For context I (38m) live several hours from my sister (34f) and we only see one another a few times a year. We both have 3 kids and demanding careers so we just don’t have the time like we used to when we were young adults.
Our kids are all also very close in age. Her youngest is 4 and has autism. He has a great vocabulary and overall I think he does pretty well socializing with other kids at this point in his development. He is pretty sweet most of the time but he struggles regulating his emotions. The slightest amount of resistance to his plans or “wants” will cause some pretty crazy meltdowns. He just doesn’t want accept the word “no”.
I realize this has to be so tough on my sister in day to day life. I can’t imagine. However, my issue with this last visit to my house was that she just didn’t do anything to stop his destructiveness. She sat there on her phone just scrolling TikTok while he was crashing out in my house. I take a lot of pride in keeping our house not only clean and organized but just the overall condition looks new still (built 2 years ago).
He would slam doors so hard it would shake the walls. Threw remotes, hard toys, random tools etc and put dents in the drywall. Seemed to intentionally shake his cup of apple juice to get it on the floor every single time she gave him some. He threw trash and food down in the floor as well. Tormented my cat by pulling his tail and poking him with toys.
It was just overall stressful af. I told my sister I wished she would try to help discipline him just a little instead of me standing over him waiting for the next thing to clean up or try to keep him from destroying. She got all butthurt and made the comment that “I don’t know what it’s like dealing with this 24/7”. True, I don’t but I can’t imagine allowing my kid to destroy your property either. She also called me an overbearing prick. It was tense and we didn’t really speak much the rest of the night and the next day when they left she seemed really upset still.
Not going to lie I jumped up and down when they finally left after being here the whole weekend. My oldest kid (12) seemed to get it but I felt a little guilty afterwards.
AITA for wanting them to just go tf home? Am I asking too much to expect them to respect my home like we do?
NTA i wouldn’t want this bs in my house either. she really does need to discipline especially at someone else’s house regardless of who it is hellll no .
NTA
I’m going to offer some unsolicited advice. Take pictures of the damage and keep it on your phone so you have a ready answer for when you’re inevitably asked why you have issues with your nephew’s behavior.
Your sister isn’t preparing him for the rest of his life.
And why they’re not invited to your house anymore. But hey, you’re glad to go visit her at her house. Seriously, sounds like sis is in need of some real help with her child if she’s gotten to the point of not being able to care about his behavior and escapes into some app instead.
Under the BEST of circumstances… have ALWAYS rejoiced when guests left!!! NTA!!
You actually jumped up and down? 😆
No matter the issues a child may have, when in public or out of your own home it is the parent’s job to discipline their child and keep them from destroying property. I imagine if she takes him to the grocery store she keeps him on a tight leash or she’d constantly be having to pay a lot of money for the damage he makes. Just because it’s at your house doesn’t mean she shouldn’t still discipline him.
I cannot imagine having to care for 3 kids, and one being autistic but that doesn’t give her a free pass to let him loose at your house. NTA.
I would even keep a running tab of the damage with costs to show her why she’s not invited back unless she promises to check her son when he has a meltdown. Every child needs to learn manners and have to behave at someone’s home. She is doing him such a disservice.
I have 2 kids on the spectrum and they absolutely have been taught how to behave in other people homes. They can be a bit blunt and were heavily working on that but they absolutely know throwing shit and slamming doors is out. Even when they were little it was something we kept an eye on.
You might be a bit of a AH for celebrating but your sister could do more.
NTA. Who can blame you? Guests can be exhausting in the best of circumstances, this was terrible. Of course you are relieved.
Ignore people acting like you are modeling something terrible for your children. What they are seeing is that it is ok to acknowledge difficulty even with family. That’s a good thing. But you need to back that up by not letting your sister stay over anymore.
NTA for your expectations.
KTA for celebrating outside of your head. Like, a tiny bit of one, but not full asshole.
