Context: I (21 F) work in a group home with special needs boys and boys who have behavioral issues. Recently our youngest house the children’s home transitioned into an adult home. But because it is still a group home there’s rules and structure still included in the home. Since transitioning into the adult home two of the three residents that live in that home believe they no longer have to follow rules because they are adults now. The rules are not horribly strict or unreasonable either, for example one rule is they are only allowed one soda a day from the house pop to ensure everyone gets a fair amount of soda. Another rule is the boys who smoke aren’t allowed to go out after 10 pm to smoke because most everyone is winding down for bed at this time.
So the other night when I was at work one of my boys came out at 10:30 pm to tell me he was going outside to smoke. I told him “no that the rule was 10 pm and that it was past 10 and I was about to go to sleep so he couldn’t go outside to smoke.” He said “[Boss] told him 10 or 11 he could go outside to smoke.” I told him “[Boss told me 10 and until he tells me different I’m going to enforce the rule of 10.” He proceeded to tell me “well I don’t care what you say I’m going outside to smoke you can tell boss if you want to.” And proceeded to walk outside and do so. I texted my boss and told him what he said and what I said and boss said he would have a word with him. A few days later we were in the car and coming home all of us were having a conversation when the same boy said “well we can do basically anything we want because we won’t be punished, when is the last time boss has punished anyone for doing something wrong?” I stayed quiet because I knew he was right but I didn’t want to admit it to him because then things would progressively get worse. My boss not punishing the boys and just allowing them todo as they please and speak to us as they please has been a reoccurring problem over the years. Our boys have violently attacked our staff, women and other clients with no consequences, stolen from staff and stores with being caught doing both still no consequences, they have also dog cussed the staff with no consequences. Every time it’s brought to the bosses attention he tells us “they are all adults now so we have to treat them like so.” Boss also says “if they break the law they will be held accountable for doing so,” but they have broken the law numerous times with no consequences so now they truly believe they are untouchable.
NTA
Why do you keep calling them your “boys”? They are adult men. Treat them like adults.
NTA, but your title doesn’t really represent what’s going on here.
Your boss is making this an *actively dangerous* environment for both his employees and those boys. The longer his laissez-faire attitude continues, the more likely it is that this is going to escalate until someone gets hurt or killed.
You *need* to rally your coworkers together about the danger of this, as well as look into what sort of oversight committees have sway here. This has to get reported as soon as possible. Document *everything*. Every assault, every law you see broken, all of it.
The true conflict is in the update waiting for it to be approved it was to long to post all together
This. I work in a youth group home and everything, *everything* is documented. We could lose our licensing if documentation isn’t done properly, but it also protects both us as staff and the residents.
NTA. but the next time they steal or assault someone, since they are adults, there’s no need to inform your boss first. Just inform the cops.
Last time the cops were called my boss laid the person off for 2 months
Nta. You only provide personal extras for those that are respectful and follow the rules. It’s your money and gas, so you get to say how you spend it.
You talk about ‘over the years’ as if you’ve been there for a long time, but yet you are only 21 years old.
By ‘adult’, I assume that the MEN you are talking about are over 18.
It seems that you need to find a place that serves minors, because in my mind, going outside to smoke after 10pm shouldn’t be bothering anyone, so wanting to enforce that is ridiculous (I am NOT a smoker). Once you start enforcing rules for grownups not much younger than you, the power dynamic is weird. You are no longer helping to raise children…now you are acting like a warden for incarcerated people.
Boss seems unable to handle adults. I really think that you need to find a group home for children to work at to avoid this conflict, because the nature of this situation, to me, it’s too fine a line to walk between giving these men enough freedom to be confident and happy…and treating them like criminals in a jail.
NAH, just a difficult situation.
The curfew is arbitrary. They are adults who need assistance – but they are still adults and should have autonomy over their sleep schedules, ability to drink, feed themselves, potty, etc to their capabilities.
Rules on shared house goods are shared rules for everyone are a horse of a different color.
Abusing staff is also a different matter entirely.
Cussing someone out isn’t illegal, and plenty of people have been cussed out by clients and bosses alike.
If there is illegal behavior it is up to the victim to ask to press charges – not a coworker or the boss.
It is also assumed in certain professions that you will experience certain behaviors on the job site.
It’s why I didn’t work at a psych hospital- there is the risk of physical assault from someone who may or may not know what they were doing.
Why is it so important to you that he not go outside after 10?
Is the boss going to fire you?
No.
Did your boss say “stop him!”
No.
Moving forward you say “mr smith, I’m going to note your break.” And leave it at that.
INFO
You don’t mention which country you’re in, but you need to be careful with “rules” with adults in some legal systems.
Did I miss the part where you taught them? This sounds like a vent, not an AITA post.
YTA for calling them boys. I used to work in a very similar group home and using infantilizing language is a big no no. These are men, and they can be incredibly dangerous. You have to actually teach them that they’re grown adults and can suffer consequences now. If you can’t do that, you need a different job.