Yesterday my mom called me while I (28F was sleeping and immediately started shouting at me for not responding to her messages. I could barely understand what was going on because I woke up from her yelling in the phone, but then I looked up the messenger and indeed there were 2 messages sent 3 hours ago.
I tried telling her that this is stupid and that I can’t respond to her messages in my sleep. To which she said no one sleeps at that time of the day and that I can continue sleeping all I want, she doesn’t care. I was sleeping from 3 to 6-ish pm because I wasn’t feeling well.
There was a lot of back and forth messaging in the next 2 hours. My mom said that this is not the first time I’m not responding to the texts and that she’s fed up with my behavior because according to her I feel like I’m better than everybody else and she has to “live by my rules”.
I tried my best to keep calm, but in the end I snapped at her because she was acting like a psychopath. I told her to go check her head and that was the end of the conversation. Now I know that I shouldn’t have said that and I’m not proud, but am I really the asshole here?
She has a surgery at the end of the month and I know I’ll have to talk to my ice queen. Until then it’s probably going to be silent treatment because that’s her favorite warfare. Even when I reach out she’s going to keep being bitter and say that she doesn’t need anything from me. I’m honestly tired of this, but I can’t leave her alone during the surgery because i’m not a monster. So – am I the asshole?
You are the asshole to yourself.
Silent treatment? Take it as a peaceful gift.
She yells? You hang up.
She guilt trips? You hang up.
You are not an AH but you need to stop playing her games.
completely agree, i guess it’s just harder than i thought to stop repeating the same pattern
NTA. Your mom sounds very controlling. Don’t give in to her nonsense or apologize, call her before her surgery to see if she needs anything.
thank you, i’ll message her but i doubt the receipt will be great. either way, i’ll do my part
NTA. You are not at your mom’s beck and call. Just stand up to your mom and agree with everything she lobs at you. *Mom, I will answer your texts when I feel like it, and YES I AM BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, why? Do you think you’re better than me? Prove it. Then l*et her be silent all she wants. She’s grown already and can take care of herself.
Most importantly, stop reacting when she yells at you. Just be silent. Rob her of any feedback from you. Also, learn to hang up on her if she doesn’t behave appropriately. I can’t tell you to stop caring, of course. But you can certainly pretend you don’t care. You are not the parent here. You owe her nothing.
i really do need to learn to stop reacting. i’m an easy target because i get defensive and reactive at times and she obviously knows it. but you’re right, this needs to be addressed properly
My mom was extremely similar to this. Learned in therapy after her passing that she was emotionally abusive. Go to therapy, discuss going low to no contact. Trust me. NTA.
i’m in therapy but there’s a lot to unfold, so it take a lot longer than i expected. either way, my therapist is definitely going to be hearing about this situation
I don’t know the relationship dynamic between you and your mom. Maybe codependency, maybe just toxic? But, it seems like you have some unkind ways to describe her (psychopath, ice queen). Maybe she deserves those names, but, why at your age are you having a close relationship to someone who acts like that? Develop some independence, have some boundaries, enjoy peace of the “silent treatment”, and perhaps even let her know you will not talk to her when she yells.
NTA. My mom is the same way. I finally learned when I was much older than you that bending over backwards to answer her phone calls wasn’t actually helping, so I have boundaries now. None of the things she wanted to talk about were EVER urgent. A call back in a few minutes or later that day was perfectly reasonable. She would get mad because she was calling when she thought of something to tell me or when she was available to talk, and get mad at me when I didn’t answer.
For example she usually leaves work at 3pm and called me every day on her way home. Most of the time I didn’t answer as I was at work. Then someone scheduled a recurring daily 3pm meeting and I was never available to take her calls anymore. She got mad because it was a good time for her. Like sorry this isn’t a good time for me to discuss your vacation idea for next year when I know you’re going to change your mind anyways.
I would feel I had to answer the phone no matter what because it was easier than the consequences (yelling, snarky comments, etc) and then I would put myself in a worse position and be mad at not only her but also myself. I’d answer with my hands full and drop things, I’d be at a store checkout or in a waiting room and feel so rude. She’d call when I was trying to get the kids to nap or sleep and ruin it all. She’d call me at work and make me late for meetings. I realized that she didn’t know any of this stuff was going on (although a reasonable person wouldn’t call during work hours) so me getting huffy didn’t help. A simple heads up to her ahead of time if I’m not going to be available has helped a lot. “Hey I’m going to the movies and won’t be able to talk for a few hours”. I don’t do it for everything but if I sense that she’s going to reach out.
So what was so important when she kept messaging and calling ;$
You are 28 not 8. It doesn’t sound like you live with her? You were at your own home, sick, in bed.
She massively overreacted.
NTA
NTA. You were just reacting to being yelled at and having your sleep disturbed, while feeling unwell. She was being unkind and borderline abusive, if she yells and shames you for such trivial reasons I fear to think how she treats you when you actually mess up.
Your mom is wrong, how and when you respond IS entirely up to you, you’re not Siri or Alexa. It doesn’t make you “better than anyone”, but it does make you more adequate than anyone who believes they are entitled to your immediate attention whenever they please.
Good on you for speaking up, and not letting her masterful guilt-tripping erode your healthy boundaries. There is nothing bad or shameful in wanting to remain in control of your own personal life and resources. You’ve done nothing wrong, if your mom is unable to control her anger and neurosis whenever things don’t go her way checking her head might actually be a sound advice.