For context, I’m 21 and I’m renting a room from M36. This is a friendship based renting situation (we became friends through this) and I’m moving out by the end of the month.
Right now my daily way to work takes about 1,5h to and from. I’m traveling by car and train in the German infrastructure.
Yesterday, I my way back home was very draining, as I did miss my train and the drive home was very bad as it snowed a lot.
I went grocery shopping right before going home and asked my roommate if he needed smt. At one point I tried calling him, as I didn’t feel comfortable to drive the hill down to our place, though he didn’t answer and this kinda pissed me off when I saw, that he just watched TV at home or played his video game.
By that point I honestly was very done for the day. I stepped in for a short time and he did ask me if I needed help with the groceries. I answered kinda immature and said no (which I noticed very quickly was more pissed of, than I anticipated myself). I did nag him about not being able to reach him and went out to get the groceries.
I just put them in and still felt my anger so I just said, that he could put the groceries away, while I try to calm down by shoveling some snow. He came outside for a short time and watched me while smoking. I finished and asked him if everything was okay and he just said yes in a tone that is like very clearly ‘no but I don’t wanna talk about it’ . So I answered in the same kinda way and we went in.
I than saw, that he put the groceries just in the kitchen and not away, and instead went to play his game.
From here on I quickly want to underline some concerns I have for him.
His holidays didn’t go so well and he kind of shut himself in, by himself, didn’t want to spend time with his friends who did invite him to both Christmas and New Year. (They’re our neighbors). He is consuming a lot of cannabis in different ways (smoking and in brownies) and currently he has vacation day. He does have a history with burnout/depression. Currently (from what I see of him) he just plays his game, smokes or watches TV.
I always try my best to keep this in mind very much, but I’m just a very impulsive person so more often than i want to, I act before I think.
Anyway, I tried talking to him about what’s bothering me, trying to focus on why I was pissed off after the drive home and not at him. But he didn’t even look up and just cut me off, telling me off that I shouldn’t take out my anger in him and stuff like that. Since than we ignore each other.
Today I tried to lighten the mood by writing a silly note in which I basically said we both didn’t act well and that we’re both buttheads. Well he didn’t take it as a silly note and wrote me that what happened yesterday was all my fault and I shouldn’t insult him. I answered with saying it was a joke and I understand it didn’t land well.
Now. Whos at fault? I’m fine with it being both. I had to cut a lot. Just ask if smt is unclear.
YTA
I feel like you are handling this relationship with him as friend, while it sounds you are only rommates and nothing more. I get its annoying taht you missed the train with the snow but he also doesnt owe you a lift. Where those your groceries or for the both of you? Why should he put it away?
He want some space so give him some. You are moving out so you probably wont see each other again after this.
(First of idk if responding is a thing on this subreddit, haven’t used it much)
We lived together for a year now and became good friends and drinking buddies through this. The friendship is pretty much like one hand washes the other
Though I do see how I pretty much did all the thinking and feeling by myself and he just felt the ‘storm’ of my being, so I most definitely was not in the right for how I acted in this solo scenario. Just wanted to clarify that we definitely were friends and I did buy stuff for him too!
And if things maybe go better throughout the month, than we most definitely would stay in some contact most likely. But I highly doubt it right now, I really don’t know how to approach this whole situation anymore
Give him some space. You can invite him to things, but don’t crowd him, especially at home.
Yta all the way. He’s not your bf he’s your roommate. Stop expecting bf duties from him.
YTA
You are renting a room from him. He is your landlord, not your roommate, not your friend.
No matter how friendly you may be, he is still the one who determines if you remain housed.
Please forgive me – but are you neurodiverse?
You seem to expect that people who have little connection to you treat you the way your family would.
You say you and your landlord are friends, but this interaction doesn’t read as friendly. You are pushy and you expect him to drop what he does to help you. You judge how he spends his time and expect him to be at your beck and call whenever you don’t want to do something (you could have driven down the hill but didn’t want to). You get pissy when he reasonably says no to you, and you get sulky and passive aggressive.
However you also seem to be confused why that is a problem because you keep saying he is your friend.
He isn’t. Being nice, being polite, doesn’t make you friends. You are moving in a month — will this make money tight for him? Does he have to look for a new tenant? Do you know or care?
You wanted him to take some blame for you being a shit and he refused but you are confused? You wanted to twist it into: oh we were both silly but he disagrees because only you were being a jerk. He told you no in a way you understood was a no but you still steamrolled him.
You are not acting like a friend but a bully.
You wanted a drive and you nagged him till you got it. You bitched him out for not picking up (he isn’t your mom and you aren’t 12 waiting at football practice in the rain).
YTA. And if you cannot see why – you should talk to a doctor.
YTA – you acted like a petulant child. Your LL doesn’t owe you help; you need to take care of yourself.
YTA You took your bad mood out on him. He did absolutely nothing wrong. Your note made it worse because your acted like he was in the wrong too. You owe him an apology.
Leave the man alone. He has some internal stuff going on. Respect his privacy
If you meant to apologize, it wasn’t a great one. Next time, just say that you are sorry for your own behavior, and don’t mention his, and no excuses either. You walked in there looking for a fight btw, so don’t be surprised that you found it.
YTA. This is not a situation where he was in the wrong. He was instead reacting to something completely unexpected. And he did try to help but you rebuffed him.
It’s ok to have a bad day/commute and slip up in speaking sharply to someone. But then you should just apologize. Not make jokes or statements making clear that you think you both share the fault. It is one of my greatest annoyances when friends are unwilling to simply say “sorry, I made a mistake,” and insist on saying, “I’m sorry but you made mistakes, too!”
Even if he’s your friend, you would be at fault for how you came into the situation and how you apologized.
I don’t totally get you bringing up that he’s withdrawn except that you think it adds color to the vague idea that he’s not helping out. But if that was a real concern, then all the more reason to just apologize and not burden him with a petty argument that you started before you ever walked in the door.
YTA, you sound exhausting to be around. Stop treating your friend/landlord like a SO or your mommy.