TLDR: engagement ended and within 7 days, she was hooking up with a coworker all while she wasn’t moved out. I continue to struggle with getting past this. Dated a few people for 4-6 month stints since failed engagement 2.5 years ago. Randomly get thoughts about past engagement partner. The feelings are not wanting them back, but more of 1) acknowledgment of how painful it was seeing them go, 2) disbelief the relationship didn’t go the way it was supposed to, and 3) what could have been. How do I get past these thoughts?
Details:
I (30m) was previously engaged to a girl (30f) that failed. We dated for 7 years and were engaged for 8-months (lived together for 4 years).
We moved to the city we were both originally from, about 6 months into our engagement. We moved into my parents house to save money and we both knew it was temporary. The space we had was a separate floor from everything else and separate restroom and living room areas. We agreed to move cities together and that living at my parents was temporary so we could save for wedding and hopefully a bit of down payment for a home (in the future).
2 months later after the move, it was over. It gutted me. We were looking at wedding venues (ready to make a deposit for one), she had gone dress shopping with one of her friends, and some of my girl friends (she didn’t have a ton of super close friends our home town city). Things were in motion and I was thinking we were going to get married because all our actions were indicating we were getting married.
She apparently was attracted to a new coworker over a span of a month and that was enough to call off the engagement. One day she said she wasn’t feeling it after we tried to be intimate and had a discussion about what was going on in her head. She said she needed “to be alone” to know what she wanted. That was clearly not true and was hooking up with him before she moved out of the place we living in.
She made sure to “call off” the engagement just before hooking up with the other person so that she was clear of any cheating allegations (my perspective). There was only 6 days between getting clarity that we are not engaged and her having dinner and kissing this person (and who knows what else).
This was absolutely brutal for me, especially considering how I found out. She said she needed space and was staying with a girlfriend for the weekend (who I knew). When she was going to stay with her friend I saw that the location sharing was disabled (we had it shared for years) and I called to see why she did that. Well, by accident she answered on her watch and I heard who it was and kissing noises (I met the coworker before).
Crushing blow, straight to the heart. We were doing so many wedding things just weeks before and then she’s with someone else? Either she was real with regards to wedding planning and a few weeks of being around another person was enough to end it all, or she was lying about interest with wedding planning and was developing feelings and interest in the person for a couple of months.
This engagement debacle happened 2.5 years ago and haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve dated a couple of people for 6-month stints since the end of the engagement, but they haven’t progressed past for just general reasons (attraction, distance, etc).
For some reason I still get in my head every now and then about her. I wish so much that I wasn’t plagued by random thoughts. She isn’t involved in the friend group but occasionally she will reach out to someone and I’ll hear about it. Then my head gets into that uncomfortable space and I can’t shake the thought. It only subsides when I let the feelings take over for a whole evening by listening to past songs, drinking and wallowing. Then I feel bad about it the next couple of days. After that, no thoughts for a few months until that unwarranted thought comes up again (then rinse and repeat).
My feelings are not really wishing that I was with them, but it’s more of “wow, I still can’t believe this is where it all went” and “can’t believe we didn’t get to where we planned”.
During these rough nights, not once have I thought of unblocking her and reaching out. She has reached out to me twice since it was all over, 8 months after and 1.5 years after. First was dropping an “I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I love you” note at my parents doorstep as the other was an email asking if I’m OK.
How do I get past this for good? I was so close to this person and had real love for them (and their family) in the past. I just wanted to these random thoughts to stop. Dating other people helps subside some of these feelings but they still happen infrequently. It feels like I need to get those thoughts eliminated before I can truly commit to another person, but how?
Thanks for any input.
Edit: wow I should have posted this a while ago. It’s surprising helpful to hear all of people’s feedback, thanks to all that have given their feedback.
Just to be clear, she pushed for engagement and marriage. Not that I’m against it, I’m for it and wanted it. She was just way more vocal about it that I was.
