SO of over 10 years and I are moving. The other day he came to me and said he found a couple of places he’d already reached out to.
He showed me where they were, what they looked like and they fit him perfectly but they’re anywhere between $1,100-$1,500 over what we’re paying now.
He pays the rent and utilities and I pay for all the household, groceries, pet stuff, our toiletries and incidentals. He makes over double what I do, almost triple. I’ve mentioned several times I want to get a second job but he kept saying it would be more headache for him than it would be worth. We have one car, he drives.
For groceries a lot of the time I’ll use Shipt/Target because of the same day pricing and lack of fee gouging but I’ll use IC too if I need to. Every once in a while he’ll get a burr and tell me no more and that we need to doin store shopping then he gets frustrated with that and tell me to do orders instead.
So when the subject of the monthly increase came up he got really mad and the bottom line of what he said was "Because he has money left, so should I and I need to stop doing the orders." Which I agree to a point it can get costly and I’m trying to watch the stuff I buy.
Where’s the asshole? Me, he’s so mad at me that I brought up money when he pays for the rent and utilities and has money left if he isn’t working on big projects. I’m upset that he didn’t even say "Hey, what do you think about X city or X budget.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I not be upset myself and apologize? My friends think I should have a say but he’s right he makes more so he pays more. Once in while he’ll send me money for the stuff I bought for him/us.
I need help, he’s been mad off and on all week and at first I thought I was I right but I’m seriously doubting that now.
EDIT: I realize my post was too vague, he browses Reddit and getting a consensus from strangers he wouldn’t agree with. **For those downvoting this, if it’s because ITHA please label me as such! If it’s because you don’t believe me, I can provide plenty of proof to MODs.**
What I said to him was I asked if we could go a little lower on the rent cost – Because I make less but take care of everything outside of utilities, I’ll ask him for money here and there to cover the gap until my next payday if I need to get my hair cut or what have you.
Like if it’s my account that ordered dinner and breakfast a few days in a row I’ll ask him to cover a couple of those instances.
That’s where the "If I pay this and you only cover this you should have plenty of money left over to cover what you want." He said that that it’s the same day orders making me go broke. That if I don’t do that anymore I would be able to cover the house and my wants with the increase.
Part of me is upset because we didn’t have a convo, he just picked the place and the budget. BUT he’s right, he makes more, he pays the rent literally he gets the say. I don’t.
INFO: What exactly did you say to him about the price increase? Why would he care where you get groceries when Target delivery is free? I’m very confused on the details here. Does he not take into account the gas/time cost of going in-store for groceries? IMO buying groceries online is moot and you probably save more by not impulse buying in the store.
Regardless I don’t understand why he’s mad if he’s paying the rent, like are you saying he wants you to pay the extra rent?
How old are both of you?
There’s a lot to take in with it being vague. Are there frequent stresses about money and how the household is being split?
Are the places to move accessible to transit & your work? Or is there not frequent service/ it’s harder to run errands?
It seems like there’s decisions being made without having a discussion about things, where there’s not many options/ choices that you have a say in.
Do you not share finances? Why not? How does he get a say in whether you have a second job or not if you don’t share finances?
It shouldn’t matter who pays, both of you should have a say in where you live.
It’s interesting that there is an implication here that because he pays rent, he decides how much rent should be, but for some reason when you pay for groceries you don’t get to decide whether to go to the store or order delivery. It’s inconsistent. Either the person paying decides, or youre a team and you decide together.
How do you plan for retirement? If his money is his money and your money is your money, does that means he’s got a 401k and a future and you don’t?
This is why staying together for 10 years but not getting married and merging finances is weird. You should have a say in where you live if you’re partners. But how can you be partners if finances are separate?
This has all been over the last 2 years or so, wasn’t always like this. It used to be a collab effort regardless of what it was we split 50/50. We were engaged, not now (not my choice).
I don’t want him to supplement my income his view is my stress is his stress and a second job would be stressful if it’s not remote work. I really don’t know how things got here and I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I don’t know if I need to push against and go my own way or if I’m the asshole and need to understand and respect his actions and reactions because he’s mad because of me.
What do you mean when you say, “he’s mad because of me”?
