I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for just over a year. Our anniversary is on New Year’s Day, but we were talking for a few months before becoming official.
For my birthday this year, my boyfriend took me out to a nice restaurant (spent around £120), which I do appreciate. Also, when it turned midnight, he came into my flat with a cake and sang happy birthday with my flatmate. After that, he went home to sleep because he had work the next day. On the actual day of my birthday, we only spent about four hours together.
Part of my disappointment comes from the fact that he still had 1–2 days of annual leave available, but chose not to take my birthday off. He’s saving most of his leave for a big holiday later this year, which includes two weeks with me and then several weeks with his friends. I understand that, but I still felt hurt that my birthday wasn’t worth taking one day for.
Last year, he also took me to a restaurant for my birthday and we did karaoke. After that, I told him that birthdays are important to me and that I’d like them to feel more special than a normal date or like valentines – something a bit more unique.
Later that year, for his birthday, I planned and paid for a whole weekend trip a few hours away and organised a unique activity he’d never done before. This year, his birthday will fall during a trip he’s on with friends, so I was planning to celebrate it while we’re away together instead, again with a special experience, not just a restaurant.
Financially, he earns more than me, but I’m currently in a better financial position. I’m also aware that my birthday falls close to Christmas, our anniversary, and Valentine’s Day, which makes it a busy and expensive time. I even suggested at one point that we could celebrate my birthday later in the year to make things easier.
Where I might be the asshole is how I brought this up. About a week after my birthday, I asked if we were doing anything else for it. He said he genuinely thought what he’d done was special and looked quite upset, which made me feel guilty. I know there was probably a better way and time to communicate how I felt.
At the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I had already communicated my expectations around birthdays, and they weren’t really met.
EDIT: Adding clarification since some people are saying I didn’t communicate my expectations.
After my birthday last year, I explicitly told my boyfriend that what makes birthdays feel special to me is doing something unique or new that we wouldn’t normally do on a standard date (we usually take each other out to restaurants with no occasion). I didn’t give him a checklist (like “take the day off”), but I was clear about the type of effort I value.
For his birthday, I tried to reflect that understanding. He chose to spend his actual birthday with his friends, which I supported. I got him a cake and drinks for the day, and then planned a weekend trip afterwards with a unique activity. I even considered flying him abroad but decided against it since it was our first year together.
I understand that from his perspective, what he did for my birthday felt special, and I’ve acknowledged that. My disappointment comes from a mismatch in what we each consider “special,” despite that prior conversation – not from feeling like he did nothing.
So AITA for feeling disappointed and expecting my birthday to feel more special, even though he did make an effort?
YTA. “I communicated my expectations” is what you wrote, but you don’t actually indicate you communicated this at all to him. Especially since he \*genuinely\* thought what he did was special. You only wrote that you said birthdays are “special” to you and you’d like “something.”
From his perspective, he showed up at midnight with a cake and sang to you, brought you to an expensive meal, and spent four hours with you. That’s more than an average normal date. To him, that was special. That’s exactly what you communicated. At no point did you say, “I want you to plan an event. I want you to take the day off. I want you to bring me out to a new activity.”
Here’s what you need to know: if birthdays are important to you, make the effort to make them special for yourself. Invite others along if you so desire, but in general people who are obsessed with their own birthdays are insufferable when they need everyone else to make a huge deal out of it, too. It’s literally a day out of the year. Millions of people share your birthday. It’s not inherently special to have a birthday or turn a certain age.
Yeah, I mean honestly what the boyfriend did seems great to me. The idea that you have to do more than that…that seems exhausting. Who has time for that?!
YTA. It seems like he went out of his way on a work night to do cake and also took you out. A birthday is one day not an extended holiday. Your expectations are wild.
YTA. This sounds like the expectations of a small child for their birthday.
>my boyfriend took me out to a nice restaurant (spent around £120), which I do appreciate. Also, when it turned midnight, he came into my flat with a cake and sang happy birthday with my flatmate.
You got all of this wonderful attention but it wasn’t enough? You wanted him to take time off of work for your actual birthday when he’d already done so much?
YTA.
YTA. He clearly made a solid effort and tried genuinely to fulfill your wishes. If you have expectations that specific, you need to be specific in your requests, not just tell him you want your birthday to be special and expect him to read your mind.
You’re going on a long trip later in the year. Decide what you want, tell him, and then celebrate in a way that you’ll be happy with. Appreciate the good faith effort he made this year.
I think what your boyfriend did was lovely. You sound exhausting and high maintenance. YTA
When you are 25 and still expecting your birthday to be celebrated at your level, you are too immature to understand that your bf did a great job for your birthday and expecting more puts you in the category of not accepting that birthdays, past about 21, are not days that get that level of attention (the exception being the zero ending ones like 30, 40). Your counter argument that you went all out on his birthday makes it suspicious that you did it JUST to make sure he hit that level on your birthday, not because you wanted to do it for him. You having the previous conversation with said bf about how important birthdays are sent him a message that he met. And now you are on here posting about how your expectations weren’t met…your poor bf. Sure hope he wakes up soon.
YTA
YTA
I would say that your ‘expectations’ for your birthday are more ,um, ‘involved’ than the normal person? So you might have to satisfy some of those expectations yourself.
1 – You are upset he didn’t take one of his 2 days of leave for your birthday, instead of save them for a trip he’s taking WTIH YOU later in the year?
2 – You said birthdays are a big deal, he made what HE thought was a big deal, but you actually have a checklist:
\- weekend away
\- something unique I haven’t done before
\- not ‘just’ a restaurant.
You acknowledge it’s expensive, and poorly-placed during a busy/expensive time of year, but still ‘oh well, that’s what I want though’.
I usually don’t use the word ‘princess’ but you’re kind of fitting the bill.
There is no issue wanting what you want…but your list is long and maybe you need to compromise. YOu don’t even seem to appreciate what he DID do for you at all, which is probably deflating to him. And yeah, you communicated it poorly.
HOw about next time, send him a few ideas of things you’d like (I’ve always wanted to visit here, or stay here or try this or see that). Help him out so he can pull something togehter, but also don’t expect it to be too costly espcially from a vacation time standpoint. Have a conversation about what a ‘normal’ birthday should cost, and maybe allow for extra special birthdays on occassion. Try to get on the same page.
Yes YTA, he made a genuine effort and did a lot. You sound ungrateful and immature. It’s pretty self-centered to expect him to take a day off for your birthday lol.
You are too old for this behavior. YTA
Girl, no. YTA. No one should take a day off of work for your birthday. What an immature way at looking at life. The world does not revolve around you.
YTA. He actually did great, spent a good deal of money on you, and even brought you a freaking cake. You sound like a spoiled 12 year old. Expecting someone to take your own birthday off of work is extremely entitled, particularly when he is saving up vacation days to spend on a vacation with…you. I honestly don’t know what you expect here, but I know it is ridiculous.
YTA-for this: “Where I might be the asshole is how I brought this up. About a week after my birthday, I asked if we were doing anything else for it”
I can’t imagine someone going out of their way for me to celebrate my birthday and then a week later saying something like this with the intent of making them feel like trash. Which was your intent because if it wasn’t you wouldn’t have said something like this.
Treating your partner like this is a really great way to ensure they aren’t around for the next birthday.
You are 25 years old and still expecting to be spoiled on your birthday like a 5 year old. Grow up.