I (30F) have a best friend (29F) of 13 years. She is in a long-term committed relationship (7+ years) and lives with her partner.
We also share a mutual friend, “A” (30M). About 8 years ago, my friend and A had a brief situationship. They slept together once and then tried to date very briefly long-distance, but it ended because he did not want to pursue anything further. She was upset at the time, and it never became a mutual relationship. After that, they stayed friendly for a while, then lost touch for several years, and reconnected as friends about a year ago. There has been nothing romantic between them since.
Recently, A broke up with his long-term girlfriend. Before that happened, my friend and I had already planned a trip to visit him together, which we have done before. This time, we were planning to stay at his place instead of a hotel.
After his breakup, my friend started making comments like “haha just please don’t sleep with each other.” It was framed as a joke, but it was clear she was anxious. I asked her directly if something was bothering her.
I told her two things clearly:
1. I was not planning to sleep with him.
2. I was not comfortable promising 100% that I would not, because I do not like my potential or hypothetical relationships being policed, and I did not feel okay making absolute promises about future situations just to manage someone else’s anxiety.
I was not trying to be evasive. I was trying to be honest while also setting a boundary.
The next day, I reiterated that I was still not planning to sleep with him. Her response was essentially that she was canceling the trip.
She said she was canceling because the uncertainty made her anxious and she needed to take care of herself.
From my perspective, this felt like my word was not trusted unless I gave a 100% guarantee, and when I did not, the entire plan was shut down. I understand that anxiety is real, but it also feels unfair to expect me to give up autonomy or make absolute promises about hypothetical scenarios, especially when nothing inappropriate had happened and the history in question was many years ago.
She did not clearly say what she expected me to do differently. She canceled the trip without further discussion. I feel like I was honest, respectful, and that my boundary was reasonable.
AITA for refusing to promise 100% that I wouldn’t sleep with him, even though I said I wasn’t planning to?
TL;DR: Best friend wanted a 100% promise that I wouldn’t sleep with a mutual friend she had a brief, one-sided situation with 8 years ago. I said I wasn’t planning to, but did not want to make an absolute promise. She canceled a planned trip because of the uncertainty. AITA?
NTA. Go on the trip without her.
Info: was she saying she NEVER wanted y’all to hook up, or just on this trip while she’s right there?
Never. I feel like it’s not about hooking up only (although it was her only point) but the potential of us getting into any sort of relationship as there was an attraction from his side years ago but I was in a relationship and didn’t reciprocate. Now that we are both single she might be threatened by the potential of us getting together eventually which she cannot accept and which makes me really confused as, like said in the post, she is in a long term stable relationship herself
Oooooookay. NTA. I could understand her being super uncomfortable with that going on while she’s also presumedly in the house somewhere, that seems a reasonable boundary. But trying to prevent anything between y’all ever is just weirdly controlling, kind of suspicious
NTA. Now you can go on the trip yourself and whatever happens happens. Your friend is a nut.
NTA. Also, you did say she was in her own long term relationship but still cares about what her friend does with an OLD situationship. Thats just strange to me. I don’t wanna accuse anyone of feeling any type of way but maybe her boyfriend should also feel a type of way about her seeing this friend.
Edit: imagine what she’s gonna tell her BF tho. That she canceled the trip to go see her friend with her friend because she’ll get jealous or feel possessive ? Lol
NTA. It’s none of her business. You don’t owe her any assurances in any regard. Your reproductive organs are not under her authority.
NTA.
She’s still not over this guy and claims possession despite being in another long term relationship. Rip your friends bf though.
NAH
NONE of her business, stop allowing her to intrude
But she is fine to cancel.
Nta, your friend is for believing that she owns people whom she slept with in the past.
NTA. IF you can’t make a promise like this just to “ease her anxiety” because you want to remain honest, go for it, but expect her to respond as she did.
She clearly is either 1) Still hung up on the ex, or 2) Wants to keep the ex exclusively for herself as a potential backup in case the current relationship does not work out.
If she truly were over him she would not care if you two hooked up or not.
If YOU want to see the ex and explore a relationship/hook up go for it. But expect the friendship with her to end, abruptly.
NTA. I feel sorry for her partner
NTA.
Tbh it’s a red flag your friend would get so worked up over this when they are already in a committed relationship. If I was the SO, I would be PISSED to find out my partner is anxious about a friend potentially sleeping with another.
Yeah me too, especially with the ‘newly-single long-lost-fling-from-7-years-ago-back-when-we-were-young-and-fun’ of it all
I feel like saying 1000% this married friend was hoping to be the one with the sexual tension with this man 🙁😣