not really her fault.
I can see your point that she shouldn’t have booked it if she was already planning to cut her hours though.
NTA. My long-term partner can’t work for various physical and mental health problems including PTSD and anxiety. (He also had a brain tumour, Schizophrenia and fibromyalgia.) Like your girlfriend, if he wants to do something or go somewhere he will find a way to make it happen – on his own money. He does not expect me to finance his decisions. Of course, I’m happy to help him out so we can do nice things together but he will do his best to pay for himself.
Of course everyone is different but your girlfriend has an established a pattern of leaving jobs. If she can’t manage full-time work, it’s her responsibility to find other ways to finance her lifestyle and you are not the solution. A good partner would help her out where reasonable but it sounds like she’s planning on not working to rely on you financially and you don’t sound happy about that.
Her knowing that she wanted to cut her hours before you booked the holiday and the fact that she’s still attended previous holidays under the same circumstances, when they were places she wanted to go, make this NTA for me. I know this is wrong, but I do immediately get a bit sceptical of anxiety that only affects work after a year of being there. Is she doing anything to help with this?
INFO: is she doing anything to treat the root cause of the anxiety?
She’s on antidepressants and is seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist through work
Would reducing her hours affect her ability to have these services?
No but it will affect her ability to pay her bills.
Absolutely NTA. Given that this is a repeated pattern of behaviour, I’m inclined to believe that she just didn’t want to go on the holiday in the first place and this is the most convenient excuse she knows. The fact that she’s telling you you’ll need to take more of the bills on and cancel your holiday, whilst knowing that she was able to do all the things she wanted to, is so selfish that it feels planned. Maybe I’m too cynical, but these feel like the actions of someone who knows they can pull an ace and get out of doing things they don’t want to do. If she really is struggling mentally, she needs to be doing more to help herself than just dropping her hours down and expecting her partner to pick up the slack whilst giving up the things that make them happy in order to support her.
NTA. But I would use this as a point to evaluate things. And really look at how her anxiety impacts you vs how it impacts her. And if or how often it’s used as a way to get what she wants and avoid what you want. And if you want to continue this for another 5, 10, 20 years. Obviously nobody here knows what happens in your relationship. But if take some time to see how things will work long term.
OP- does gf have a job that could be worked remotely? Even if she did a couple of days per week from home? Has she said what aspect of her job is suddenly causing anxiety?
I have GAD, and work full time. I work from home 2 days per week which helps immensely.