My husband (42M) and I (43F) are going to the home of my FIL and his wife for a late xmas celebration this week. For the majority of the years my husband and I have been married, I’ve planned, purchased, and wrapped all the birthday and holiday gifts for his family: his divorced parents, his stepmother, his sister and her husband, and his nieces and nephews. I’m tired of it. We only see my FIL once or twice a year, and he is a bit eccentric so I struggle to find thoughtful gifts.
In late December, I told my husband he needed to get gifts for his dad and stepmother this year. I’m not doing it. He said he doesn’t know what to get them. I told him to figure it out. Every few days I kept reminding him to do it. Now we are supposed to go to their home tomorrow and my husband has bought nothing. He said he’ll ask his dad when we get there if there is anything he wants.
I am considering just backing out of going at the last minute and letting him go by himself. I think it’s rude and in poor taste to show up with empty hands. My husband thinks it’s perfectly fine. AITA for asking him to buy presents for his own father and stepmother??? (Cost is not an issue.)
NTA but YWBTA if you back out at the last minute. Not your responsibility to figure out and purchase the gifts for HIS family, but it’s much ruder to not show up at all than to show up empty-handed.
Info: would your in laws assume that this is a you-issue? I mean, who would they assume is at fault? You or your husband?
I think that going empty handed is not a huge issue per se, but if his lack of effort damages your relationship with his family then he should be more proactive in fixing this
They know it’s been me handling the gifts for years, so I think they would assume it’s a me-issue. I don’t know for sure. Even after all these years, I don’t know them very well, because we see them so seldom. I’ve done gift baskets of food a few times because it’s hard to shop for people you don’t know well.
Can you bring a hostess gift for them, wine, fruit basket, etc? That way you’re not showing up empty handed, but also your husband can ask what they want for Christmas in the middle of January; stepmom will at least pick up on that fact your husband is on gift duty after that I am sure.
Im gonna guess he doesn’t give you any good gifts either and you’ve put up with this your entire marriage
He stopped giving gifts to me and our kids years ago.
Aww hon.
I can see why you would feel uncomfortable. When you both don’t show up with a gift it will be you they quietly judge, not your husband. Patriarchy sucks.
But I would probably still go and somehow drop into the conversation that you were, I don’t know, pleased that your husband decided to be in charge of gifts this year? Basically he made this mess and it seems unfair for you to take the fall out.
Another option is to just be ill this year. Lots of colds and flu going around. You could say you were coming down with something and didn’t want to visit with them while you may have germs.
Pretty sure Op looks like she’s getting the flu. Best not to pass it to the in-laws.
Have him stop and get some gift cards & a bottle of wine. Do not go empty handed. NTA
Oh this sounds way too familiar 😂 it’s a weaponised incompetence, and I had the exact same revelation with my in-laws (his mom, dad, sister, 2 nieces and used to be BiL) but I got tired of it too. As all of them were on top of presents for my husband and our 2 children. After a few bad Christmases and my SIL being nasty and forever ungrateful I told my husband- your family- you sort it out . Same for their birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter eggs. 🖕🏻I passed on that responsibility and feel GREAT! Nope, I am not accepting the guilt that he forgot his nieces birthday this year 😂 or what he buys for them or not. That peace is PRICELESS!
NTA. But still go. His behavior isn’t a reflection of you. If they get upset with you that’s a them problem.
Do you like wasting unmatched energy on someone that doesn’t give af? Does being married to someone like this actually make you happy? Just wondering because he seems like an absolute ass. NTA
YTA for continuing to worry about it. You put it in his hands. Stop reminding him and go regardless of whether he gets a gift or not. You’re more worried about a gift for his father than he is. If someone says something about no gift tell them you put it on his hands and enjoy your trip