My birthday is in a few days, and for the past year or so, my plan has been to atleast spend part of the day with my bff.
Since we had lunch last year, that’s the plan, and I’ve told my mom about it for atleast three weeks (even months in advance I could argue). Even more last week that my family asked what i planned to do and explicitly said everytime "I’m gonna have lunch with my bff and later have dinner with you guys (aka my family)".
The problem is yesterday my mom came into my room and said that she had something to tell surrounding my birthday. Then she told me that one of my close friends had reached out and wanted to throw me a surprise party and then have lunch with me and a couple of other friends. My mom sounded pretty excited, but since I already had plans I told her that i would think about it, that’s when she told me that she had already agreed. I was bit thrown back but since she agreed then I said I would talk to my bff and plan smt out since I still wanted to see her on my bday.
After thinking about it, I said to my mom that I would have lunch with my friends and have dinner with my bff, and we could either have breakfast or celebrate the next day with my family, (and since my dad wouldn’t be able to make it to breakfast then the next day it was). My mom did agree but told me she is very sad that I wouldn’t prioritize family, and when I tried to argue back, she said the was just trying to make everyone happy and dismissed me.
You could argue there are many options, but all the ones that come to mind end up not working out.
Maybe is my fault since no one outside of my family really knew my plans and my friends just wanted to throw me a surprise. And my bff told me it would be okay if we didn’t spend the day together but I could tell she was upset bc she’s been quiet the whole day.
So aita for fighting and getting upset at her for the party and not prioritizing my family?
Sorry for the long post for smt so trivial (I had to cut it a lot still, so if there are missing details you need for you judgement, feel free to ask ^^).
Might want to include your age, as I think it’s important information for this particular scenario.
Im turning 19, my bff is around my same age (months difference) while my other friends are younger (1-2yrs). Since public transportation in my country isn’t exactly easy or safe, then I do rely on my parents for them to take me around and need their permission (they’re not strict or anything), and so do my friends with theirs. I’m in general pretty spoiled by my mom so we have a very close bond too.
It doesn’t sound like you mom was fighting with you. It sounds like she expressed that she was upset and why and then agreed to your plan. It seems like you were the only one fighting there. It feels like you just want to paint your mom as the bad guy so you don’t feel guilty. Why didn’t you tell your other friends you could hang out with them the next day?
Slight YTA because it feels like you were the one who continued the “fight” when it wasn’t needed.
Yeah, in many ways i can see it from that perspective
I was more upset that she made plans when i already had plans and that she got upset that i was upset. But I’ve tried talking to her after that and bring up solutions and tell her why i was sad but she just gives me short answers and tells me that she already made the changes (we don’t have reservations or anything, I’m lucky i live near very good restaurants with a lot of variety and they’re not really filled on my bday) and I can tell she is mad.
But you’re probably right, since she does care about me alot and ofcourse she wants to spend my birthday with me (we are pretty pretty close, and I do tend to act childish around her).
Edit: some spelling mistakes
Edit 2: I just noticed there’s a part of the question I missed, I’m sorry :(.
To summarize, my friends are kinda jealous of my bff and I think telling them that I already planned to be with someone else would have sent the wrong message (since I’m kinda antisocial outside of school and they probably assumed I wouldn’t do anything and wanted to give me the surprise). But is not like I didn’t want to do anything with them eventually, I had planned to have a bigger party mixed with another friend’s bday (I still kinda do) with my school friends, but due to many factors, I wanted to wait after my bday. In all reality, I couldn’t be more happy to see them, is such a sweet detail they have with me and it couldn’t melt my heart more, I just didn’t think seeing them would come at the detriment of someone else.
Maybe the reason I fought back more as you said is bc I do feel bad for my bff. I can tell this upsets her since is something we looked foward since my bday a year ago and have been planning since then. Also cause I do see my friends daily at school while I only get to see my bff a couple times a year
Also my dad, and as far as I’m aware the rest of my family is fine with it. In general I couldn’t really care if a pushed my family a few days, but I know that if there’s any criticism because of that it wouldn’t fall on me but in my mom, and it isn’t fair to her, and I think deep down her words carried some of that worry. That’s why I wonder if its fair to be upset at her, maybe I’m putting people over her or smt similar, I know in someways it isn’t my fault for being sad that my plans and opinion was trampled over, but she also just wants to keep the peace and do smt she thought was sweet.
Sorry If I didn’t put enough information in the original post to make things more clear, I went over the limit and had to shorten it in a way it made sense ^^;.
I slightly disagree- while I think mom was trying to do something nice- she knew OP’s plan and made plans over them. When op changed her plans to accommodate the plans her mom made, mom might have agreed but she should have left out the comment about family needing to be prioritized. To me her voicing that her feelings are hurt and family needs to be prioritized is giving a guilt trip for something that was only created because she made plans for op which canceled ops plans. I think op had every right to respond to that.
Is your BFF not in your friends circle? Why do you guys have to be alone? I would just have one big get together friends/ family included.
My friends are from school while my bff is from another place. They have a lot of different interests and I don’t think they would exactly get along fully, i thought that we could all go to luch but i can imagine both end would feel awkward and i would have to end up ignoring one side.
We like hanging out one on one since we end up having more fun (and when we are with someone else they end up telling us that we seem in our own little world).
And the last part, It’s not something my friends or family are used to, and i do end up acting different between the too groups. My family is small so a simple dinner or brunch would have been enough (we aren’t party people) and i did plan to make another plan with all my school friends but since i had to plan it out more i was waiting for after my bday (the ones for my bday is just my immediate friend group)
“Mom, I did prioritize family – but then you made other plans for me. Since I had to change up my
Original plans that you knew about – family is the one that had to be changed.”
Wait… so your mom told you about your suprise party? That’s just a party at that point. Why would she tell you? I got hung up on that and couldnt progress through your OP.
I know, I actually don’t remember the reason why she told me in the first place, but u think it had smt to do with me already having plans and she kinda asking them if i could switch them, and without an explanation it wouldn’t make sense for me to move them.
I kinda glad she told me since otherwise it all would have been a lot more difficult, but I just wish that she would have either told me before accepting or had told them they could move the date a day or that I already have plans.
My mom is very fond of my friends (even my bff even if it doesn’t sound like it) so she was probably very excited to accept something that is in theory really nice and cute. I think if i didn’t have plans or she had moved the date then she wouldn’t have told me anything in general and it could have been a surprise.
I’m still excited to see them, I just don’t know what I would do in the “suprise!” part (I don’t act very well)
> My mom sounded pretty excited, but since I already had plans I told her that i would think about it, that’s when she told me that she had already agreed.
You could have simply said,”But *I* didn’t agree.” and then you wouldn’t had to make choices you didn’t want.
NTA for fighting with your mom, but you need to learn how to stick to your guns. You can’t please everyone.
I know 🙁
She continued after telling me all the things they said to her and how excited my friends were and made it sound like they already had everything planned and ready, and my mom had confirmed since the week prior so there was not changing it easily (mainly cause they already planned transportation and all for that day)
I think at the time I found it very sweet (from my friends part and I still do), so I didn’t really wrap my head around it until the next day when i realized i would have to choose between my fam and my bff
I probably wouldn’t have made this post if she didn’t get upset at me for “not prioritizing family”, but that makes me wonder if that makes me in the wrong in some capacity.
Rn I just go with the plan since I love my friends and it isn’t their fault. I just wonder if there was a better plan and I think putting my foot down would have been the most sensible think from the beginning.
NTA Your mom knew that you had plans for that day and she decided what she wanted for you was better. She brought on her own feelings and now wants you to own them.