ESH. He is on the spectrum isn‘t a he Gets to destroy whatever he wants pass For mom. In fact he’s going to learn really bad behaviors that get conditioned in and then become absolutely dangerous when he hits puberty and puts on adult male body weight and muscle.
That said, literally jumping for joy in front of your kids, pretty shallow. Suggest you owe an apology to them (your kids) saying in your frustration you got overwhelmed and acted extremely badly and wish you had (I hope you wish you had) the skills to actually help your sister and nephew when they visit.
Managing, redirecting, helping and coping with children on the spectrum acting out is a skill.
ESH – but mainly because you visibly celebrated in front of your kid. Like otherwise, just being happy that they’re gone is pretty normal I think, it’s mainly the “visibly celebrating their aunt and cousin being gone in front of a 12 year old” thing that’s getting me for you. Your sister’s behavior is way worse though.
Also I do want to note that this definitely seems more like a parenting issue than an autism issue. Like 4 year olds are destructive, no matter if they’re neurotypical or not, and your sister just…. not caring is bizarre to me. Like I’m autistic and I had some mega meltdowns as a kid (though not really at home – my home environment was way better for me than public school was), but no one just left me alone to do it?? Especially because, unlike a temper tantrum, meltdowns really are the result of severe emotional distress, so my parents were always worried when I had a meltdown, rather than having a peak IDGAF attitude.
Not quite the same situation, but I work in Vet Med and we had a euthanasia today at the same time that another client came in at the same with her kid and dog. That other client knew there was a euthanasia in the building and still did nothing to stop her kid from screaming and squealing and pulling her dog’s tail which caused the dog to freak out, etc. There’s literally notes on her account about childproofing any room that client will be in because the kid tries to drink hydrogen peroxide and isopropyl alcohol and the mom is just texting and too busy to bother. That kid is literally the worst behaved kid we have come in with a client and he has nothing going on!! He’s completely NT, his mom just doesn’t care, vs like… the people who come in with their kids with Down Syndrome or the people who come in with their traumatized autistic foster kid, etc.
I have no idea if adding this personal experience helped at all, but this definitely reads as your sister sort of checking out and caring more about TikTok than her kid. Like all kids are hard and no kids are completely what you expect, but you’ve got to actually show up and be a parent to them.
NTA
I’m a grown neurodivergent person and I’m pretty sure my best friend celebrates when I leave after a weekend visit.
You’re good. Guests are annoying, no matter how much you love them. It’s always nice getting your space back.
NTA on any level.
If having a tantrum for not getting one’s way is a way to diagnose autism, then we are all autistic. I never met a child who didn’t like hearing the word “No.” As a matter of fact, I know a lot of adults who don’t like the word “No.”
When it comes to your sister’s youngest, that’s on the parents, but remember, it’s perfectly normal because the youngest always gets away with things. Your second paragraph proves that.
What your nephew/niece is doing isn’t autistic behavior; it’s a child getting away with what they want because parents get burnt out.
OP, here’s my question to you: how much did you get paid? If you didn’t get paid, then you were a FREE BABYSITTER. If you want a free show, tell an adult, “No.” Next time your sister asks to come over, tell her “No” and watch the fireworks.
Common Sibling Personality Archetypes (General Trends) //copied and pasted
* **Firstborns:** Often perceived as responsible, conscientious, leaders, high-achievers, potentially more anxious due to new parents’ intensity.
* **Middle Children:** May feel overlooked, leading them to become peacekeepers, people-pleasers, or rebels to stand out; they often thrive on friendships.
* **Youngest Children:** Can be seen as spoiled, charming, or rebellious, but studies show last-borns aren’t inherently more rebellious than others.
This kid abused an animal. At this point someone – whether it was you or your sister – needed to intervene in a real way and at least put a stop to that specific behavior. I’m not interested in making a judgement about who’s the asshole here. Don’t let kids torment animals period. It’s not fair for the animal and it’s really dangerous for the kid.