I’m autistic, and in the past, I’ve been made to feel like my emotions are a burden, so when something bothers me, I bottle it up. It makes me irritable, so I can get easily frustrated at minor inconveniences, like computer problems. I only yell in private unless I’m having a meltdown, I have NEVER yelled at my roommate, and it’s been years since I’ve yelled at anyone who wasn’t my sibling. Nonetheless, I inadvertently triggered his ptsd. (He told me his ptsd is friend-related, but nothing else).
My roommate/ex-friend didn’t tell me my yelling bothered him, but I started noticing that his behavior changed around me. He was cold, we never hung out or talked anymore, and when we did talk, he came off as rude. His excuse was that he’s just a blunt person since he’s also autistic, but this wasn’t normal bluntness from him. His new attitude caused me *severe* anxiety, and I didn’t know how to approach the problem because I didn’t want to project it onto him. I tried to quietly spend more time with him by watching TV with him and his other friends. He only ever left his room when he had friends over, and I was afraid to invade his space by knocking. I asked how he felt about me joining them, and he said it didn’t bother him, which was a lie.
Eventually, I talked to a student support coordinator at my college, and they helped compose a text message addressing my anxieties about our friendship. He said he was just stressed from school and an upcoming surgery and would talk about it when he was ready. I gave him space, and he told me the truth several days later. He said he didn’t talk to me about it right away because he didn’t think it was safe, and apparently, neither did his friends. It’s not an excuse, but most of my family is heavily abusive. Arguments and yelling are normalized in my household. His family apparently never argues, and he’s never fought with his brother, where I’ve gotten into screaming matches and all-out fist fights with my sibling. Which isn’t okay, but we’ve chilled out a lot since we became adults. I was firm with him because I wanted to express my frustrations with his lack of proper communication. He never addressed my feelings, he made short replies and only actually addressed what I said to deny my accusation that he had poor communication.
We didn’t have a full discussion over text because I wanted to address it in person, so he and I (mostly me) planned out a time to have the RA over to moderate. My roommate also brought a friend for emotional support. I wasn’t ready for it. Right before the RA showed up, I was an anxious mess on the verge of a panic attack. I was legitimately terrified of what might happen. It went horribly. I tried to start small, addressing the little things that bothered me, but he completely shut me down and went off about how much worse he had it because of my yelling. He also claimed that we were never friends, just acquaintances. I ended up having a meltdown and running away. We haven’t talked since.
YTA. He doesn’t owe you an explanation or validating your feelings. Stop seeking it from him he’s your roommate not your partner.
Also, being autistic doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to yell over a computer. Learn to control your behavior when living with and being around others.
I’d be scared too if the person I’m living with had uncontrollable angry outbursts.
Just be composed and respectful from here out and the semester will be over soon enough
YTA. Just because you are autistic doesnt mean you have to create an unsafe living space for other people. This is beyond dysregulation as you confess you do this deliberately without thinking of actually finding ways to cope. Screaming and yelling isnt coping.
YTA- it’s ok to not be ok, it’s not ok to make that anyone else’s problem.
Screaming and yelling is not coping and you need to seek therapy for coping skills to get that under control. Screaming and Yelling is also not “normalized” because your entire family does it. You left your home growing up, you were out in the world with others who do no such thing, you know it’s now “normal” to express rage or frustration that way.
If you don’t want to work on this, it’s simple, get your own space and don’t have roommates
INFO Did you stop yelling after your roommate told you it bothered him?
Yes. I started going on walks instead.
Okay, soft YTA.
You weren’t upsetting your roommate on purpose, just behaving in a way that was normalised in your house growing up. And when you knew better, you did better.
I’m autistic and so is my dad so I grew up around him having screaming bouts of rage which he would excuse as “it’s unhealthy to hold my anger in”. No matter how many times we told him how upsetting and dysregulating it was for us to have to listen to random temper tantrums over life’s minor inconveniences we couldn’t do anything about, he would just say “well, my therapist says I have to let it out somehow” in an extremely condescending tone.
He was an asshole. It sounds like you’re at least trying, but I’d be careful about suggesting that it’s normal or okay to behave this way just because everyone in your family does or that it’s upsetting to your roommate only because they have PTSD. It would be upsetting to anyone and the burden is on you to find better coping mechanisms.
I understand where you’re coming from, but I feel like you’re fixating a lot on a roommate relationship and letting it interfere with your peace of mind. He doesn’t have to be friends with you if he doesn’t want to and doesn’t own you an explanation or to be dragged into a mediation with the RA. Just leave him alone if he doesn’t want to spend time with you and focus on finding other people who do. I barely spoke a word to my college roommates – we just had different interests – and it was fine. I met people through classes and clubs that I had more in common with.
Also, it took a lot for him to open up to you and tell you how he was feeling. That was not the time to “express your frustrations with his lack of proper communication”. Talking about trauma is hard and he was expecting a sympathetic ear, not to be lectured. It reminds me of when I came out about my autism diagnosis to my brother (he was the second person and I was shaking with stress) and he chose that moment to pile on about every thing I’d ever done to upset him.
So that bit earned the soft YTA from me.
Mostly your intentions are good. Just keep working at it and leave this particular roommate alone until he decides he wants to mend fences.
I just wanted to ammend what I left out. He was my friend before he was my roommate, we hung out a lot before. At the time of the conflict, he was my only friend, so I was projecting a lot onto him.
YTA. I sympathize with your struggles, but those are things you need yo he getting help with and finding coping strategies for, not dumping them on everyone around you and expecting them to accept it. Living with someone who yells, even if it is not directed at you, can be very stressful and can make the living space feel unsafe. Your roommate should not have to tolerate that.
YTA. If you know your triggers, it’s time you found healthy ways to manage your responses to them; what you’re doing now doesn’t seem to be working.
If you yelled a few words at your computer once or twice, okay, you and roomie have a convo. But it sounds like this was a regular occurrence and lasted longer than the “goddamnit” one would yell when dealing with a computer issue.
Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine youre sitting quietly it your room studying or talking with a friend when all of a sudden you hear someone rage screaming. You don’t know where it’s coming from at first, so now you’re scared. As you walk out of your room you can hear that it’s coming from your roommates bedroom. Would you go up to the door to knock? Or would those good ol’ fight, flight, freeze reactions send off alarm bells to stay the hell away?
I, personally, would stay away. Because of my own trauma, I wouldn’t be able to live in a space with someone who rage screams, even at a computer. It sounds like it’s time for one of you to find another room. I’m surprised that wasnt the outcome after your meeting with the RA. They should have reported it to Their boss. For the sake of your roommate, Hopefully this will be resolved soon.
Good lord I can’t believe you typed all this out and still don’t get it. You’ve made your roommate’s home a nightmare and you’re upset because that somehow hurts your feelings? I hope he is able to get a transfer so he can be safe, and you need to live alone until you learn to not abuse the people around you. YTA
It’s never right to yell within hearing distance of anyone because it interrupts their train of thought, makes them go into fight or flight mode while their mind analyzes the danger, and it imposes YOUR mood on the person who can hear, which is self-centered, dominating, and inconsiderate. So, yes, YTA.
YTA
I have a whole bunch of links here that may be helpful for you, from another neurodivergent person, about communication, dysregulation and managing emotions
https://www.reddit.com/u/Deflated_Hypnotist/s/BOp4Y9uQVh