Hi, I know this seems like such an embarrassingly trivial issue but I still want to ask.
When my husband drives, he gets heated about things happening on the road, like someone taking too long to merge, a pedestrian taking their sweet time in crossing the street etc. It ruins the drive for me and I have brought it up with him in the past. I do want to say though that as far as his driving skills go, I have full faith in them, like he’s great at the technical side of things, parallel parking, driving in traffic, and I’m not afraid of him causing an accident, its just the vibe thats the problem.
Yesterday we were visiting his friend and his wife for dinner. The topic of driving in downtown came up, it lead to driving skills, and I just joked that my anxiety gets triggered when he’s driving. My husband also laughed back and joked (or so I thought) that I’ve never complained when he’s driving, and I was like yes I have! The other couple found it amusing too.
When we got home and were still in the parking garage, he said he got me back safe and sound contrary to everyone’s expectations. I thought he was saying it lightly, and I said I’ve never doubted I’ll get to my destination safe and sound, just the fact that he gets a bit worked up. He said if that were the case I should’ve specified that at dinner rather than implying that he’s an incompetent driver. That’s when I realized he’d taken offense to what I’d said. I told him I’d said it as a joke, since we were having a light conversation, and he said its just not something you say in front of others as a couple, that I put him down even if I didn’t realize it. I apologized and said I didn’t mean to do that.
I’ve been thinking about it this morning and I’ve been feeling bad about it. Especially about us not being a team in front of others. I wanted to ask AITA for what I said?
While you may not be the AH you were insensitive. Can he joke to them about something that you’re not aware that you do and it be perfectly fine for everyone to laugh about it? You made him question who he was to you while driving. Sounds like he didn’t like being the group punchline and it doesn’t sound like you’ve mentioned it to him before so he was caught off guard. When you’re out with others you have to be mindful not to tear into your spouse as a source of entertainment.
NTA, and it seems to me your husband has an anger problem.
You’ve told him that his angry rants upset and worry you, and yet he persists in doing the thing that upsets and worries you. Whether or not he’s a “safe” driver is irrelevant.
I’m leaning towards a NAH. While it probably would have been best to not say anything about it all to avoid embarrassment, if you have brought it up with him in the past and nothing has changed, maybe this was the push he needed. If you are genuinely uncomfortable when he’s driving (safety issue or not), speak up and say something multiple times until something changes. You’re valid in this situation as well since you’re a passenger. Also, based on the fact that you’re saying the other couple was amused, they likely didn’t even pick up on the underlying issue. It’s also okay for your husband to feel like that too. Have a serious conversation about how he acts when others are on the road and advocate for your feelings.
YTA/ESH a little bit. “Jokes” about real issues of friction aren’t really jokes, they are thinly veiled passive aggressive complaints. Your husband has a real problem that creates friction between the two of you. Jokes about topics like that can’t really be trusted.
If a joke is at the expense of someone else, as was the case here, it is not a joke, it’s bullying. If you have issues with things your husband is doing while driving, you need to take those up with him privately. YTA.
YTA. The thing is, you weren’t joking when you said your anxiety gets triggered when he drives. You brought it up in a joking manner, but that doesn’t mean the words weren’t intended truthfully. A lot of people are pretty self-conscious about their driving, and it seems your husband is one of them. It’s good you apologized. It seems like when you brought it up in the past it didn’t really register for him that it was something that really bothered you, so maybe now it’s time to have a more serious talk about it?
YTA
>He said if that were the case I should’ve specified that at dinner rather than implying that he’s an incompetent driver.
He’s not wrong. You know it too, because you already apologised.
Jokes are supposed to be funny, so I don’t see how “my husband’s driving makes me anxious” could be considered one. The fact is that you dragged him in front of other people and that is not a good sign.
YTA saying you have anxiety when he’s driving, without any further clarification, implies he’s a bad driver.
People with anger issues need to understand that their performance anger doesn’t go into a void – it affects the people around them. Spending time with someone visibly and verbally angry is exhausting and stressful and can make you feel afraid – even if the anger is not directed at you. It can make you feel like you can’t express your own feelings, because you don’t want to make it worse, and like you have to tip toe around them and their feelings. Polluting the space around you with your anger on a regular basis can create such a toxic environment. Having your safety in the hands of someone who is so angry like that (via them driving the car you are in) makes your brain tell you that you are not safe. Someone overcome by any emotion, be it sadness or anger or manic laughter shouldn’t be driving a car, and isn’t in a good state of mind to make split second decisions. He needs to understand that his anger is affecting you, and the fact that he cares more about looking bad in front of his buddy then making you feel stressed and afraid is a big problem. NTA.
YTA and so am I because I’ve done exactly this. The reason he’s hurt is that he can tell you’re serious behind the joke, and you’re airing a fight in front of friends. Take it as a cue to have the conversation with him when you’re both calm. Tell him how your body reacts when you’re driving together and he’s yelling at people. Ask him how he feels when he’s yelling while driving, and what he feels like he’s gaining? I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to change on the spot, but bringing the conversation into the open as an area for increased understanding might help you avoid poking him in public.
A tiny bit of AH out of desperation, and justifiably so. He hasn’t listened to/dismisses your comments while out driving. This makes him the AH. It’s amazing he heard you this time because there was an audience, and wants to turn it around to make you the bad guy. My husband drives with his mouth too. It’s irritating and I dread getting in the car with him.
YTA.
Saying your “anxiety gets triggered when he’s driving” can be easily misconstrued. You meant his attitude, but anyone hearing that without further explanation would assume you meant his driving skills, attention to the road, etc. And even HE was confused, because he knew you never complained ABOUT his driving, but rather his comments about other people.
More generally, yes, it is considered bad form to complain about your spouse to mutual friends, or to belittle them in front of others. That’s not how you meant it, but that’s how he took it.