I honestly don’t know if I’m being an asshole or if this is just what happens when you live with someone new.
I let a roommate move in and it’s been literally less than a week. The lease is in my name only. Her mom asked if I would add her to the lease and I said no because we hadn’t even lived together yet and I wanted to see if we got along. At the time that felt reasonable. Now I’m even more sure.
There have already been a bunch of issues and none of them are huge on their own but together it’s a lot. She uses my dishes and doesn’t wash them. Even just a spoon. I said I wasn’t super strict about cleaning but I didn’t mean I wanted to clean up after someone else all the time.
She also has a no men rule because of past trauma. I get that, but my best friend of six years is a man and I’m not banning him from my life. I told her I would give her a heads up if he came over but that’s as far as I’m willing to go.
Another thing is she keeps shutting down conversations by yelling that she’s triggered and to change the topic. This has happened more than once. One time she literally brought up a TV show and then did that. Another time I was talking about my day and mentioned a car accident I was in and she did it again. I stop talking but it feels really weird.
At one point I was cleaning the room she’s supposed to be staying in and she rushed past me, locked the door, and left the house. Then later I found a bloody pad and a diaper in the small shared bathroom trash while I was cleaning. That really bothered me but I didn’t even say anything because I was already overwhelmed.
She also doesn’t lock the front door most of the time. That’s a big deal to me. When I brought it up she said she doesn’t mind if I remind her, but I don’t want to have to remind another adult to lock the door.
We had a tense conversation over text at one point and she told me something I did was “terrifying,” even though she wasn’t there when it happened. That really hurt, especially because I had shared some personal mental health stuff with her before and it felt like it was being thrown back at me.
Because of all this I wrote up a basic house agreement. Stuff like locking the door, guests are allowed but give notice, shared spaces need to be put back how you found them, rotating cleaning, and that I’m not acting as a caretaker or reminder system.
I also don’t think I want to add her to the lease when it renews, if we even make it that far.
She is disabled and I know she needs more support than most people, which is why I feel guilty. But at the same time I already feel stressed and uncomfortable in my own home and like I’m being pushed into a caretaker role.
AITA for setting house rules and not wanting to add her to the lease?
Edit: 1) Yes, we were friends before all this went down. As I stated in the post, she brought up the topic that she had been trying to avoid, which is why I was very confused.
2) My specific lease clause allows people to stay here up to 6 months before adding them to the lease. He’s a private owner and is aware of this.
3) This was supposed to be a probationary period, and she’s flunking, HARD
4) I was cleaning the room as a courtesy, kinda like when an owner/property manager does so before move-in.
NTA, they want her on the lease so you CAN’T kick her out but you’re forced to pay when she inevitably doesn’t pay for her share of rent. She’s forcing you to deal with hellish and unsanitary conditions. Not only don’t add her, tell her she has to move out now. She’s neither being a good friend nor a somewhat passable roommate.
Now I’ll be the first to say money isn’t an issue. She pays the bare minimum to stay here, and that’s fine but my issue is I feel like she wants a free caregiver, not a roommate. Thank you for your reassurance
If she pays anything to stay there, then you can’t just kick her out.
NTA – this sounds like a nightmere, i would give her a time to leave. This isnt someone that sees you as an equal in the household
NTA all that in less than a week?
It doesn’t sound like she’s very comfortable living there either. This might be a “it’s not working out, you need to move out” situation, so definitely I wouldn’t add her to the lease.
You never mentioned a disability.
She doesn’t seem disabled she seems spoiled and immature.
NTA and boot her now.
NTA I think but:
1 – Did you even meet her before you had her move in to your place? It seems you are wholly incompatible in the areas that mean the most (rules about cleaning, houseguests, basic conversation topics, etc)
2 – I don’t understand why you were cleaning a room she was ‘supposed to be staying in’…like her bedroom? And if so why does it bother you there is something in the garbage? Should she have disposed of her bathroom products in another place or was it that she didn’t adequately wrap/conceal them in a shared place? This shouldn’t be a huge deal but should be maybe gently addressed…I can’t imagine that will happen often
If you don’t do your due diligence before having someone move in, that’s kind of on you, but definitely don’t put her on the lease even if there is a remote chance you woudl want to ask her to leave at some point.
You actually putting yourself in a bad situation. If she lives there and can prove it, you can’t just “kick her out” if she does not want to leave. She has to be evicted. If the landlord has to pay for lawyers and court fees to evict someone who is not even an a lease, they are not going to be happy with you to say the least.
Did you not discuss any of this before hand? Or was she deceptive about these things? NTA but kind of Y T A to yourself either for not doing due diligence beforehand before letting someone move in or lacking the self-respect to recognize a roommate being deceptive what living with them would be like.
Also you should read your lease about additional tenants/guests etc, you might be in violation of your lease if you agreed to someone living there not on the lease.
Day to day living together is hard. It doesn’t sound like you two are a good match for roommates. NTA.
NTA
Remove her immediately. The longer she stays with you the more difficult it will be to have her removed later down the line.
Tell her it’s not working out and find another roommate.
Call it quits and find someone else. Someone who has past trauma about men but won’t lock a door is unfathomable to me . I have no trauma and i religiously lock my door.
NTA. OP, I fear that your roomate’s mother is hoping that you will now take ownership of her special needs daughter’s care. I wish I could say it is the first time I’ve seen that happen, it’s not a majority in my experience- but it’s not uncommon with parents who’s children are autistic to the level that they may not be approved for a group home, but have too many needs to allow them to live on their own (finances nonwithstanding) will dump them on the first able-bodied person who offers, usually a roomate or a boy/girlfriend.
If I were you, I would nip this in the bud now. the best you can do is ask for a meeting with her and her mother (Who it sounds like is paying her rent/takes a fairly active role in her life) and tell them that you’re going to look for other options, but you appreciate their interest. preferably meet them in a neutral space for this conversation if possible.