Invited my mum round to stay at my (just moved in) basement apartment, pretty much the from the second she got here, she couldn’t stop moving things around, desks, unpacking things, putting them in the shelves, trying to organise things a certain way etc.
I told her please don’t do that many times and to stop it, it’s my place and I will unpack everything when ready and how I like, she said she’s only trying to help get me organised (just moved in) I repeated this many times, she kept doing it, kept doing it.
She then said its not very secure in here, criticising the windows, saying they don’t lock properly, I do agree the windows could be a bit better, they don’t have a key lock feature from the inside, but they can’t be opened from the outside if that makes sense, it’s like those windows with the bar and hook (idk the name), which I told her, its just single glazing windows, but its just the way it is here.
But she kept going on about it, moving things off my window ledge which I’d put next to the window, saying thieves will see it (blinds were open), and I responded many times that when I go out I closed the blinds. She said she wouldn’t feel secure staying here.
Essentially the back and forth on this and other things went on in a loop, I’d tell her stop moving my things/criticising my place, (even if it was supposedly related to safety) she would keep doing it, my tone escalated as I was regrettably losing patience and getting frustrated.
I will also say I am a grown man with a career who moved out many years ago at 18 but occasionally lived back at home with my mother, just in case any of that is relevant.
She left in a huff and said she doesn’t feel welcome here I feel bad and have no idea how to reflect on this in regards to myself. I feel like she meant well.
NTA
“She left in a huff and said she doesn’t feel welcome here” … She doesn’t respect you and your home. She SHOULDN’T BE welcome until she stops acting like a boundarystomping AH.
“I feel bad and have no idea how to reflect on this in regards to myself.” … don’t feel bad. YOU set a REASONABLE boundary. Keep doing it.
NTA. Your house, your rules. She might be your mom, but that’s still your house. If she doesn’t feel safe, then the best thing she did was leave.
NTA…. This your house and you set boundaries that she didn’t respect. I’d react the exact same way if someone did that to me.
NTA – My mom is just like this, what she’s doing is DARVO, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. You set a boundary and tell her you’re uncomfortable, and she has to then turn it around and make herself the victim so you end up feeling bad or possibly even comforting her. Don’t fall for it. Grey rock if you need to, and don’t let her have a key.
Remember that every time she does stuff like this, continuing to do things you don’t like as you get more and more frustrated, that that’s the point. She wants you to get burned out until you stop caring and let her do what she wants. Set strong boundaries and enforce them, too many people forget the enforcing part so they keep just getting walked all over.
Mate, I haven’t seen my mother in a decade cause she’s too hard work. You don’t need stress in your life, and yes stress will kill you someday
Does your mom have a lot of anxiety?
Women of a certain age were told off for being worriers, but the advice they got was to ‘keep busy’. I see this same behavior in my older female relatives who grew up anxious but with no place to put it: they become pushy and passive aggressive because they feel they need to change things (tidying) to deal with their worries (your safety now that you are in your new place). She’s fixated on the windows and will likely harp on them forever because it’s what her intrusive anxious thoughts are focused on.
I try to give that generation some grace in how they handle their emotions (my Dad has PTSD and he told me he was cured now because the doctor prescribed him a pill 😐 ), but it is SO ANNOYING.
You did nothing wrong, OP. Your mom tidying things was her trying to work through her feelings that she’s unable to voice. She harped on the window because its the only shred of evidence she had to point to on why she’s freaking out.
She does mean well — but her emotions aren’t yours to solve. She needs to find a way to be okay with you being on your own in this new spot.
It would be nice though if you got some window bars (not the ones that go over the window – the ones that are usually spring-mounted and just keep anyone from opening a single frame window because it blocks the window from sliding open even if unlocked).
Yes, she has actually been diagnosed with anxiety in the past, everything you’ve said makes a lot of sense, thanks for your comment.
NTA. She sounds controlling.
NTA. I don’t know how old you are but it sounds like she’s having some trouble getting past the “out of the nest” part of growing up. Some parents do. Just be firm and consistent, communicate clearly that your space *is your space*, and give her some time. Hopefully she’ll get her head on straight again.
NTA she sounds unreasonable, though if you had the place unpacked and organized before having guests you might have avoided some of this
NTA. That’s extremely annoying. My mom isn’t that bad, but when she’s here she’s always like “why don’t you have this over here, why don’t you do this instead” and I am constantly reminding her, “I am the one who lives here, not you, and I’ll organize things the way I want them”
She doesn’t mean well.
She was trying to assert control.
NTA
NTA, boundaries are important. She’s anxiety dumping and she needs to find a different outlet. It’s ok with loved ones to have topics that are off-limits. It’s possible to be firm and gentle at the same time.
Don’t feel bad! She’s not welcome there if she is going to behave like that. She has opted out of staying at your place because she cannot control herself.