I [M19] have been in and out of not good home situations my entire life, for background. I finally got out of my last one to move in with my father and stepmother, which was great at first- but now they’re treating me like absolute garbage.
A few months in she began yelling at me and calling me stupid or saying I never did anything right for minor issues. (Forgetting to get my last load of laundry out of the dryer, not washing a spoon well enough so it had spotting) She also began to say that me forgetting stuff all the time (still looking into this health wise) was not “cute anymore”. My dad also says I’m not doing enough, but he’s rarely ever home.
She frequently accuses me of lying over things I’m not lying about, and often mocks me if I cry or show emotion.
Recently, she began getting chemo treatment. I expected her to be fairly snippy, but she’s just become a complete nightmare. I don’t say anything like this to her, and I consistently check on her and make her meals.
My friends invited me out, which was a big deal for me as it was a two hour drive for them and I hadn’t seen them in over 2 years. I asked her if I could go and she said she’d figure it out and to go ahead, but to not take too long. I agreed and went.
I went and we did everything, but traffic was ten times worse than we expected. I’m talking stop and go for 10 minutes per light- and there were a lot of lights. She starts getting upset over this, and I understand that, so I tell her we’ll be home soon after we clear the area we’re in.
Suddenly the brake on my friends car completely gives out, so we can’t drive it and we’re stranded in the middle of a city area in a sketchy part of town. We’re a few pretty anxious individuals so we start freaking out pretty bad. I call my stepmom to tell her and instead of being worried she tells me I’m lying and begins to refuse to answer my texts or call me. We wait for my drivers brother to come get us and even after showing her proof of the car on the trailer she remains extreme pissed off on me, and gets my dad into yelling at me For going at all even though she told me I could.
I consider this my last straw even though I love them very much. I’m planning to move and began packing, but she has no other caretakers so I’m completely overwhelmed with guilt. am I the asshole for feeling like I need to leave despite her being sick and needing a caretaker?
NTA she sounds abusive. She is an adult and should look into social services. She is not your responsibility.
Nta. Get out of that situation it’s going to drain you mentally and they can figure it out its not your responsibility to deal with anyone’s abuse and your an adult you don’t even have to tell them until the day of so you don’t have to deal with the guilt bullshit thats inevitably going to happen. Personally I would go no contact because you don’t need that toxicity in your life.
This relationship is a mess. If you feel you need to help her, you need to set some boundaries and a set a regular work schedule which includes time off. NO ONE can work and be on call 24/7. You also do not need to put up with any abuse, verbal or otherwise. NTA for moving out.
NTA. Shouldn’t your dad be her caretaker anyway?
He works 5 days a week, often out of town, to pay for her treatments at all. She is unemployed and I can’t get to work to get a job period as I have no car (though I have offered to walk to a job before to help,), so it’s just his income- this is why I’ve been the only caretaker so far, because he does take care of her when he’s home, but even then she says that he acts annoyed about it and doesn’t like to ask him.
Your dad is the one who took a vow to take care of her when he married her, not you. She is abusive to you. She is not your responsibility. They are taking advantage of you.
They can take care of this themselves. Do not let them gaslight you into believing her cancer is your responsibility in any way. Do not let them try to berate you for leaving, or listen to them when they try to tell you she’s getting sicker and it’s your fault(because I can already tell that’s the direction this will go) – it has nothing to do with you. YOU did not marry her. YOU are not her caretaker. YOU are not responsible for doing what her husband should be doing. Get out of there, and do not let them reel you back in.
If she wanted your help she’d be appreciative and treat you better. Let your dad worry about his wife. You need to figure out your future.
NAH
chemo is stressful. She probably doesnt want to live with you either.
she is probably stressed and scared about the cancer and acting badly. she has treated you unkindly repeatedly. i personally would be looking into moving out.
talk to your dad. “she lies about my behavior. and i feel she treats me unkindly and does not want me living here. i am looking into moving out, as i feel that would probably be the best for me,
i hesitate because i understand she needs caretaking, but she does not like me, and i respect that.
2 options: she treats me better, or i leave”
I don’t know her cancer or chemo regime, but quite a few of my friends had to go through treatments alone, or as single parents.
There are phone numbers for on-call medical advice if she needs it.
I lived alone and went through 16 weeks of double dose chemo, then 6 weeks of M-F radiation.
Your Dad is home after work, she’ll be fine.
NTA
NTA. What a nightmare situation! Don’t feel guilty, just move. She’s abusive and your dad is no help. It doesn’t matter if she’s getting chemo. People with cancer can still be assholes, and cancer doesn’t give anyone a pass to treat people like shit. You are doing her a massive favor by taking care of her, but she doesn’t appreciate it. Stop giving your energy and care to her and protect your own peace. The only way you are going to get out of this horrible situation is by moving out.
NTA with some caveats.
Is she *completely* disrespecting you? Not *really*, but she is being a bit unreasonable.
You are 19. You shouldn’t need *permission* from your stepmom to see friends. That’s a bit weird.
Spots on a spoon isn’t the end of the world. Forgetting things is not the end of the world. It really does sound like you might have ADHD or something. Look into that.
Her accusing you of lying is a bit extreme. Has she never been young with friends with bad cars? Also this could have easily been cleared up with a FaceTime.
It sounds like she is scared and stressed out and taking it out on you, which is not *fair* but is *understandable* considering her circumstances.
I really do think it would be in everyone’s best interest if you do move out. It will be tough but you’ll be much happier and she can focus on her recovery.
NTA
1. You have described her as unkind
2. She is not your mom
3. If she was not sick and didn’t need care, she would have pushed you out of the house
4. Her husband, your father is not there to help. Why should you pick up the slack?
5. You are 19, live your own life. She is not your responsibility
I can’t think of 1 reason why you should stay. Screw her..
You’re 19. An adult. Why are you asking permission for anything?
NTA. Being sick and disrespectful to a caregiver is not an excuse. Protect your peace and move on.