I (40M) finally have come to the realization that my cousin (39f) has been bullying me my whole life. We live in different countries, so we only see each other every few years and the majority of the time it is during a wedding a larger family hangout, so she and I aren’t spending that much meaningful one on one time together.
This past Christmas she visited with her husband and two kids and stayed at my house with my wife and two kids for 10 days. She pretty much spent the entire time getting her digs in, pushing buttons, and trying to get a reaction from my wife and I (attacking my wife’s cooking skills, attacking our lack of friends, and attacking our parenting styles). I say she has bullied me my whole life because she visited when I was 28 years old and it was basically the same, but I was hoping this time would be different given we are older and both have families of our own now.
Anyway, we made it through the ten days and basically just “grey rocked” her and kept ourselves busy with our own kids to get through it without any drama. When she got to the airport, I called her and told her I didn’t enjoy her stay and that she and I should just go our separate ways.
Me and the rest of my relatives generally try to not “rock the boat”, so the norm would be for me to just go on with my life and not really say much about how draining and toxic she is. I’m honestly still peeved at the whole thing and feel like I want to respond more to her. There is a group chat that she created over the holidays to coordinate with my family and her in laws because everyone was in town and we were doing a “combined” Christmas with them. Shortly after I called her, she typed up a very lengthy text saying how wonderful everything was and saying all these nice things about my wife and I and our kids. Basically just bullshitting to the group that everything is peachy and maybe laying some ground work so that she can create some narrative about how awful I am. This isn’t the first time I’ve been on the receiving end of her bullying, which is why I suspect this will be more of the same and she’s likely already crafted some story about how I didn’t provide enough food for her kids or that I didn’t have enough patience with her kids, or whatever.
Anyway, WIBTA if I “clarified” in the group chat that the stay was not enjoyable, I didn’t appreciate the disrespect she showed my wife and I, and I was uncomfortable with her bad mouthing her in laws behind their backs?
YWBTA. I know it stings, but you will achieve exactly nothing. You are upset with her and want to show how she was, but doing what you said and calling her a bully would make you look resentful, mean, unhospitable. You’d play into her hands with it.
In your shoes, I’d go the diplomatic way – thank her for the visit, say you are glad that she enjoyed the stay and that you tried to do your best to make her comfortable even though she made it clear how different your lifestyles are. Tell her you hope that getting back to her routines and habits brought her happiness and wiah her a lot of health, happiness and contentment in the year to come.
Don’t go nuclear, it doesn’t work wirh bullies.
***”Don’t go nuclear, it doesn’t work wirh bullies.”***
To the contrary, bullies hate being exposed except to the audience they chose to bear witness to the bullying or being ridiculed. The real risk is with family members not thinking the group chat is the place to address grievances and not turning on the bully and reacting badly to the author. THAT will empower the bully.
It is best to tell others privately in this case.
I would call her out and state she is no longer welcome in your home. Other people are welcome to host her but you are done with her toxicity. Flying monkeys will be blocked.
YWBTA, don’t give her ammunition to use against you.
Confronting her in the group chat could back fire. After her “kind” words, at the very least you’d make others uncomfortable by rocking this boat. In other words you’d appear to be the Ah. Not her.
You also need to learn how to respond to bullies or just people criticizing you on things you, like standing your ground. If she criticized your wife’s cooking you stated that you are sorry she doesn’t like it but you guys like it, and if they don’t they are free to cook their meals or eat out, that applies to any critic on your hospitality! Your lake of social friends and parenting styles also your choices that you don’t need to defend just state that you like your social life as it is or your parenting style! That’s how your respond to bullies, at the moment and making clear that they jabs don’t affect you and that you don’t want to keep listening the same type of comments again, and if they can’t do it, and shut their mouth, then it’s better that they stay else where! Winning at the group Chat is the wrong moment and only will it create more drama/problems .
Or you don’t let her continue staying at your house for the full visit. Tell her it’s time to go to a hotel.
You probably WBTA … but… I dont like Bullys so i advise saying “Im so glad you enjoyed you time here because when you *insert example here* i truely thought you were having an awful time”
Not the asshole. What does silence in the groupchat achieve? Her continued abuse and her reputation in tact. What does confrontation achieve? A boundary and narrative set.
I’d respond honestly and politely nonetheless.
“Cousin, I’m surprised you had such a positive experience because that is not how we received it while hosting you and your family. Your comments disparaging my wife’s cooking, belittling our parenting style, and belittling me were unappreciated, disrespectful and not new. This negging has been an ongoing issue for years and will no longer be tolerated going forward. I apologize for dragging the rest of the family into this discussion but I’d like to set the narrative straight and to ensure everyone understands why our family unit will be going no-contact with Cousin’s immediate family unit in the future. Thank you for your patience and support in the matter.”
Then leave the groupchat and block Cousin.
okay! you need to vent I get that, but not on the chat as people will turn. If she comes to an event again, don’t offer accommodation & when you are face to face tell her you will not have anything to do with her. Once. narcissist always a narcissist . what she wrote in the chat about her stay was love bombing. You can’t argue with her as she will just flip it on you. best to cut ties & leave the chat. YWBTAH . So don’t do anything. seek some therapy if needed.
TBH
You should just respond with “I thought you hadn’t enjoyed your stay with the amount of complaining you made. Would have been nice, had you said these to our faces.”
And how rude you were to my wife…
Jesus Christ, let it go. You’re middle-aged. I know you had an unpleasant visit but you apparently INVITED her (or at least allowed her to stay). Don’t do that anymore. And apparently the last time you saw her and was on the receiving end of her bullying was TWELVE FRIKKIN YEARS AGO.
This is not a person you hardly see…. ever. She should be nothing more than a total non-entity to you and have absolutely zero effect on your life, but you’re letting her live rent free in your brain way way too much.
You’d be doing nothing but starting drama & making everyone made at you for starting drama. Address it with your cousin and do not do any favors for them in the future. You should have addressed things when you’re wife’s cooking was insulted instead of waiting until they’d left and wanting to drag it in front of the entire family.