I recently got a text invitation to my brother and sister-in-laws baby shower along with a link to their registry. They are having a little girl and are so excited. They had been trying for awhile and had a few miscarriages so I know she will be deeply loved and for that I am happy.
I feel a lot of sadness because I just had a baby girl last year and they didn’t seem to be very interested in her. They never checked in on me while I was pregnant or send any gifts even though the registry was shared amongst my family and friends.
I didn’t pry at all or push my pregnancy updates on them as I suspected my pregnancy might have caused pain for them but I always hoped they might occasionally check in.
Even though I didn’t go through a miscarriage it took a long time to get pregnant and so we were all so excited as it was the first baby for both my husband and my sides in quite a few years.
My husband’s side of the family and mine along with so many others gave us so many wonderful gifts and my work gave me a lovely baby shower so I never gave their absence much thought until now. I really try to understand and do not expect everyone to get us stuff. I was moreso hurt that they just never seemed to want to have any knowledge or show much concern.
They both have great jobs, she comes from a well to do family and they travel the world and often visit other family members this last year but have never made any attempt to visit their new niece. They just don’t seem to care at all one way or another.
I have texted my brother and sister-in-law multiple times during her pregnancy to see how she’s feeling and I think she appreciates it but the conversation doesn’t go anywhere.
I was shocked to get the baby shower invite as they hardly talk to me and we don’t live nearby. We don’t have the money to go and are barely scraping by since my husband lost his job a few months ago.
I just wonder if it would a little bit dickish of me to ignore the invitation but the more I think of it the more angry I get.
And in case anyone is curious, yes, I have reached out on multiple occasions over the years just because I have always wished my brother would want to have a relationship but I am always the one who has to initiate or else we would never talk. They won’t tell me what’s wrong or why they don’t want to talk. They just always say they’re busy or whatever.
They live a totally different lifestyle than we do and have money and are very career focused and that’s great. My husband and I live in a tiny apartment on a very tight budget and aren’t very cultural or cool. We are weird and nerdy but super loving and accepting to anyone and everyone so this just hurts in a way that is hard to explain and I don’t want to seem like I’m being petty or mean. I truly am so happy for them.
Am I being an asshole about this and just need to let bygones be bygones or am I justified for feeling a bit used?
Yes, YWBTA if you ignored it.
Just tell them you can’t make it. Like an adult.
Agreed. Why replicate the behaviour that caused you to feel hurt? They have made it clear that they do not want to be close to you so, as above, behave like an adult and simply decline the invitation.
Tell them you cannot make it politely. And you don’t need to get them a gift
Yes, your pregnancy would have been difficult for them, but doesnt explain their complete avoidance of your child. Self absorbed? Probably.
Since money is tight, that’s all you need to say to them. If you can’t afford to attend, that’s that. I would however budget for a small gift to be sent. Don’t stoop to tit for tat behaviour. It’s unbecoming.
NTA for not getting a gift for a baby shower- I don’t think anyone ever really would be for that
-HOWEVER-
YTA for being upset they didn’t want to be involved with or check on your pregnancy when you know why and even admit you thought it could be painful for them. I imagine even looking at baby items to gift to you when they had had these losses could have been too much. You need to fully realize the difference between LOSING a pregnancy and having to grieve something you had and wanted and then it died inside you, and the grief of thinking pregnancy may not happen for you at all despite how bad you want it. They are not the same, and you need to stop making them protecting themselves from furthering that pain about you.
She is family. There is no excuse for not even texting her. Grief is not an excuse to be a dick.
I don’t think you’re being an asshole. Just tell them that you can’t make it and send a card. I understand that it might’ve been hard for them to acknowledge your baby, but I don’t think you should feel obligated to give a gift or go to the shower.
Just let them know you are happy for them but can’t attend and hope to be able to get the nieces together after she’s here. You’re NTA for feeling how you feel and you don’t need to finacially strain yourselves to get a gift but if they ask I would mention the recent job loss and not mention their lack of gift during your pregnancy. It’s also totally ok to build a family of your own with people that show up for you and not over extend yourself trying to make a relationship that isn’t there just because you share genetic material.
Just decline the invitation (no need to get a gift) and get on with your life.
Firstly, it’s not your brothers fault that he and his wife have a better financial situation, so you really do need to let go of that resentment.
If you straight up ignore the invite then YWBTA in my opinion, as that’s pretty rude. Simply declining the invite, citing your new baby or work commitments or whatever else feels right, and not buying a gift is a perfectly fine and normal thing to do.
Wait for the birth announcement then send a congratulations card. Sign it from Aunt, Uncle & Cousin. No need to feel obligated to send a gift.
YTA if you ignore it. Be a better person and just text them that you won’t come.
You’re overthinking it all. Just politely tell them you can’t make it and wish them the best. You don’t need to send a gift, or you could just send something small.
I overthink everything lol you’re not the first person to say that. Yeah I’ll just hit the decline and figure out what to do after