Hello, I wanted to ask about something that has caused friction between my wife and I. We have two daughters, aged 14 and 7. We immigrated from my home country when my oldest was 1.
Last year my cousin’s son moved here from our home country for his undergrad. He had spent the first few months in a university dorm studying. He was supposed to have secured a co-op (internship) during that time for the winter. However, due to the terrible job market he hasn’t of yet (he’s still applying I can see him on his laptop trying), in fact he told me many students in his class are in this position.
I was very close to my cousin growing up. We were the youngest two amongst all the other cousins so naturally we were very close. Before the holidays when she explained his predicament to me and asked if he could stay with us, I had said yes. My wife was on board with it too at the time. He’s a very respectful kid, keeps to himself, I get the feeling he tries to make himself scarce which I’ve asked him not to. And it had been going fine.
He’s into his third week over here and the job hunt hasn’t yielded results. Last night my wife asked what we were going to do about him. I said we’ll support him till he secures a co-op and she said I need to start showing him rentals and setting some sort of deadline. I told her that was a cruel thing to suggest, he’s in a new city, he’s struggling to get a co-op which means his finances are stretched thin as it is, and that we had both agreed to this when my cousin had first asked. That disrupting him while he’s on the job hunt would simply hurt his chances of getting one. She seemed stung on that and said I need to think of the fact I have a 14 year old daughter in the house, I got a bit heated too and said that he keeps to himself, is respectful, and she was just creating reasons when there weren’t one. She’s been cold with me all day today. I’m trying to do the best for everyone here. AITA?
NTA, what does having a 14-year-old girl in the house have to do with anything? What would happen if you had a son living with you? Would she have the same worry? If the co-op market isn’t there, what is he supposed to do? She agreed to it.
Did you have a timeline on when he had to be out before he moved in? If his money is stretched thin, I am assuming he helps out with bills at least a little. Does he help out around the house? I could maybe guess that she might be a little frustrated if he doesn’t help out, which I can understand, but it sounds like she is more concerned about an older boy living so close to her daughter.
We had agreed to host him till he gets his co-op. I think she might have under estimated how bad the market is right now.
He does his dishes after eating or at least volunteers to (we just tell him to leave it usually), and makes his bed in the morning.
I think you need to confront her as to what see meant by bringing up your daughter. Does she feel he is going to SA her or something.
That’s fewer chores than I did when I was 8. He can definitely be helping out around the house more at a minimum.
This sounds like your wife and kids had only agreed to TEMPORARILY house a somewhat distant family member (quite possibly a stranger to your wife and kids?), but now it’s becoming more and more evident that the arrangement is now assumed to be indefinite. It doesn’t sound like you even bothered to offer reassurance that there was indeed a limit to how long your family was expected to host this person. It also doesn’t sound like you provided any assurance to your wife that you would always put your families needs before yours or anyone else’s
The reasons your wife and kids may prefer he doesn’t live there for an extended period is far less important than the fact that they are becoming uncomfortable with the current situation and this will continue to degrade their sense of home and your entire family dynamic.
You shouldn’t be “trying to do the best for everyone” because your three immediate family members should take top priority, only then should you be considering what resources you are able to provide to your cousins child.
He should be doing far more chores than that. He’s an adult living in your home for free. He should be doing most of the house chores.
What, that’s all he does? So who’s doing all of his other chores?
You essentially gained a 3rd kid, of course that’s a burden on your household. I also wouldn’t fully feel comfortable with random relatives living with me. Do you want to keep your family uncomfortable?
NTA your nephew is putting the effort into finding a job and explained the situation. The job market is tough and finding a job is extremely hard right now. Your wife needs to understand it isn’t easy to find a job in this current job market and even if he does find one he STILL would need paystubs and stable income before he can secure a place.
Did she elaborate on why she’s concerned about your 14 year old daughter? If he ISN’T bothering her OR doing disgusting things to her then I don’t see what the issue is?
To elaborate it doesn’t sound like your nephew is a dead beat who just stays in his room all day playing video games and not contribute anything he sounds like a well rounded individual trying to build a life where he’s at and needs a bit of help and support while he struggles to do so.
Info: Was she “on board with” him moving in? Or did she acquiesce after you had already told him he could?
Follow up: Did you present this as a few week thing, but now changed it up to “we will support him indefinitely”
INFO is the nephew legally allowed to work while he’s in whatever country you’re in?. How does your wife expect him to pay rent if she wants him to move out? Has your nephew done anything remotely inappropriate towards your daughter? If she’s just saying he needs to move out because no man should be trusted around a 14-year-old girl then she’s TA.
Yes, he’s allowed to work, it’s part of his school program. He hasn’t done anything remotely inappropriate, no.
NTA
Three weeks is not long and he’s 17. Your wife might hope others are kinder to her children than she is being to this teenager.
Can you help him with internship search ? Ask around your own connections etc?
It is worth asking him and his parents what he is considering if he cannot secure an internship. Think about how long it’s reasonable for your family to host him.
NTA Your nephew can’t exactly rent out an apartment if he doesn’t have the money to do so. Getting him a co-op/job AND THEN talking to him about moving out is the obvious solution that your wife isn’t reaching for some reason. Also I hope I’m wrong about this, but is her bringing up your daughter like that implying your nephew might SA your daughter if he stays in the house??? Because that’s the only reason I can think of for her bringing it up which is absolutely disgusting.