Also, I did do a bunch of therapy with a professional that was recommended by a really good friend (it was successful). Weekly video calls for the first 4months and went to bi-weekly after for another 4 months. Now it is sparingly, but every few months I’ll reach out for a session (usually after a ‘bad night’). I have “moved on” in the sense that I bought a condo (on my own) and took on new Managment responsibilities at my job. I use these accomplishments to help steer my mind away from the thoughts (which is successful) but still, every so often the thoughts are just overwhelming and I can’t push it down. A song is typically a small trigger and my mind lights the fire with that little bit of kindling.
I think I’d focus on two things:
1) learning to trust your own judgment regarding people again. It’s hard when you have betrayal like this. I wasn’t formally engaged but we were all but engaged when this happened to me years ago. Together three years. Living together 2. With a coworker.
2) being grateful you dodged that relationship. She did you a favor.
In my case she got together with coworker. Told myself I was grateful she was not my problem anymore. They hit a rough patch. She left. Got back together with him. Got married. Had a kid. Divorced. He is an alcoholic. We have mutual friends so unfortunately she was never too far. Know she regretted her decision with me like 10 years after it happened. It took me about 18 months from break up to accept. But I think remembering her flaws and the betrayal and her character implications certainly helped in that regard.
OP, this is sound advice and a great second point.
Welcome to life. Tear out all of your resentments and embrace the next screw up.
Honestly, I think the fact that you heard it when you called her apple watch is the reason you’re so traumatized – nobody wants to experience that.
Just be happy you dodged a bullet, it was most likely not about you at all, but issues with her. It’s not that she liked that other guy so much, but more that she was looking for a way out because she wasn’t ready for marriage (to anybody) and took it.
Thank god you found out before you married her.
You need to recognize the mistakes you made and what things you ignored in that past relationship so that relationship is something that made you a better person.
Other then that invest more in relationships with other men and seek out individual therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be great for moving past unhelpful mindsets
Things in life happen. You cant stop them from happening.
People are free to make choices. She choose to end the engagement. From the sounds of it you dodge a bullet my friend.
She was eventually going to cheat if it only took 1 month for her to end your i year relationship.
She is a very fickle woman. She showed you her true character. Believe her.
Loyalty is not common anymore.
I know it may be hard to see but this was a blessing. Work on yourself. Make yourself happy. Get back to doing things that bing you joy.
It happened. It hurt. Move forward. Even if its just babysteps.
That hurts me just reading it. I think it is fair to say that they were banging while you were together and that adds another element. I am sure there were flags you ignored but things seem clearer now.
With that, focus on being your best you. You will look back and see her crappy life in the rear view and thank your lucky stars. This happened to me and I used to look at my ex’s shitty life she created for herself. I didn’t get pleasure from it, but I figured it was good to see I didn’t build a life with her.
She’s the kind of person who calls off a wedding because she met someone. That isn’t someone you want to be married to, and I promise that had it not happened then, it would have later, and that would only be worse for you.
I don’t think it’s all that crazy to think about it still two and a half years later. You’re a sensitive person. Otherwise you’d be so totally over it. You just need more time.
You will never put this behind 100%. Im 6 years out and still dont do relationships, I still dont trust anyone and the whole situation still hits me daily. Other than this one issue life is kind of amazing tbh. The only difference now is I dont let it affect me. Its like a really dull headache, yea its a pain but nothing compared to the first year
Life is chaotic and shit happens. Way worse happens all around you. You need to understand how LUCKY you were that it happened before the wedding or having kids. REJOICE. Also, and I don’t think it’s scientific, but you probably fit in the “it takes the same amount of time for a man to get over a relationship than the relationship lasted”. I know it happened to me, to one exception, and that was when I knew she got another guy. To me, although a violent end, is way easier to get over someone.
If people on here don’t say “you dodged a bullet,” then you’re getting bad advice. Instead of the whole woe-is-me bit, think about how fucked up it would have been to have to split a house, to pay child support and alimony. Plenty of dudes have way less to show for their decisions than sadness. There is a children’s book called “it could always be worse,” or something…you should read it. It’s like this sad little mouse or something that is super negative, but he doesn’t even realize that all of his mishaps are really just him escaping doom. You got this, bruh.