So I (30’s, M) started dating a friend (30’s, F) back in October after a lot of back and forth.
She simultaneously started dating an old coworker of hers (30’s, M) and said she gets different things from both relationships and cared about us both, the difference being I was open to an open relationship and he wasn’t.
We both knew about each other and had reservations and there was some jealousy but only based off of what she said or told us because we never met.
She broke up with both of us at the end of November, him first, then her and I took a "break" which led to the actual breakup early December but she still "wanted us in her life" and to be friends.
A few nights ago her and I were hanging out, she says she’s been writing with someone, I asked who, she said “don’t get jealous” and said it was him and I was like “you and I have spent the last 30 minutes talking about people we’ve hooked up with on NYE and the past month, I don’t care anymore” and she says that she thinks he and I would actually get along and be friends.
So last night I hit him up and said let’s grab a beer.
So we grab a beer and talk and we’re both actually pretty cool and we never really mention her outside of writing with her. And agree to hang again.
She randomly called me last night after she went out with someone else (a girl she met on Hinge who wanted to be friends) and I learned while we dated she doesn’t like for me to "check in" if she’s out. So I preemptively thought it was going to be about me and the guy hanging out, assuming he told her and then when it didn’t come up, I just said told her so she wouldn’t find out later and get mad I didn’t tell her (which has been a thing before).
Then she got mad because we didn’t like…run it past her first that we were going to hang out and I was like none of us are dating you so it shouldn’t matter and YOU said we should be friends and she said it felt like a betrayal because we skipped 12 steps, didn’t "give her a warning", and now she’s mad at both of us.
So, AITA?
>Then she got mad because we didn’t like…run it past her first that we were going to hang out
She broke up…with both of you. She doesn’t get a say in either of your lives. Period.
Honestly, I’d stop contacting this person. She sounds toxic af.
NTA. She is though.
lmao, NTA. She wanted you to “run it past her first,” suggesting she wanted right of refusal, even if she later walked that back to having wanted a “warning.” But friends don’t get veto power over their friends’ friendships. Neither do SOs, really, but that’s where I could at least see the argument that her discomfort gives her a little more standing.
But she doesn’t get to claim SO-tier standing as an *ex*\-SO.
If she takes a breath and recognizes she’s being unreasonable, great. We’re all human and sometimes we get a bit overly self-centered.
But if she stays mad- let her stay mad. Don’t reward her absurd behavior by trying to soothe or appease her.
NTA
If you are *actively* dating someone and you meet their ex socially, you should give your SO a heads up. Not because you need their permission, but because people can have complicated feelings about their ex partners and your choice to befriend them increases the likelihood that your partner will have to deal with them again (not to mention, there could even be some important information about their relationship or break-up that you don’t know because it wasn’t relevant before).
None of that applies when you’re talking about an ex befriending another ex. You owe nothing in particular to your ex when it comes to your current activities or friendships and the fact that she’s acting entitled to the information is quite odd…as if she thinks you are still in a relationship with her, rather than a friendship.
you’r enemy’s enemy is your friend 🤷♂️
NTA. I have a theory that some of the things she told you both were different. That she exaggerated jealous moments etc, or that she told one or both of you at least one lie.
This is the kind of crash out I see when some “expert manipulator” sees the two people they’re manipulating start talking to avoid their triangulation.
It’s probably nothing too serious, but she clearly enjoyed whatever power she had over her two “totally jealous” exes.
Bet you discover neither of you were all that jealous except when she was trying to make you so. There’s really no good reason to dissent to this friendship that I can make sense of given that she’s clearly okay being just friends with exes.
ESH. Your ex gf is definitely toxic, but why are you even talking to her anymore? Why do you need her approval for anything, including hanging out with someone if you are broken up? The reason I am going with ESH is that OP is a willing participant in this toxic dynamic by continuing to seek out his ex and her new partners, and needs to accept some responsibility in allowing this ex to hold power in his life. Just move on here. Close this chapter and find someone worth investing your time and energy into.
Yep. I had to reread the whole post because none of these people sound older than 20, let alone in their 30s.
Nta