I (28F) had a situation with my mom and aunt and want an outside perspective.
My aunt (my mom’s sister) lives in South Asia. The other day she video called my mom to talk and see my baby (I gave birth via C section 6 months ago). While on the call my mom turned the camera toward me and my sister. I immediately said, “Please don’t show me.”
My aunt saw me anyway and said something along the lines of “She’s becoming like American women,” followed by, “She keeps getting fatter every day.”
I got upset and said, “This is exactly why I said not to show me.”
My mom then typed something to her sister and told her to hang up. After the call my mom got mad at me and said, “Why are you like this? Why couldn’t you just say hi properly?”
I told her it’s because her sister keeps calling me fat. This isn’t new. My aunt has body shamed me my entire life calling me “moti (fat in my language),” “fatty,” and even “elephant girl” when I was younger. She’s done this repeatedly including on two previous calls recently.
My mom’s response was basically, “So what? So what if she said that?”
That’s when I snapped and said this has been happening my whole life and no one ever defended me not then, not now.
For context:
Yes, I am overweight and always have been. I was a chubby kid and I’m currently heavier after pregnancy and a C section. My mom has also indirectly body shamed me my entire life. She has never complimented me not even on my wedding day. She constantly praises my sister (who is thinner) for being pretty, while pointing out that I look fat, even in new clothes. She has never intervened when relatives insult my body.
My mom says this is just cultural and I’m being disrespectful and overreacting. I feel like I had the right to set a boundary and not engage with someone who keeps insulting me.
So, AITA for refusing to say hi and getting upset about this?
NTA It might be time to come up with some fun nicknames for your aunt.
NTA, as a plus sized woman myself I hate that no one in your family stands up for you. I have went through similar stuff my life, even when I wasn’t fat but just bigger than my siblings.
You live in your body, you are not your body. There is way more to a person that should be acknowledged than just weight.
She’s an aunt… should be pretty easy to body shame right back lolz 😂😂
NTA.
NTA
I am also from a culture where making comments on appearance is seen as normal. It is also a culture where we are supposed to respect our elders, no matter what. It gets to the point where respecting elders means accepting being criticized.
Growing up, I dealt with comments about my body, even though I have never been overweight. Luckily for me, the comments stopped as I got older. However, the damage was done and I am having to work on my body image issues.
NTA. This is absolutely prevalent in some cultures, and it is not ok. It is ok to fight back against it, you don’t have to take abuse in the name of “culture” or “family”.
Cultural or not, if you are living in the U.S., you have a different perspective on verbal abuse and body shaming. Personally, I would refuse to talk with your aunt and be thankful that she lives very far away from you. Your mom, however, is a different story. She needs to hear how hurtful her words have been to you since childhood and that it is making it difficult to have a relationship with her as an adult because you don’t trust her. Mom’s should make us feel safe and loved at any age. Does she really want to risk not having a relationship with her grandchildren? I can imagine you will be a mother bear and not allow her to verbally abuse any child of yours! I have heard that there are cultures that call their kids fat and stupid, etc., but we consider that verbally abusive.
NTA. “This is just cultural” is no excuse for toxic behavior. Feel free to put down boundaries and hold them firmly.
No, you are NTA. But I do wonder if you have ever stated to the aunt “Your insults about my body are rude and mean and I don’t appreciate them. Stop being a bully, or I will have nothing more to do with you.” At least it would give her an opportunity to reflect that she is in the wrong.
You might say something similar to your mother.
YWBTA to yourself if you keep interacting with your mother and any other family members who treat you this way.
NTA. My go to with this passive aggressive “cultural” bodyshaming is to give it back in the same tone.
Aunty: “wow you are really gaining weight and getting fatter each time I see you”
Me [with a full sincere smile on my face]: “yes aunty, I’m trying to be like you”
They lose their minds. And if they call dare be offended, you can basically get them to outright admit they were being intentionally disrespectful in the first place.
NTA. Body shaming is not cool in any culture. In fact, I will go so far as to say that shaming of any type is totally un-cool. It does not serve to motivate individuals, but only to hurt them. The only type of shaming that I condone, is when someone behaves shamefully. An example would be your aunt’s behavior. Or certain persons who may be known by their hateful and disgusting actions. Criminal or unethical conduct is shameful.
You have produced another human being and you should be treated lovingly. Do not let insensitive and ignorant comments harm you and your child. Recovery from childbirth and especially a caesarean birth is difficult. Your mother is wrong not to defend you. As an American woman, I take offense to your aunt’s nasty and hateful comments.
“Auntie, I am fat. You have a pretty face and an ugly spirit. I can diet, and you’ll still have an ugly spirit.”
NTA. Americanize some more and cut them off.
Why couldn’t your Aunt say “Hi” properly? Nobody should be talking about somebody else’s body .EVER. Shame on your Aunt for making comments and double shame on your Mother for allowing her sister to fat shame her daughter and for doing it herself. I’d go no contact until they both learn how to behave