I (21NB) have a best friend (22F) who means the world to me. I care about her more than anyone thats not direct family. Now we both go to university together, and we took many courses together because we find it easier to do well/attend when we are together in class.
The semester started about one week ago. So far my friend has attended only one class. She is enrolled in five courses that each are scheduled twice a week, so she has been to a total of 1/10 classes. Now later in the semester skipping usually becomes justifiable as we have other classes to catch up on but we literally just started. I fear she is developing some seriously crappy habits early on and I worry about her.
I want to tell her that shes not setting herself up for success this way and that I dont want to be mean but this is harmful behavior to herself. She usually doesnt skip this much early on and I find this is extremely detrimental to her future.
WIBTA for telling her to take this more seriously?
NTA. You absolutely ought to speak to her, in part because you are probably her back up plan. She may expect you to help her “catch up “ for exams. Try not to speak in a critical manner, instead ask if she’s ok, you are concerned because it is so unlike her to miss so many classes.
I probably would be. We have study sessions together and theyre always a blast. I never mind helping her but it feels like she’s not taking the semester seriously enough this time for me to help her
This might be a space where you can step up as a friend. Instead of judging her or telling her she’s doing something wrong, ask her why she missed those classes. Offer to wake her up or text her if she needs a reminder. See how you can help her. If she keeps skipping and fails out, that’s on her.
Thats what ill try to do. If anything im kind of worried
fwiw I skipped a lot of classes because I was going through a lot of mental issues in college, so something to consider. It might not just be “irresponsibility”.
Im thinking I might just tell her im worried about her instead of “calling her out”, because the truth is I am worried about her rather than actually pissed or annoyed
I think that is a good approach
Caring enough to speak up (kindly) makes you a good friend, not an a\*\*hole.
Just prioritize empathy over “tough love” – university is hard, and sometimes the person who notices something’s wrong and says it gently is the one who helps turn things around.
Y. W. B. T. A. if you told your friend that she is being irresponsible… But it doesn’t sound like that’s actually what you want to do anyway.
You aren’t her parent, you aren’t her teacher, you aren’t in a position of authority over her, so it is not your place to frame it as her being “irresponsible”
But as a friend, it is entirely reasonable to express your concern over another friend’s actions. Something like, “You know you mean the world to me, right? I consider you to be almost family… Which is why I’m confused and concerned that you are missing so many classes so early in the semester. Is something going on? Is there something that maybe I could help you with? ” And then *listen* to what she says
NAH as long as you remember that one of the most powerful parts of friendship is when an imperfect person helps support and comfort another imperfect person. Hopefully, in this case, your support can help get her on a better path… And if not, then you can still be her friend and help support her down the road when she’s finds herself dealing with the consequences of her actions
How you say it matters more than what you say. Express concern, not judgment.
NAH, but be very gentle about it. 5 classes is a huge course load as well. Very much come at it though from a place of love and not judgement or this could go poorly. Ask questions and show concern, but don’t try to push.
You are right, she isn’t setting herself up for success, and it’s fine to be worried about her. However don’t be surprised if she doesn’t listen, and/or gets defensive, and if she does all you can do is let it go. It’s her life, but you’re
NTA.
Have you asked her what’s going on? Before jumping to accusations and judgements and lectures, try listening to her. Why is she doing what she’s doing. YWBTA if you scolded her
You would not be the asshole if *after listening* you expressed your concern and your wish for her success. **Not** your judgment or your morals or her failure.
“*What can I do to help you?*”
~~“You’re not setting herself up for success this way”~~
~~”I dont want to be mean but this is harmful behavior to herself”~~
Both reek of condescension and superiority