Hi, I wanted to get some perspective here. We live in the UK, and my husband and I have two kids. My daughter is 10, and very driven, very intelligent, gets raving feedback from her teachers. She tells me she gets done with her work 15 miniutes into the class.
I’m having her sit for 11+ admissions this year for grammar schools. I’ve been prepping her, she’s doing well. These exams are super competitive especially for the best grammar schools, and we are out of catchment for some of them so that makes it even more competitive for us. So naturally I’ve set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.
My husband thinks I’m not letting her be a child, and will sometimes try to swoop in and tell her its ok just relax. That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we’re just trying our best. She’s so talented, and some of these schools are considered a pipeline to Oxbridge. It makes it seem like I’m an evil mother, and I’ve told him about this in private, and he says I care more about this than she does. But I care about it because I care about her, she’s my daughter, I want the best for her. His sister’s daughter also goes to my daughter’s current school, and she’s also been lamenting that her daughter will lose out on her cousin. First, my daughter and her cousin are not bffs, and also why is this supposed to be a factor. But my husband brings this point up in our arguments as well. I feel like I’m being criticized for wanting the best for my girl. AITA?
INFO: “So naturally I’ve set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.” Outside of UK here: What do you mean by a strict regimen? Like a daily schedule for the homework and other hobbies or is it some kind of study schedule for admission/entrance exams for the grammar school?
Outside of the information needed, I personally would not consider the cousin a factor if they are not close and your daughter is sitting in each class bored after finishing the work in 15 minutes. She needs an environment that challenges her. The regimen part is where my hang up would be.
Edit: Based on the study regimen, soft YTA. I could see the weekends being 3 hours if the load of everything else is light but the weekdays are definitely too heavy. It’s going to lead to burnout despite the best intentions. She needs some downtime and playtime still at 10.
INFO:
What does ‘pushing her’ look like? Is she reading a chapter of a preparation book each week? Is she doing hours of practice exams a day? Can she go and see friends or to clubs at any point in the week? Does she have free time daily and if so, how much?
INFO: how strict is the regimen and how much are you pushing her? How much time does she have left for relaxation and fun?
INFO what does your daughter want? she is old enough to have some say in her own destiny. I was very driven as a kid but also wasn’t pushed a ton by my parents — I pushed myself mostly but had help getting started some of the time. Does your daughter want you to push her? What is really behind your husband’s objections — is it sexism that girls can’t be driven and high achieving OR is he right in that your daughter doesn’t want to be that competitive?
You “wanting the best” isn’t really relevant. That’s a feeling but shouldn’t dictate anyone’s life. If your daughter wants the best, by all means, continue. If she doesn’t, ease up some — she will find her own path in life and is way less likely to burn out if its her own choice even if its not “the best”.
Has your daughter expressed interest in a more intense school setting? Is she excited at the possibility of being challenged academically?
I’m a secondary school teacher and have taught a lot of bright kids who could do wonders. The ones with tiger mothers and pushy parents tend to burn out faster. The drive is external, fear of letting their parents down rather than intrinsic. This is a schedule YOU have developed for her, that will take her away from her friends and peer group. What does she want? And when do you plan to step back and let her find her own drive? A Levels? University? If she’s as driven and bright as you say, she probably doesn’t need you making a study schedule for her. She needs quality time with her family showing her that there’s more to life than academics and Oxbridge.
Hey former “gifted kid” here, what you’re doing is pushing her into an early burnout and a need for therapy because of her perfectionism and people pleasing. It’s one thing to encourage her but your husband is right, she also needs to just be a kid. You need to let her know it’s ok if it doesn’t happen the way you’re planning. It also sounds like you perhaps don’t know your daughter as well as you think. It sounds like she’s likely said things to her dad, cousin, or aunt that’s causing this push back against your over zealousness. Maybe not but they’re not wrong to pump your brakes. I had a mom just like you, and well she’s been dead for 15 years now and I haven’t missed her for one second in all those years. Something to think about there. Soft YTA because you have time to fix this.
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Another thing – her social life may take a nosedive from all the pressure and lack of time *to* socialize. Kids need to be with their peers.
To be honest, the way you have written this you do come across as overbearing.
Of course it would be great for you daughter to get into a grammar school, but kids do also need time to be kids.
Childhood is not just about educational achievement, but learning to be an all round human being.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t encourage your child. But please br careful. If you push a child too hard they may break.
I’m gonna go with YTA, because it’s well known that behaviour like this pushes gifted kids into burnout. In fact, it’s a big reason gifted kids consistently do not thrive in adulthood – they worked too hard as a child trying to maintain “gifted kid” status, and they completely crashed and burned after high school. It’s almost now considered a bad thing to be “gifted”, because it’s a near universal predictor that this person will struggle badly as an adult.
YTA – mainly for your attitude… Your husband is right, you are too focused on her school to let her think about anything outside of it. Also your daughter is also his daughter – he wants what is best for her as well.
Soft and unintentional YTA, from a grammar school girlie!!
I went to a grammar. It’s not a pipeline to Oxford lol. It’s a great school and helps you do well (I’m applying for PhD funding rn!) but it’s not an Oxford pipeline.
Grammars are not the same as I went like 15 years ago. You do need to be tutored to get in because EVERYONE is now (I got top 20 score in my year group of thousands, not tutors just did a few practice tests right before LOLZ) , however if your child can’t get in on tutoring a few times a week and maybe a bit of extra work daily on their weak points if you really want to closer to the time, they aren’t smart enough to go and they WILL struggle when they’re there because they’re highly competitive and pushy environments with a lot of straight A* without revision kids and a lot of 3hr a day studying kids.
Let your kid have a childhood. Yes she should study. But don’t tutor her for a school she wouldn’t get into, that’s not the point. Tutor her to support her w the test but comprehensives are great options for hard working students. I love grammars, I loved my school and it set me up so well, but putting your child through a crazy regimen is not good for them❤️
I went to a grammar school and I think you’re grossly overestimating how much it matters. Yes, I did have tutoring for the entrance exams but it was an hour a week for around 3 months. Honestly, I don’t even think that was necessary.
What matters most in academia is your curiosity and interest. It sounds like you’re currently making all the things fun about learning into chores, which won’t help.