I’m in my 20s, I live with a roommate Martha, she’s also in her 20s. We split rent and utilities equally and generally get along. We’re not close friends, but we’re friendly and respect each other, at least I thought so.
A few months ago, Martha started working longer hours and asked if I’d be okay covering a couple of shared household tasks, trash, occasional dishes, during the week. I agreed, on the condition that it wouldn’t become permanent and that we’d check in if it felt like too much. Martha agreed.
Over time, though, it did become permanent. I was doing most of the cleaning, taking out trash almost every time, and even replacing shared items like paper towels and dish soap because I was already out. I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t want to be petty, and Martha kept saying work would calm down soon.
Last week, I finally brought it up. I was calm and said I was starting to feel like the balance was off and that I wanted us to go back to splitting things evenly or adjust expenses to reflect the extra work. Martha got defensive and said I was petty and unfair to her and that real adults don’t keep score over chores.
Here’s where things worsen, the next day, Martha asked if I could also start handling grocery runs for both of us since I clearly have more free time. I said no. I explained that I was happy to help occasionally, but I wasn’t comfortable taking on more responsibility without some kind of balance.
Martha told me I was being selfish and unsupportive, especially knowing how stressful her job is. She also told a mutual friend, who said I was technically right but, socially kind of a jerk, for not just helping out.
I’m honestly torn. I don’t think I was rude, and I did help for months, but now I’m wondering if I should’ve just sucked it up.
I’m confused – why would you volunteer to be an unpaid housekeeper for a roommate? I get helping out with one or two tasks in an emergency, but this is way beyond that.
What is she offering to do for you in return for your labour?
NTA
I had no Idea it was going to be a regular request, that’s why I accepted to help at first.
NTA. You are not in a relationship with this person. She needs to work out how to do her chores, or pay you to do them (in the form of her paying more rent/utilities).
Yeah, we’re not even close friends, we’re just friendly, I accepted to help a few times because of how stressful her work was at the time, and she decided to take advantage of it.
NTA, she’s a user and should reconsider her attitude. Good luck.
Absolutely NTA. So she (presumably) profits financially from longer work hours AND gets to offload her chores to you? Hell no. If you’re comfortable with doing the chores, tell her to pay you for your labour. Otherwise, she needs to figure it out herself, like every other working adult
NTA… my partner used to have a roommate named Martha who lets say also tried to push boundaries, im sensing a pattern here..
NTA
So if she lived alone she would live in filth and never get groceries?
I think Marsha believes you two are a couple. That’s the only way it would make sense for you to take on the added responsibility. NTA
NTA: I might consider telling her that I would get the groceries, but that she has to pay for them every time you go for the both of you. You are providing labor; she can provide the financing
NTA. If she really wanted you to do all that she could offered to take on a little bit more of the rent or pay you, or pay someone else to do it.
You’re NTA
>real adults don’t keep score over chores.
That’s the textbook response from everyone who isn’t pulling their weight.
>She also told a mutual friend, who said I was technically right but, socially kind of a jerk, for not just helping out.
Oh, yes, the obligatory entry of the mutual friend who weighs in against the person who is clearly in the right. I’m surprised you weren’t told to keep doing whatever Martha demands so you can “keep the peace.”
Ask this person if he/she would be okay being taken advantage of for so long.
NTA, stop now. She is a roommate not your partner. And an entitled one as well. Go back to 50-50 before it gets worse and don’t do her groceries. Until she can admit that she was wrong and appreciate everything you have done, don’t do it.
If she is a nice person she will see her error. If she us a user you have a tough battle ahead of you.
You aren’t her partner. If Martha has a stressful job, then there are options she has to alleviate some of the domestic stress, such as paying for a cleaner, organising groceries to be delivered, etc. It is not fair for her to push her responsibilities te chores into you. Calling you petty for calmly stating your discomfort is gaslighting.
NTA