I (23F) went out to lunch recently with my sister (24F), "Casey," and we were discussing an upcoming sibling trip. I made a joking comment along the lines of, "Maybe you should cover my plane ticket, since you’ve never paid for a single time we’ve gone out to eat," and she got pissed.
For context, Casey truly has never paid for food during an outing. She never reciprocates when someone buys her something "just because." She never offers favors, never offers to help when someone says they’re in crisis, and only runs errands for people when she’ll get flak for not doing so. She asked me to use my food stamps on her groceries while I was homeless (she’s been living rent-free with our dad), saying she was broke, and it took me years to pry it out of her that she had never dropped below $600 in her bank account at the time, while I was close to penniless. She’s just always been this way.
After my joke, she went off on me for how "bitter" and "money-minded" I’ve been lately. I told her I’m not money-minded, she’s just never offered to reciprocate when someone else has spent money on her. She angrily replied that my actions were voluntary and that I was being transactional for expecting her to do something for me in return.
I tried to explain to her that normal people *want* to do something kind when someone does kind things for them, and she said she was just being shrewd with money because she’s saving for a big purchase. I reminded her that I also have big purchases to make, and so does our brother (who also spends considerable amounts of money on her), but we somehow make time for her and set money aside for her birthdays and Christmas presents. She once again hit me with the "that’s all voluntary" thing, so I snapped, "Yeah, and the fact that *you* won’t do any of that ‘voluntarily’ makes you a cheap-ass. *Everyone* in this family thinks you’re greedy as fuck and you only think about yourself!"
We left after that. The conversation continued over text, and it was basically the same. She told me I was "toxic" and that she was done "proving herself to this family" when I think she’s done nothing to prove that she so much as thinks about other people. I aired some older grievances out, which I honestly should not have done (they were irrelevant), and she left me on read.
She called our brother and told him to cancel the trip, which is when I started feeling shitty about this. He told me I shouldn’t have brought all this up, that money isn’t worth fighting over, and that I should apologize to get her to still go with us. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if by making my comment on her supposed greediness an "everyone thinks you are" comment instead of an "I" statement, I really hurt her feelings. Everyone in the family *has* commented on her lack of consideration for others, but she didn’t need to know that. I didn’t mean to vent all that during lunch.
Was it fair to bring all that up, or am I being an asshole and making it about money?
Yta for pretending that you were joking
If you have something to say then say it
NTA she rules the relationship and doesnt want to look in the mirror but she needs to. She took your money when you were close to homeless and didnt actually need it? Thats not a sister.
Facts!! She’s literally your older sister and is massively taking advantage of you and knows that you won’t say no because to you she’s your sister, but to her you’re just someone to use.
I actually was homeless at the time. I was 18 and going couch to couch with friends. I think she figured that because I had fewer restrictions (being on my own), I could work more, and didn’t need my stamps as much…?
How’d you get food stamps when you were 18 by yourself and homeless?
I live in a state with pretty decent welfare, and I had certification from my high school that I was unaccompanied, unhoused, and working while still in school.
That’s how it works for my state too. Food benefits are given to those who need it most like the homeless and broke.
If it bothers you then yes, you should have brought it up because you’ll end up spending money on her on the trip and feel even more resentment. Just stop spending money on her in the future. NTA
That’s what I should’ve done, yeah. She does this thing where, when she wants something, she’ll talk about how she never spends money on herself and would *love* to have/do X, but she’s saving for that big thing she wants… and I get it for her, because I’m a sucker.
YTA for how you said it. There were definitely nicer ways to bring it up. But also… just stop spending money on her. She seems to take it all for granted
Sometimes hard truths need to be said
NTA. You bro said money isn’t worth fighting over, yet your sister is doing just that. Does he normally take her side?
Her reaction to your comments is very telling. A non selfish person would feel bad about it and not try to gaslight you about it. Google DARVO. It’s what manipulative people do, and she was doing it to you.
The only AH thing you might have done was the passive aggressive joke about her not paying. Just tell her straight up. And the next time she asks you to pay, just say you can’t because you’re saving up for something private.
NTA
If that’s how you feel, lay it out and don’t indulge in regrets or let others guilt you into something you don’t want. She’s had her way for so long that it had to be a shock, but you need to be honest. I wouldn’t apologize, but leave the door open for further dialog (perhaps less heated and more about your feelings). And don’t pick up the check anymore.
You know your “joking” comment was never meant to be a joke.
Trying to pass off something you mean as a “joke” almost always just comes off as passive aggressive. And yes, adding “everyone thinks you are greedy” is OF COURSE hurtful, as opposed to a conversation along the lines of “I am frustrated with the way we split things financially.”