using throwaway account
I (38F) and my husband(38M) have 2 daughters 10F and 12F. 12F is neurotypical and 10F is autistic. This about 10F only.
In my daughter’s school, they have a rule- if you invite the whole class and distribute invitations in class, you can’t exclude only few students. My daughter, due to her condition doesn’t get along with most kids in her class, she often says mean things and can be disruptive because she doesn’t understand how to communicate (we are working to fix this with therapy).
There’s this kid in her class- Bob (fake name) who she absolutely doesn’t get along with. Recently he was distributing invitations for his birthday party sometime next week and he invited everyone but her. This made her feel bad, expectedly so. Her special ed teacher informed me about it. She told me that since this was done in school, we could tell the school to mediate.
I asked my daughter about it and she said that everyone in her class was invited but her in tears. She said she really wanted to go to his party but was the only student excluded which made her have a meltdown.
I later got a message from her homeroom teacher to come in for a meeting with Bob’s parents to discuss this situation since her special ed teacher informed her and it was a violation of school policy. I replied that I don’t want to raise a complaint with the school even though it went against their policy.
When my daughter asked why I’m not fighting for her, I told her it’s because she doesn’t get along with Bob and asked why she wanted to go to his party in the first place? She didn’t want to miss out on the fun and was the only kid excluded. I then asked her how she would feel if she was forced to invite Bob to her birthday and she had a fit over the mere thought of it. I then asked her "If you are upset with the mere thought of inviting him to your party, you can imagine how upset he would be if he had to invite you?" She then had another meltdown over it saying that it’s unfair. My husband also agrees that the other kid shouldn’t be forced to invite her. We think that since she is likely to be excluded later, maybe she will learn from this. I don’t want Bob’s birthday party to be ruined because of her.
NTA. I think you and hour husband took a very reasonable approach, and used it as a good learning opportunity. Your daughter will eventually get a better understanding and I agree with you that it should be more helpful to her in the long run.
NTA— You proved your point, and your daughter needs to learn that lesson now. She doesn’t need to be included in everything, and also, she shouldn’t force her presence onto people who don’t like her. Does it hurt? Yes, but that’s the way life is, and the world shouldn’t cater to her fits. She needs to learn to deal with them.
NTA. Speaking as a neurodivergent individual, I wish I’d learned these things sooner in life as well. Thank you for respecting this child, his family, and for teaching your daughter a valuable lesson.
I agree. I really struggled with empathy and social awareness growing up. This is a really valuable lesson. Autistic or not, It’s really hard for kids to grasp the concept of not going where you’re not wanted, even if you think going will be fun. This is an extremely valuable lesson in looking at a situation from another person’s perspective, and to view social situations within the context of your relationships with the people there.
NTA. Being forced to invite children that you do not like or don’t get along with only leads to more unpleasant experiences for everyone involved. This is a good lesson for your daughter – which, even with her issues, she is old enough to learn.
The situation sucks so bad, but I think you’re NTA here. The boy and your daughter genuinely don’t get along, and even though your daughter thinks she’ll miss out on the fun, I’m guessing the reality is that she really won’t actually have fun because the kid will resent her being there.
NTA for not wanting to force the boy to invite your child but honestly you should still attend the meeting. The point of the meeting isn’t to force the boy to invite your child. The point is for everyone to talk about the rule violation and come to an understanding about how to avoid it again in the future. The parents of the other child should have found another way to invite the children besides at school in front of your daughter. That’s the point of the rule, that the inviting shouldn’t happen at school if it’s exclusionary. The teacher should also have some kind of plan for watching that something similar might happen. If they see invitations being passed out they should be asking if they are inviting everyone and enforcing the rule if not. The problem isn’t that she is excluded it’s that the school rule was broken and there are other ways to fix that besides forcing the other child to invite your child. Not attending the meeting basically tells the school and the other children it’s fine to break the rule and exclude your child while passing out invites at school which will likely lead to it happening again.
I get the rule violation part, I’ll ask them to mediate for that part
As this involves 10yos, I wouldn’t be completely surprised if it turns out Bob’s parents told him to invite everyone and Bob hid or threw out his “enemy’s” invitation.
Mmmm YTA but only a little teeny bit.
Because you SHOULD be having that conversation with the teacher and Ben’s parents. Not for the purpose of forcing them to include your daughter – your instincts are right on the money there. It’s not fair to her or Ben to force her way into a party she’s not wanted at.
She does need to learn that not everyone will like her. Not because she’s autistic, but because everyone is disliked by some people. It’s just harder for autistic people to COPE with that fact and they need more support while they’re learning to do so.
But what Ben did was deliberately CRUEL. Handing out invites in front of someone who isn’t invited is MEAN. There’s a reason pretty much all elementary schools have this policy.
You don’t need to fight for your daughter to be included. You DO need to fight to make sure this situation doesn’t happen again. Possibilities include – asking the teacher to be the one responsible to discreetly hand out party invitations by tucking them into their folders at the end of the day or asking to make sure party invitations that don’t include your daughter are handed out during a time she’s not in the classroom (since it sounds like at least part of the day she’s with a different teacher). Those would be reasonable accommodations.
You’re quite right that forcing an invite to the party would be an UNreasonable accommodation, but just because you’re not fighting for that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to fight for your child.
I think “Bob’s” parents are AHs for doing this. If they didn’t want to invite everyone in the class, they should have mailed invitations instead of handing them out in class.
But.
Your daughter still would have known there was a party and she wasn’t invited.
She’s learning a hard lesson. Not everyone will like you, you won’t always like everyone else, and that’s okay. No one should be forced to spend time with people they don’t like, but that also means you miss out. So if you don’t want to miss out, you have to learn to get along with the people you don’t like. If you’re not willing to do that, you’re going to miss out. You’re absolutely right- this is life.
This gets easier once kids get a little older and they aren’t forced to invite the whole class. Hopefully your daughter will find people who accept her quirkiness.
Overall, I agree that it’s best to let this go. NTA
NTA, finally a parent who teaches natural consequences to their kid neurodivergent or not. She may not understand right now, but she will grow up to not be an entitled adult. Putting the perspective in reverse really helps her see and empathize.
NTA.
The way you’ve worded this makes me think she’s not the nicest kid in class? Of course you can correct me if i’m misunderstanding, but i’d even use this as an opportunity to explain to her that people don’t like hanging with those who are mean. Maybe she’ll realize that if she’s nicer more kids might want to be friends?
Also (not saying this is your case), but i’ve noticed a lot of parents to autistic kids will let their child treat people however they want, down the line this will only show them that their behavior is okay, and obviously it’s not.. If anything I say good job for staying stern and not being a pushover
NTA. Wow, a parent actually teaching their child a lesson. Not letting their diagnosis define them and make excuses for them. What a miracle! Life has hard lessons. You handled this like a champ. Your child will do better in life learning these lessons early on, with your support and guidance.