Hi I (24F) renting a flat with my friend of 5 years (23F) for a year now. My ex used to live with us but well.. he is an ex now.
I don’t know how to cook so while three of us were living together my ex or my friend would cook for me and sometimes i would do the dishes or pay my ex to do the dishes because i absolutely HATE doing them.
After my ex moved out we decided that since she was cooking, doing the dishes should be my responsibility and i actually tried to trade it with mopping and vacuuming but she said that she didn’t wanna spend her whole day in the kitchen so i agreed reluctantly but right before the school started i got a breast reduction surgery so using my arms too much was not advised for 1-2 months. So we decided to do them together during that time. But later she got some kind of skin disease in her palm and she said doctor told her not to touch chemicals. So we bought plastic cups and plates to use and throw away.
After i recovered enough to do them by myself i remembered how much i hated it but pushed through it. But after a while i realised she was sometimes cooking meals for only herself and drinking coffee with multiple different mugs a day (i barely use mugs honestly i just drink from the bottle and i don’t like neither coffee nor tea) and washing those started to piss me off. She was not even rinsing them so i was there scrubbing stains of her coffee mugs or disgusting dried up food. And one day i told her that "i don’t wanna wash the dishes of meals i didn’t eat" and she said "okay" and honestly this was a huge relief for me.
But after a day she came to me like "i want to talk to you about something" and it was "it’s bugging me that you decided to not wash a pan and my 2 mugs(there were 4 mugs all her personal mugs that i don’t even go near)" and i said "washing dishes that has nothing to do with me is bugging me" and she went on about how it’s basically the same thing as not cleening other’s mess while tiding things up around the house and how stupid that is (now that I’m thinking yeah we don’t clean the other’s mess? Like wtf was she talking about) and since that she can feed herself she doesn’t need to cook for 2, at this point i was tried of this whole conversation so i said "yk what? Don’t cook for me anymore, i don’t want it" and she said "that’s fine with me" but i can feel she was mad about this whole thing.
You probably wondering did her palm even heal? No. But i do the dishes with gloves on and no water comes in so can she.
Am i at the wrong here? I’m genuinely asking because this is my first time living with somebody other than my family and i feel like i don’t get some stuff. AITA?
You’re NTA, she’s a grown up, not a child. She should clean after herself.
I think your problem is that you are 24 and don’t know how to cook. Like, what? And asking other people to do it for you instead of, y’know, learning to.
If you can read you can cook.
First thing is i can cook basic things (like pasta, eggs, creps, cakes) why i didn’t learn more stuff to cook? Idk i never needed to cook for myself. If i read a recipe I’m sure i can do it but never interested me honestly. The second thing is, i never asked anyone to cook for me. The conversion goes like this
-idk how to cook
+okay I will be cooking stuff for myself so i will just make more
-sure
And cost of everything is shared.
Cooking is a life skill.
NTA for not wanting to clean up her mess, but you should have had this conversation with her, like an adult.
You’re both adults. Learn how to cook and take responsibility and grow up.
Everyone needs to do chores in their own home unless you want to live in a pigsty.
I mean if she’s cooking for you, you should at least clean up. I’m married and that’s what we do, my husband even has a job and if I cook he’ll wash, if he cooks I’ll wash…
Well yeah ofc this is what we been doing like i said in the post, again i just don’t want to wash her personal meal and drinks dishes
But she was cleaning up after the meal. She shouldn’t have to do her roommates dishes throughout the day
She can cook and clean for herself… and so can you.
It sounds like you already have separate dishes, make sure you clean your own as you use them, anything else left will be hers. However, it’s a good idea for you to start learning to make your own meals as well. Even if it’s just salad and sandwiches or toast.
Your flatmate shouldn’t be cooking your meals. There’s likely a reason why she started using extra dishes and cooking mostly for herself – and that would revolve around you being an adult and needing to learn to feed yourself.
So, NTA for refusing to do her dishes if she isn’t keeping to the previous arrangement. However, ESH for you refusing to learn to cook and her refusing to keep to the original arrangement and being passive aggressive about a situation she clearly is unhappy with rather than communicating the issue.
OP, I find your question and post interesting because there is more to consider than just whether you should or shouldn’t clean things that are completely unrelated to any cooking that you benefit from.
1. When you offered to do other chores in exchange for her cooking and cleaning dishes, I thought that was a reasonable offer. But when she responded that she didn’t want to spend all her time in the kitchen, I felt that was fair, too.
2. When you couldn’t use your arms so much, you two agreed and found a way to resolve things amicably.
3. I thought it was reasonable that you really didn’t want to have clean things that (1) had nothing to do with the cooking she did for you and (2) were not even soaked to make it easier clean.
4. Then I wondered how you two handle grocery shopping. If she is meal planning and cooking, does she also do all the grocery shopping? (which also led me to wonder if you split groceries down the middle of split shared groceries and then buy things that you each enjoy solo). What mattered here was whether your roommate was carrying additional food-related responsibilities (meal planning and grocery shopping). If so, it would be appropriate for you to take that into account when you consider how you trade of responsibilities with her.
5. You two have a bit of a track record of being able to resolve things (starting when the ex was also there but continuing into this time with just two of you). I think you should approach her and ask to do a reset on the issue of cooking and cleaning dishes (and meal planning and grocery shopping). And share that you hope the two of you can resolve things so that both of you are happy.
6. If you both agree that the best resolution is you each taking care of your own food needs, then agree that this is what you both think is best and carry no hard feelings.
7. If you want to consider finding a way to make the split chores work, then agree to try to solve each other’s concerns. Examples: (1) She can acknowledge that you don’t want to have to clean stuff that had nothing to do with you and is left in a state that adds to the cleaning task. She can agree to at least put water in her mugs so that stains don’t set and put water on her plates/silverware so that food comes off easily. (2) If she is carrying the load of related tasks that had not been considered before (e.g., shopping), then you can offer to take on some other chores to offset that. (3) She could agree that your dish cleaning should only be for shared meals. Maybe you also clean the sink or fridge more and she cleans surfaces that get dirty from her cooking – or at least cleans them when the mess is substantial. Whatever seems fair and mutually respectful.
I hope you two can work this out amicably. Even if this hasn’t been perfect, I really don’t think either of you are AHs in general.
YTA. You think you’re unique in not liking doing the dishes?? Suck it up like the rest of us.
YTA she still cooked the entire time she helped with dishes and then when you were using disposables
You’re just being lazy expecting her to do more while you do less