If you’ve split things up such that groceries are your domain, you decide how to get them. If he chooses to get mad, that’s on him. If you got the groceries you both wanted in a timely fashion, it’s kind of none of his business how you did it if you’re paying for it and your finances aren’t shared. Does he get mad about how you wipe your butt in the toilet, too? Like just bc he’s mad about something you did doesn’t mean it’s your fault he’s mad, you know?
If your finances are separate and he pays rent then sure, he gets to decide what the *budget* should be for rent (as long as it high enough to find a reasonable place) but you both should still get a say in where you live because it’s still both of your home. Just like I assume he gets a say in what groceries you buy for him even though that’s your job, right? Like you’re not getting to dictate what he eats even though you’re the one paying for it?
Are you living a lifestyle compatible with your income or his?
Why aren’t you engaged anymore?
NTA
Partners make big decisions, which includes financial decisions, *together*. Unless a specific agreement is in place. Partners should also be able to talk things through without becoming weirdly passive aggressive or be punished for bringing up concerns.
This biggest issue is:
>I’m upset that he didn’t even say “Hey, what do you think about X city or X budget.
Any sane person would be upset at their partner for unilaterally planning a move without their knowledge or consent. Imagine years from now with kids and what, dad just moves you across the country without so much as a “hey babe?” I would *leave* a relationship for that presumption alone. The red flags with that are pretty concerning.
If he has money left at the end of the month, you should too. It sounds like maybe a 70/30 split would more accurately represent the difference in your incomes? In any case, you’re being used. Time to put your foot down and insist on being treated as a contributing partner. If he disagrees, leave him and find someone who’s willing to work with a more equitable sharing of finances.
Sounds like you guys need a budget that you both contribute fairly to based on your incomes.
If you need a money counsellor to get that done, it would be a good investment.
Being able to communicate about your finances is important. I wonder if you could find a safe and loving way to sit down occasionally and have a conversation about this. Maybe a good first step is to just ask him if that would be something he’s open to and what would feel good to him.
I think that where you both live should also be a shared decision because you both have to live there regardless of who’s paying unless you’re in a sort of casual relationship and you’re OK with it ending
It is not okay, whatsoever, that he unilaterally decided where you are going to live. It does not matter one bit that he makes more. That doesnt give him the right to dictate where you live.
You’re right to be concerned about the finances. It sounds like youre not even making ends meet, while he has extra money every month. And you can’t even afford a haircut.
You don’t have a vehicle. He won’t let you get another job. He let’s you be dirt poor while he has savings. He dictates where you live.
And with the increased rent, he’s only going to become more stingy (i.e. financially abusive). He will make you cut even more corners to supplement his choice of an expensive apartment.
And you think YOU’RE possibly the AH because you want a say in where you live?! And where you grocery shop? (Of course youre going to order groceries for delivery, when you don’t have a vehicle.)
This isn’t even close to a partnership. Its a dictatorship. You need to seriously rethink this relationship.
NTA to expect moving to be a two-person decision in a relationship.
You are in a vulnerable financial situation with a person who broke an engagement with you. Have you two sat down and worked out a budget together? Would you have to quit your job to move? That will make you even more vulnerable. Plus generally higher rent means an overall HCOL, so your grocery bill is going to go up, not down.
I would be looking for a city with
– a job (can you transfer? Start applying?)
– good public transit
– lower cost of living, not higher
– affordable rent in case you need to move out on your own
He is angry you want a choice of where you live. He is angry you want a second job. He is angry you have to have the groceries delivered but he won’t take you to the store. He is angry you spend your money. He is angry you try to save your money. And he decided he never wants to be married.
Why do you want to stay with this person who does not value you? They are angry and taking it out on you. They do not include you in things that directly involve you. They dictate what you should be feeling. They don’t want solutions. They don’t want to work on their issues or the relationship. They want an excuse to treat you like shit.
You need out. You need to be single till you figure out why you tolerated this bullshit for two years. You need to learn financial literacy. And you need to actually value yourself before others because you have to live in your body and your head 24 hours a day. You need to stop allowing yourself to be made responsible for other people’s emotions, thoughts, and actions. You need out and you need out now.
I think you need to make a budget and make sure costs are split at least proportionately.