WIBTA for moving out of my parent’s house after agreeing to financially contribute?
I officially came out to my parents individually In June. This was the new for them as I’d previously dated men. They had told me all my life they would not care if I was gay, just if I was happy.
When I told my mum she told me how disappointed she was in me, how nothing could be worse than this. She’s expressed how could I tell her something like that and make her feel awful, I had told her she is being selfish . She didn’t talk to me for weeks. As the months went on she told she was feeling like she didn’t want to be here anymore because of what I’d told her. I was told I need to be the one to help her through this. She has never apologised for this.
My dad on the other hand told me if I carried on with my girlfriend he would cut me off and return to his home country and not be part of my life anymore. Expressed disappointment , told me it’s a phase etc.
He since calmed down and apologised.
During this time my parents had upscaled their house and moved into a big beautiful new one. Before this whole event took place I said I would be happy living with them and contributing £750 a month for rent, as the mortgage is quite expensive.
A few weeks ago parents sat me down and explained they don’t even recognise me anymore. They barely see me anymore, I don’t want to spend time with them, I don’t look after my appearance as much as I used to. For context I started work as a doctor a couple of months ago, I’m busy and don’t have the time to upkeep things I usually would and don’t dress as fancy as I did when I was a student. I don’t spend time with my parents as much because I genuinely feel like they don’t like me , from what they had said previously.
I explained I couldn’t get past what they said and it still hurts. They said their reaction was mild and one day I’ll realise it was me who was overreacting.They asked what can they do to make it better, I explained I would like love and reassurance so I know they do like me , are proud etc. My dad basically explained because my mum had a bad childhood she’s not able to give that sort of reassurance to me. They then stated don’t you think we want love or reassurance from our child it’s not all about you and praising you all the time.
This whole situation has made me feel very off in the house and I don’t think I want to live here much longer. I would much prefer to live with my GF however I know if I bring this topic up my parents will be angry, guilt trip me or paint a picture that am I doing something wrong?
I suppose my question is would I be the asshole to move out of my parent’s home after previously agreeing to stay and contribute financially?
NTA
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families
Move out, build chosen family, be happy 💞🌈💖
NTA. It sounds, sadly, like they are unable to accept the real you. Don’t be guilt tripped by them. Be you, be happy. Leave if that is what is necessary to be the real, happy you.
NTA whatsoever. You deserve to be in an environment where you feel safe and loved and appreciated for exactly who you are. Never settle for less, especially from people who should be loving you unconditionally.
Aren’t they already angry and painting a picture that you’re doing something wrong? Move and be happy. They can’t make you live there giving silent treatment and expect you to stay there and keep paying. If they’re going to struggle with the mortgage they shouldn’t have bought that house, quite simple. Hope you’re ok
I wouldn’t want to live with them either. You are who you are. Period. Think of them as strangers. Would you agree to stay if strangers disapproved of you. Nitpicked your clothes. Your parents can take in another roomer if they need money. Launch. Go be the best person you can be.
I feel like there may be culture guilt to play here along with normal parent narcissism, but NTA. Leave, and go low contact and keep finding yourself. This internet stranger is proud of how far you’ve come and don’t let your parents stop your growth.
NTA. If they need your money, they should have been kinder to you. They don’t get to treat you like shit and then get mad that you won’t stick around to be hurt more. Move out and live your best life. ❤️
NTA and leave ASAP. They can lay in the bed they made.
Absolutely NTA.
For your own mental health, you need to get out of there.
Your parents shouldn’t be relying on you to pay their mortgage. If they can’t afford it without you, they’re just going to need to downsize. None of it is your fault.
>They said their reaction was mild and one day I’ll realise it was me who was overreacting.
When I realized I was bisexual, the first family member I told responded with, “Okay, well congratulations, you’ve just doubled your dating pool.” 😂 My other family members reacted with various combinations of support, curiosity, and neutrality (true neutrality, as in, they didn’t care because I was exactly the same person and it doesn’t matter to them who I decide to date).
Your parents’ reaction wasn’t “mild”, it was atrocious. The fact that they weren’t as *completely* AH-ish as they could have been doesn’t mean that they weren’t AHs.
NTA. You agreed to financially contribute to people who you thought were supportive of you and who loved you unconditionally. It turns out, your parents *aren’t* actually like that, which means they secured your agreement under false pretences.
They no longer can offer you a home you will feel comfortable in, so they no longer have a right to expect you to choose to live in that home.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this betrayal from the people who are supposed to love you. I hope you are able to find support elsewhere
And if your parents do try to object, I would be tempted to tell them that, “Moving out is a mild decision… One day, you’ll realize that you are overreacting”
Weird and entitled of them to upscale to a big beautiful house when they can’t afford it. Were you expected to finance their lifestyle for the duration of the mortgage?
YWNBTA. You’re not safe in that house, you’re not happy in that house, you’re not free in that house. Protect yourself and your happiness.
Every time you feel guilty for ‘breaking a promise’ remind yourself that most parents promise to love their children unconditionally but your parents decided not to. That’s a kind of broken promise too.
For whatever bad things your mother lived through as a younger person it’s on her to sort that out without casting the shadow of trauma onto the next generation. She’s failing to do that, and your dad is enabling her.
NTA. Time to move out because it doesn’t look like they’ll get anymore supportive. Not apologizing either is poison for any type of relationship. And havin a bad childhood is not responsible for how hurtful you are as an adult.
NTA – when they complain tell them they can rent a room to a straight person for £750 a month.