Throwaway account here since I don’t want something this personal linked to my main account.
English isn’t my native language and I may suck at explaining things properly as I’m not good with words.
**Background:** I have a twin sister(we’re non-identical twins) and due to some stuff I ended up get held back in school and then took time in finally getting serious with university, so she graduated in her 20s while here I am, the loser graduating in her 30s while my sister already has a job and her life pretty much set while I’m just starting mine and finding myself.
I love my sister, she is a good person and not the reason of this post.
When she graduated she had a party with some amount of guests, presents she got from them and a lot of good food, it was a nice moment.
My mom is the reason of this post, she is a good mom(she IS) and always tried to be fair to us both, there are NO golden children here. She has some issues too, which parent doesn’t? But she tries her best until this day.
**Issue:** Recently I got the date of the graduation ceremony and I kinda expected at least a little party from my mom(as she did for my sister), something to my taste, but then she told me that she is only seeking to make up dishes that she KNOWS(because I’ve told her several times) that I either hate or at best "endure", there is literally not ONE thing that I would like in her menu and that seemed to hit me deeper than I thought so we ended up fighting about it and now it’s been almost a week that I have not talked to her nor even given her any recognition of presence(I do not react to her at all).
And for some reason I don’t feel a thing about this situation, like at all. I don’t feel nor sadness nor anger, nothing.
I know, it is immature on my part, I know that, but I got so disappointed in her to the point of not even wanting to attend the graduation ceremony, maybe telling a lie to university staff to get out of it and just getting my diploma later without any fuss nor celebration.
To me I would already not have had guests(fine, as an introvert I don’t care much about it), nor presents(fine too, didn’t really care about it), but the bare minimum, that would’ve been the food, should at the very least have ONE thing I enjoy, shouldn’t it?
Am I asking too much for just one thing I like in what was supposed to be my celebration?
This made me feel less like she wants to celebrate a milestone and more like she just wants to "do something" to be able to say that we celebrated.
AITA then for have been ignoring my mother after the fight we had?
I would really appreciate the views of more emotionally mature people.
NTA, the only immature person here is your mom. You are an adult. Have a party you’d like. Buy the food you like, eat it alone and start an adult life. Leaving the house is a good start.
YTA for ignoring her over the food, though I suspect the issues run deeper than this and without further context, it’s hard to say whether your mom is being intentionally difficult
Correction, not over the food but over the fact that for what should’ve been a celebration of a milestone of mine, the only options of food she picked were only of things that I have already said to not like(if not hate).
This seemed a bit dismissive of me as a person(after all, who decides to make a party with only things that the one that is supposed to be the center of it, dislikes?), or at least that is how I felt it but maybe it wasn’t her intention(though I am a bit mad that it feels like she ignored all the times I said I didn’t like said foods).
I feel like a bit of the reason for her choices though must be because they’re all cold foods that don’t take too long to make(and she can do pretty much the same filling for all of them).
But having only cold food(not even taking into account my own tastes) to eat?
Cook the food yourself then. You’re in your thirties. Host your own party and make or buy the foods you want. Time to grow up
ESH.
You are an adult who had a slow start (and, reading between the lines, maybe that was due to some of your own decisions). However, you’re in your 30s. You’re an adult. Act like one. Have a real conversation with your mom and stop resorting to tactics used by children.
I agree, I should be more mature, I don’t know why to me there are moments were my emotions seem to overflow and I just can’t act maturely as I want.
But I just want to mention two things:
1. Isn’t she also immature for being older than me and also not trying to start a real conversation? Why the parents are always given leeway when their children(even when adults) are the ones told to “be mature”? Why someone twice my age shouldn’t be expected to be even more mature than I am?
2. Emotional maturity can vary for a number of reasons and it’s not always linked to biological age.
Come on… this is more immature than your original post.
You are either mature or not. Your mother does not need to be more mature than you simply because she’s older. If parents are given leeway (and that depends on where you are in the world, because it certainly isn’t true everywhere), it’s more due to respecting elders and appreciating all they have done for you.
If you, a college graduate in their 30s, are pleading immaturity due to other factors, please enlighten us. But absent an actual disorder that limits development, I repeat- you are a college graduate in their 30s. Grow up. Just because you don’t know why you act like you do does not excuse it. That’s AH behavior.
I’m changing my verdict. YTA. Your mom is a saint if this is how you normally act.
I don’t know. ESH a bit. It’s immature of both of you. I do understand how you feel, as I have this situation with my family too. Especially Grandma. Who always makes sure that my siblings, cousins, and so on get what they like. But she can’t recall a thing I really like to eat. Even though I’m very vocal about that. As in, how should people get to know me/know what I like if I never say it?
Anyway, I’m not a picky eater. So, I do not complain at all. Even if there are meals I don’t like.
So, if that comes up, I just take note of the fact that some people in my family either don’t like me or don’t know me much. And don’t try to change it. I stay polite, and I’m indifferent. There is no point in wasting energy on this.
If I were you, I would just have my own party in the way I like it. I’m an introvert (more exactly, an extroverted introvert—sometimes I like to do something, but I need to recharge from peopling too and love my quiet time either). So, I would make something for me to eat that I love (or order something), with a book or a movie or whatever I enjoy. Or even go to a restaurant I like (with maybe someone I’m close to) and have a great evening. And then move on.
Now that you are about to graduate and so on, you can generally take the next steps—find a job, move out, and have your own life.
Is ordering your favorite takeout an option?