So like it says my daughter had leukemia. Tcell a.l.l to be exact. She is in remission right now only doing some consolidation. She chose me as caretaker and of course i will do anything for her so i am caretaking. Our initial stay in the hospital was about a month, we went home and now we’re back for a few days to get some consolidation chemo. The rub is that her new boyfriend (aquired during the initial admission) is hanging around after visiting hours and even while it’s visiting hours hes just being clingy and kissing all over her and basically being very i dont know it’s just very offputting. Kissing on her while the nurses are talking to her while im talking to her. My daughter claims it’s not as bad as I’m making it but it’s just very childish and blegh to me. Would i be the asshole if i told him to chill out and just be cool. While possibly alienating my daughter or not say anything at all. Maybe he can be her caretaker or stay with her on this short hospital stay? It’s like he has no social awareness or something. He is only 19 or 20 I’m not sure which.
Context needed. Is he also sick? How long has your daughter been in treatment? Are they both perhaps experiencing some arrested development after losing part of their teen years?
Nta. Sounds like your daughter and her boyfriend both need some lessons in social awareness.
nta, he’s doing too much hanging around after visiting hours, those hours are set for a reason. i wouldn’t let him be her caretaker especially if he’s young and seems pretty socially unaware.
INFO: what is your daughter’s opinion? Is she fine with it?
NTA. There is a time and place for physical affection. When you’re being treated by a nurse or with a parent, it is not this time.
Nta.
There is a time and place for being all kissy and clingy. When a person is needed in a conversation is not one of them. Someone needs to hose Romeo down with a cold shower.
YWBTA….maybe unpopular opinion but she’s sick and If he’s bringing her joy let her be. Excuse yourself from the room when it gets to be too much.
It seems like it’s the early stages where the need to be close overrides pretty much everything. Might be too much for you but perfect for their current wants/needs emotionally. I would say NTA if you want to have the conversation with daughter or both of them. Like “heyo I get it but…. maybe cool it in front of dad? Thanks”
Either way, I don’t think you’d be TA.
NTA. It’s weird to kiss and touch while a nurse is working or in front of a parent/care-taker. It might be fine if it’s comforting and loving because of bad news or a painful thing, but this doesn’t seem to be the case.
Maybe ask your daughter if she wants him to be the caretaker since he seems to be around so much and likes to comfort her in a way that you can’t/won’t.
You will offend her and she may want you there less, but I’m sure your ‘blech’ is more important 🤷♀️
NAH – 23 year olds (and 19 year olds)in new relationships can be VERY cringy. The hospital setting is just amplifying it. I would suggest when this starts happening you make some kind of statement like « I guess I should give you two lovebirds some alone time » and then exit stage left. Act like YOU don’t want to cramp their style. I think she’ll get tired of the one on one time with him pretty fast and modify the behaviour if she wants you to stay.
Right now it’s a novelty and a distraction to her everyday VERY real problems. I would just grit your teeth and bare it for this short stay. If there is a future stay you can default to « Let me know when he’s busy and I’ll come by ». He’s just a kid and she’s your kid so I’ll say « They’re just 2 kids ».
NAH
It’s going to be weird for you because this is your daughter & it’s a serious setting. But he may legitimately be terrified of losing her to cancer. I’m in the process of being tested for cancer. My husband is always affectionate but has been even moreso because he’s afraid of losing me to illness. It’s also well-documented that men especially tend to leave/abandon their partners when they have cancer. So he may be doing it to reassure her.
If your daughter is fine with it, let it go. If the nurses have a problem with it (like him getting in their way), they will absolutely tell him to back off.
All the very best to you & your daughter. Cancer is scary for everyone involved. You’re all under a lot of stress. But I genuinely don’t see any assholes here—just people trying to get through a difficult time in life.
Your daughter has a weakened immune system. Tell him to stop kissing her for the meanwhile or there’s a chance he may kill her.
The thing about this scenario that bothers me as a long time oncology nurse is the consolidation chemo along with everything else is going to leave her with no immune system because that is what the chemo is designed to do prior to (I am assuming) a bone marrow transplant? If he is kissing and breathing all over her then he is putting her ar risk for major infection. However trust the nurses to put a stop to it if it is a problem. Maybe they feel she needs the closeness & emotional support right now, but the rules may change as her blood counts drop. You need to speak to them and have them explain what their reasons are for letting him do this. They will explain and it may relax your mind. Do not give up being her caretaker – what you have to offer her is unique & can’t be replaced!