For context I 35F have a 17m old son with my husband 36M. My son breastfeeds(BF) through the night and I handle all the night wakings and majority of naps when we’re home together so our agreement is that I have 1 weekend day where I have a lie in – so 9am start rather than 7am. However I am finding I am cleaning up after their breakfasts as it’s been left and my OH (other half) is playing with my son. Bear in mind we have a toddler tower and our son loves to get involved with what we’re doing. I find I’m doing all the clean up to the point where I don’t have time to eat breakfast or spend much time playing with our son. AITA for stating that he’s not cleaned up yet-2 hours after they’ve eaten? OH has gone defensive and said he was busy with him. However I feel I have to choose between having a couple of hours of sleep vs having breakfast or a shower.
*edit to clarify the abbreviations.
INFO what is an OH and what does your son BF refer to? I couldn’t quite understand the post.
Other half
Breast feeds
Not the OP but OH is other half and I’m assuming BF is breast feeding rather than bottle feeding since the OH could easily do his part for bottle feeding.
Thank you, that helps a lot. I thought BF was boy friend and along with OH, I was struggling to figure how many individuals were being mentioned in this post.
NTA. I’m sure you can spend time with your kid and still tidy up after breakfast. That being said I don’t know why you’re cleaning up, and not just asking him to do it.
Sounds like you have one of those husbands who thinks they babysit when you leave the child when them. First, 9AM is not sleeping in. Give clear expectations and if he doesn’t have enough play time, then he knows exactly what your day looks like. Second, breastfeeding does not mean Dad cannot help. Your child is over a year old and should not be waking up multiple times during the night and if he does, there’s no reason dad can’t warm up some pumped milk. A year and a half is an unhealthy and unsafe length of time for you to be sleepless. You need to stop putting the men in your life first and find solutions that take care of your own physical and mental health.
ESH. A little… He doesn’t sound to be pulling his weight, you are not communicating your needs.
He is prioritising bonding with his child which he might not get to do very much. You are prioritising cleanliness which is important for many reasons. But you guys need to get on the same team. Yes he needs to pitch in more but also maybe you need to let things go, does it really matter if the dishes sit there untill babys nap time?
17m – 17 month
BF – breast feeds
OH – other half
NTA
Have you considered pumping and keeping some breast milk for use with bottle feeding? Maybe have your OH do his part during the night time feeds using that if you don’t want to use formula… though you could probably safely supplement with formula as well if you want / need.
I assume you’re doing most if not all the housework, tidying, cleaning, washing up, on any day of the week…if so, that needs to become something that is shared at least a little.
You are in a partnership, even if you are not “working” taking care of a toddler and the home is work and if your OH can’t clean up after just one breakfast with a toddler around then your OH should know that it’s hard work.
Your OH should be helping you more in this as it shouldn’t all be on you.
NAH
I think it’s a matter of communication and coming to agreement on what exactly are the responsibilities for those hours your husband covers. He probably sees it as his job to care for the toddler, and keep him safe, quiet, and happy, so you can sleep in a little bit. You see it as including breakfast and clean up, and to clarify, an immediate clean up.
Sit down and have a talk about it. One place you might compromise is does the clean up (aside from putting away food in tthe fridge really need to happen right away? Or is there a more simple breakfast option that would require minimal clean up?
Though, I bet YOU regularly both wrangle the kid and other chores. You might want to frame tthe discussion as you’d lije your husband to take on what would normally be your responsibility for two hours, which does include breakfast and clean up.
We are shortening too many words I fear I cannot keep up nowadays.
What’s an OH?
You could choose to eat breakfast & shower, and “assume” your husband is going to clean up. Let him notice it & fix it.
Honestly, why would he notice & act differently if you’re willing to sacrifice your breakfast to do the boring stuff while he gets to play with your son?
Edit: Maybe he was just enjoying the 1:1 time playing with your son, and knew the breakfast clean up could wait.
Maybe he was prioritising keeping the house quiet while you slept, and thought entertaining your son would support your lie-in better.
The other parent is allowed to make different choices, and things go a lot more smoothly when you accept that. You will be the AH if you fall into the trap of thinking your way of being a parent if the only correct way.
Obviously if he never does housework then that needs to be fixed, but for this one occasion as per the post – YTA.