So, for Christmas my wife and I got each other smart watches. I specifically wanted one so that I can run and listen to music without lugging my phone along with me. My wife said she was interested in one herself when I mentioned it, so we got them for each other.
My Mother was with us for Christmas and when she saw them she mentioned that she had my great grandfather and my grandfather’s watches at home which she could give me.
Anyway, today she gave me those watches when I was over at hers. One of them is an antique mechanical watch my great grandfather was given for 40 years of services, it’s engraved and still works which I think is awesome.
So, I bring them home and get them out to show my wife. My wife refuses to look at them. She insists my mother could have given them to me at any time but she’s specifically given them to me now to undermine the smart watch present she gave me.
I think that’s ridiculous. The smart watch and antique dress watches are entirely different. Also, how could my mother undermine the present from my wife to me when I got my wife the same gift…
Anyway I’ve tried to point this out. I’m a bit sad about it because the smart watch is great, but the dress watches are too and totally different. I don’t see how one can undermine the other, why can we just all be happy about two nice things.
NTA I think your wife is being ridiculous. One is a smart watch tool that you both wanted and will use daily, and the other is a family heirloom that you likely will only wear on a special occasion.
NTA Your mom was being thoughtful. She saw your new watch and thought oh, I have his grandfather’s and great grandfather’s watches. Let me give them to him. I don’t know how to make your wife understand this. It’s not a competition.
info: has your mom ever undermined your wife before? how is their relationship?
INFO: What is the relationship like between your wife and your mother? Does your mom have a history of trying to diminish your wife? To be honest- it could be an attempt to “one-up” your wife or it could be as you suggest and just 2 similar gifts. The history and intent likely matters here.
INFO I’d be curious to know what kind of relationship they have. If they have a good relationship then I would say this likely wasn’t done to undermine her but the timing could have been better unless your mother is elderly, forgetful, etc. If they don’t have the best relationship then it is possible that your mother did it intentionally to spoil it for your wife.
INFO: has your wife had problems with your mother like this before? The only thing that could be wrong here is a repeat pattern that your wife is seeing that you aren’t. Other than that, the watches are for completely different occasions (and also so friggin cool!)
I’d compare it to your wife getting you a great pair of running shoes that will support your lifestyle, while your mom got you fancy dress shoes that you might wear at weddings and funerals only.
They don’t compete, despite both being shoes. And a good pair of running shoes may impacts your life daily.
Feels like a weird reaction which tells me there’s more to the story.
We are told this by the author below in the comments… *”My Mum moved to where we are about a year ago. My wife really wanted her to. Before then my wife loved my Mum. But, I feel in the last year my wife’s opinion of my Mum has soured and it really feels like my Mum can do no right in my wife’s eyes.”* He mentions that his wife sees issues with her behavior and he doesn’t.
This is a very common theme in the MIL reddit threads. MIL, from a distance, is well and good and then when around all the time, the mask comes off and passive aggressive conduct with a smile on the face kicks in. While the oblivious son and husband completely falls for the nice act.
Info – is this the first time something like this happened? Is your mom always trying to one up your wife. It does seem a bit odd she had the watches and always planned to give them to you but only remembered when you showed her the watch your wife got you
Edit after reading one of your comments – yes YTA your wife feels your mum has been undermining her and pulling stuff regularly. She used to get on until your mom moved very close to you – which your wife supported. Now there’s an issue sonds like mom did imfact only give the watches to you to one up wife’s gift
I can’t say without knowing more about the wife/MIL dynamic. It could be innocent. After all, many people own more than one watch. Many wear a smartwatch casually and a nice watch for dressing up. So the antiques doesn’t necessarily replace the new. But maybe there’s history there that suggests your MIL does indeed try to upstage your wife? The only way to know is to talk to your wife
Note: if there is tension between the two, be careful not to dismiss your wife’s feelings just because “Well, *I’ve* never seen any such thing…” or “My mother would *never*….” A lot can pass below your radar.
Info: your mom mentioned the antique watches after she saw your gift from your wife. How exactly did she mention them? Was it in a “oh I have something better” tone?
If your wife were to write this post, would she bring up other events where she felt like your mom undermined her?
It’s very different if this is a one time thing vs if this is part of a pattern.
OP, listen up.
She’s hurt. The question is WHY is this hurting her so much? Sure a lot of people here will 100% be on your team and can go straight to she’s immature or she’s being ridiculous. Maybe but as someone with a MIL who was sweet on the surface but an underminer? I would like to offer the other side perspective.
YOUR Mother Dear could have given YOU those watches at any time instead of when your wife had just given you the smart watch Christmas morning! THINK. Maybe your mom is flaky. Maybe your mom is insensitive. But to offer them IMMEDIATELY after you guys opened up your smart watches? My red flag went up.
YOUR MOM had other options with the watches. Your engagement. Your wedding. Your first job promotion. Your first baby.
I am a MIL and a DIL.
That said, I understand OP’s perspective of let’s all be happy I have two dress up watches from my grandfather but you are also not quite being as sensitive to your wife’s feelings. ie. We gave each other very expensive practical watches and Mama sees that and goes home and decides NOW is the time to hand over her father’s VERY nice watches to me. It’s a perception thing. Can you SEE that?
So I’m voting ESH for Mama and Son. You’re not AH but you two also weren’t super considerate either.
Does your mom have a history of one upping your wife and you ignore it?
I also don’t think your wife is the AH. She’s hurt. Maybe she shouldn’t be but she is.
Why did your mom wait until she SAW this present from your wife and decide CHRISTMAS DAY to tell you she was gifting your the lovely watches and that she would go home and gift you her Daddy’s watches? Can’t you see how that part looks to the rest of us with eyes? If she’s genuinely flakey and forgetful and it was just a clueless, “I have a brilliant idea!” Sure. That’s the generous take. The not so generous take is you’re blind to your mom one upping your wife.
YOU OP need to be on the lookout for times your mother MAY, I’m not saying she does, be one upping your wife. If there’s a history of this? You blatantly ignore it or conveniently don’t see it or excuse it? Then, in the future? You would be the AH and so would she.
I’m reserving judgment but YOU OP need to dig deeper on this.