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I (F) have a 9-almost-10-week-old baby. My partner (M) has a friend, “Eric,” who is recently back home visiting from overseas. I have never met Eric, and my partner has never met Eric’s girlfriend.
Eric messaged my partner to organise coffee this weekend and said something along the lines of “my girlfriend can’t wait to hold the baby.” My partner basically said okay without discussing it with me first.
I immediately said I wasn’t comfortable with that. I explained that, I’ve never met Eric, neither of us has met the girlfriend, our baby is only 9 weeks old, immunisations don’t make her immune to everything and strangers holding her offers zero benefit to the baby.
My partner got defensive and said, “You were going to let my best friend’s mum hold her.” (We had coffee with them 2 weeks ago). I told him that wasn’t the same. He knows her well, and even then, when I met her for the first time, I didn’t let her hold the baby because I could smell cigarette smoke on her.
He then said Eric is also one of his best friends, and I said that still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know him and neither of us knows his girlfriend.
For extra context, I’m very comfortable with both of our families holding our baby and I’m usually the first one to hand her over. This isn’t about me not wanting anyone to touch her, it’s specifically about people I don’t know and haven’t met yet, especially when she’s this young.
He told me there was “no need to get mad,” which obviously made me more mad. I said I absolutely can be mad, and the conversation ended badly.
At this point, even if he messages Eric to say no, I’m still going to look like the bad guy for “changing my mind,” even though I was never okay with it to begin with. I’d rather stay home with the baby and let him go alone. Honestly, at this point, he can tell them I said no and I can be the bad guy.
AITA for saying no and not wanting to go at all anymore?
If your partner fails to come around, make alternative plans with your child.
NTA
This is one of those situations when two yeses are needed for it to be a yes. One of you said no so that’s that. Perfect point that there is no value added for the baby.
This is probably a conversation you should have had before having a baby though.
NTA I have lifelong lung scarring from whooping cough as an infant. It’s not a judgement on them as people or their cleanliness, it’s just common sense to protect your baby from extra contact and risk while she is still so little.
I don’t blame you at all. They just traveled so they may have some sickness. Masks and wash hands at minimum.
NTA at all. Geezuz! No strangers are holding the baby!
NTA. You should still go but wear the baby on you in a baby carrier so it’s too inconvenient to get her out. Acquaintances should have no expectations to hold a new baby.
NTA. You don’t need justification for not wanting her or anyone else to hold your baby.
The immunization of a baby is a precarious thing. Shots helps, but doesn’t cover everything and they still need to be protected. Even the minimum fever in a baby 3 months old or less is a valid reason to go to ER. So, your concerns are completely normal.
Also, you just had a baby and you are full in mama bear mode. Is healthy and normal to be overprotective with your baby and people who you don’t know. Sometimes it happens even with direct family and is completely normal and a sing of a good and healthy bond.
If your partner doesn’t understand this, is his problem and he need to carefully think what are his priorities, the momentary wellbeing of a stranger or the wellbeing of his family.
Edit to add. I put in in another post similar to this, but I just spent the hole week before Christmas with my daughter in the ICU for a RVS because someone considered they have just a tiny cold and came to a gathering. She is way older, but has kown health issues. If I listened to my instinct and went home, she probably wouldn’t be in the ICU later. Listen to your instinct.
Stay home sistah.
NTA. You’re the mom, you understand the baby’s needs better than anyone and know what’s best for the baby.
NAH the girlfriend may have just wanted you to feel comfortable by letting you know she loves babies.
It’s possible the girl friend would 100% understand if you said you don’t want her to hold your baby
I once went to a scholarship acceptance e speech thing I had to do at a garden club and alllll those elderly women wanted to hold/touch my 8 week old, but when I said no, they all respected it and just cooed my babies way. I babywore the whole time in a wrap so he just stayed put.
If you are mostly worried about the immunization part, just going in public without the possibility of a stranger holding her is as much a risk. If it’s about knowing the person, that’s a different story. The only thing where I would question if you would be TA is if someone you knew, but your partner didn’t wanted to hold the baby and your partner didn’t feel comfortable with it, would you veto his objections?
People either can or can’t hold the baby. It makes no difference if they’re a stranger (assuming you’re at home/safe space). It’s not like you’re handing her to a stranger in public, afraid they’ll abscond with her. If you’re worried about vaccinations, fine, but then don’t let anyone hold her.
A comment like this is usually said just to be nice. It doesn’t actually mean she wants to hold the kid. And of course, you can always refuse in the moment. I wouldn’t be taking this seriously.