Me and 3 friends annually go on a trip. We’ve always been pretty receptive to partners coming along, or other friends. Basically a bit of a free for all as long as the core 4 are in agreement. This year 1 friend is bringing his long term girlfriend, another is bringing someone from his work. I’ve chosen not to bring anyone this year, had a breakup a few months ago. But that’s unrelated.
Our third friend, we will call him Logan, has asked to bring his partner. We will call her Sarah. Sarah has only been introduced to our group a couple of times but she’s pretty inoffensive. Not my sort of person but not someone I dread being around. However last time we met her was at a big leaving party. A few of her friends were there, and the entire night they were cracking racist, homophobic, all around prejudiced jokes. All. Night. Long. Very loudly too, people even started looking. It was unbearable. She wasn’t the one making the jokes but they were her friends and she was laughing along side them. I’ve always been raised that the company you keep says a lot about a person.
Skip to trip planning, Logan pretty much assumed he could bring Sarah along for the trip and the others didn’t seem to care. But I made a point of saying that I wasn’t comfortable for her to go, that if she went I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy my time as much and would prefer if she didn’t come. I have friends and family who all fit the description of the people her and her friends were making terrible jokes about and frankly found it offensive. But Logan didn’t take it very seriously and brushed it off but didn’t mention it further.
Then a few weeks later we all meet up for some drinks, Logan brings Sarah. He starts talking about the trip, how excited they were. I reiterated in front of both of them that if Sarah really wanted to go, I’d give this trip a miss. That i wasn’t comfortable with her being there. Well that didn’t go down well. Logan was super mad about the whole thing and has been texting me since that I’ve made things awkward for Sarah, she’s super upset and feels unwelcome. Even the other friends have said I shouldn’t have said anything to their faces like that and it’s made everyone feel awkward. But I mentioned it first privately and my opinion was ignored. At this point I’m probably just going to miss the trip anyway but AITAH for standing on my principles like that?
NTA. I would also add, what does that say about your friend Logan that he’s with someone racist and homophobic?
INFO: i’m genuinely curious why your principles don’t extend to Logan, since he is keeping Sarah’s company…shouldn’t that say something about him?
I think OP doesn’t feel the same way about Logan because OP didn’t mention Logan laughing at the jokes like Sarah did.
But it 100% says something about him.
To be honest this situation has had me reflecting. I think in his eyes he sees it as ‘she wasn’t making the jokes’ and that maybe her friend’s jokes were not to be taken as serious. But I agree that this amount of pushback from him on my concerns isn’t a good sign. Thanks for the question 👍🏼
INFO: if “the company you keep says a lot about you”, what does it say about you that you sat listening to bigoted jokes for an entire night, said/did nothing, and didn’t even address it until a trip came up that affected you?
I agree with this take as well.
Do your friends know why specifically you do not wish Sarah to join on the trip?
NTA and her feelings are valid. racist homophobes should very much feel unwelcome among the general public. glad you stood on business!
NTA. The rule is that the initial 4 have to agree on the +1s. Logan probably had a hard time explaining to Sarah why a random coworker was welcomed but not her – especially if he was avoiding discussing/refusing to acknowledge her problematic behavior at previous events.
You might be “the bad guy” to those 5 people but you did the right thing. Why spend time and money on a vacation you know you couldn’t possibly enjoy at this time.
Let the racist bigots feel unwelcome. That’s the point. Your friends are disappointing and clearly not a part of the groups of people that were being discriminated against. Maybe not a good bunch of people to be hanging with if they think it’s no big deal to be horribly hateful of people they view as “other”.
NTA. You made her feel unwelcome the same way her and her friends are bigots and make other people feel unwelcome.
I don’t care about hurting the feelings of homophobic racists. That’s just me, though.
If I were you, I would have told her exactly why I didn’t want her there. I would have loved to hear what she had to say.
And I agree with you about the company you keep. Even if she herself doesn’t agree with her friends, she participates and tolerates it. Fuck. That. Noise.
You def did right by communicating multiple times you are uncomfortable. You have every right to excuse yourself if you’re not comfortable.
But your post doesn’t not make it clear if you communicated *why* you don’t like Sarah. The reason actually *does* matter, especially when others are involved. And if you never explained to them why, then you actually didn’t communicate properly.
Lastly if you’re friends don’t think Sarah’s behaviour is upsetting, then they are just like her, and it would be hypocritical of you to judge her in that way and not remove yourself from such friend group. It doesn’t matter who is saying what, if your stance (which isn’t a wrong stance btw, I agree with it), is essentially not associating with people who condone discrimination and who don’t shut it down, then your friends are part of the problem too- Logan included.
ESH with the given info on this post considering OP hasn’t answered any INFOs
Racists should feel unwelcome. Your friends are oddly comfortable with racism – just noting that. Logan, especially, seems very comfortable with racism since he’s dating a racist.
NTA.
You should have said why.