I have never been big on birthdays, don’t get me wrong I don’t hate them, I just prefer something low-key: dinner with my closest friends, maybe watch a film, something small basically. Everyone close to me knows this, especially my sister, (let’s call her maya) who loves big gestures and believes every birthday or achievement needs balloons and a theme and much much more.
Two weeks before my birthday, Maya started acting strange. She kept asking me if id be “free that Saturday” and acted weirdly when I asked why. I suspected that she was up to something, so I told her AGAIN that I didn’t want a party. She just laughed and said that as per usual I was being no fun.
A couple nights ago (the night before my birthday) one of our mutual friends let it slip about it being a party, she mentioned what she was wearing. Anyway turns out the whole family was invited and it was at our parent’s house. Some co-workers were also invited but here’s the kicker – MY FCKING EX.
For a little context – me and ex broke up about 2 months ago. It ended pretty badly, no abuse or cheating but it wasn’t a pleasant ending. I’ve made it pretty clear to everyone in my life that I want NO contact. Maya knows this, however she’s told me multiple times that I should just get over the whole situation because he’s a nice guy and that he’s been apart of all our lives for years.
The first thing that I did was call maya, demanding answers and she didn’t deny it. She just said that we could finally talk it all out. She admitted that she hadn’t just thrown this party for my birthday but also so everyone could see my ex again and we could fix things between us. She literally said to me that I’d thank her later.
I went mad, I said to her she had no right. That I would have been ambushed into the situation, on MY birthday. And this was all after I had specifically said that I didn’t want a party. She just said that I was dramatic and bloody ungrateful, that she had this whole thing planned because I wouldn’t find better and it was a good gift. She said everyone had gifts and travelled. That everyone was excited.
So yesterday, my birthday, I completely powered off my phone and didn’t let anyone know other than my best friend so we went out for lunch and went on a walk together. Ended up having a great day. When I finally got home I turned my phone on and it was MENTAL. Maya was fuming, people were disappointed, people even said I embarrassed maya.
Maya is now basically saying that I ruined the whole party, and made it all about me (it was literally my birthday). She says that she did it out of a good place in her heart and that I should at least apologise for not showing up and letting people know.
So am I the asshole?
Nta the and you should post on your socials to let the rest of your family and friends know you told her no to do that and she went ahead anyway so they know its her fault not you
NTA. You didn’t skip your birthday, you chose to actually enjoy it. A surprise party that ignores your wishes and invites someone you’re actively avoiding isn’t a gift, it’s a setup
I still don’t understand why the family should have an opinion about the couple. If they broke up, it was for a reason. Nobody has the right to say whether they should get back together or not. Even worse is ambushing you on your birthday.
NTA
you set a reasonable boundary. Well done!
” She says that she did it out of a good place in her heart and that I should at least apologise for not showing up and letting people know.” … YOU have nothing to apologize for. You were not hosting, and you never agreed to come. This is ALL maya’s fault, SHE needs to apologize to HER guests.
OP – absolutely apologize to Maya.
I am so sorry that you don’t have the capability to respect others feelings. That must be so hard for you! You poor thing! I am so sorry for you. It must be so hard for you only thinking of yourself. Hopefully you can learn to do better!
You’re Welcome.
Edit NTA
NTA-But, Maya is right, you did make it about you. Before it was all about HER–her throwing this big party, her mending your relationship with your ex. You robbed her of the opportunity to pat herself on the back! She did it out of a good place in her heart for HER.
I nearly downvoted you, but your explanation is perfect!
How dare you not be grateful that someone hijacked your birthday to turn it into an intervention and force you back into contact with an ex. Is she trying to get you two to date again??
She *should* be embarrassed. She actively tried to ruin your birthday. She tried to turn it into a performance piece with the intention of controlling your life. NTA
NTA is she in love with your ex or something?
NTA
don’t be surprised when Maya and your ex end up dating.
Omg this was exactly my read of the situation.
Yep. She needs to send a group message stating she explicitly said she didn’t want a party and that under no circumstances did she want to see the ex. When she learned of the party she gave her sister a chance to at least uninvited the ex. When that was refused she decided to control the one piece she could, her own attendance. If the family would prefer to keep company with the ex instead of her, that is fine, but they should let her know so she knows which numbers to erase from her phone.
You know it says volumes about this ex that he choose to participate in this party.
Spolier: you’re going to find out your sister is dating your ex any day now.