I (30,F) I have family members (an aunt, uncle and cousin – their daughter) the uncle is my dad’s brother and my parents are divorced but my uncles wife and my mum are still in touch. These family members feel upset and rejected that I didn’t invite them to my baby shower.
However my event was small and intimate and I only invited people who I am in touch with at least on a monthly basis. There were 6 people from my side and the same from my husband side. The family members in question mind you, I haven’t seen in a couple of years, though we are in touch, we text sporadically (birthdays, Christmas etc) and see eachother at rare family events. They were invited to and attended my wedding a few years ago and they got us a wedding gift also. I love them as family but I wouldn’t say we “do life” together.
When I announced my pregnancy I sent an individual text message to most of my family members and also when she was born I sent a message to update, which they responded to each time with their well wishes.
My mum and aunt were exchanging messages, my mum shared a photo of my baby, and they cooed about how cute the baby is. My mum then said something along the lines of: you should call to check on her I’m sure she’d like to hear from family” (not sure why, I didn’t ask her to) and then my aunt proceeded to say that I’ve chosen the family members I want in my life based on who invited to my shower. Also the fact I didn’t invite my cousin (their daughter) who’s my age is even more sign that I don’t want them in my life. They apparently feel rejected and left out. Another cousin of mine (who I actually talk to regularly and was invited to the shower) also told me that *cousin 1* felt left out, so it’s not the first time I’m hearing this narrative.
I don’t appreciate people talking about me but not to me. Also, wondering how people have managed to make me having a baby about them?
I am thinking about calling my cousin and aunt separately to open up the line of communication and give them a chance to say how they feels and for me to clarify that one event is not an indication of our relationship.
My husband thinks there is abit of envy here as I am the only one out my cousins (I have loads and were all close in age) who is married and now a parent.
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. But I am keen to nip whatever narrative they’re building in the bud, and have a voice in these conversations that so far have been happening without me. I also care about maintaining family bonds, even the extended ones.
AITA?
TL;DR: I had a small baby shower, and did not invite extended family. I’m now post partum, and they are telling my mum they feel rejected for not receiving an invite.
Baby showers are traditionally hosted by family members or friends, not the mother-to-be-herself, otherwise it looks like you are shilling for presents. If they wanted to attend a baby shower for you are your baby, wouldn’t it be on them to host one?
This is tough. It sounds like the felt very close to you. You had the right to do what you wanted, but it’s sometimes expected to not leave anyone out. Maybe tell them you love them very much and want them in your lives. Tell them the truth. It was too much on you for something larger, but you would like to have them over for a brunch to meet the baby.
A lot of people will say tell them to back off. But sometimes a little grace goes a long way. That is provided they aren’t always like this.
It’s a tough one, but a part of me feels abit resentful. If this is how people feel, why not pick up the phone? We’re all adults here. If not, keep your feelings to yourself. I’m and adult and my mum is not my spokesperson (even if she tried to act like it in this situation)
They are not always like this no, generally quite positive people. So I am thinking to extend grace, and open the forum for feelings to be expressed and we move forward. Who knows it may bring us closer.
NAH. You can invite whoever you like to your baby shower, and they’re entitled to their feelings about being left out. They’re not even wrong: your invitation list is an indication of who you feel closest to and most want to share these life milestones with.
If anyone made an error in judgement here, it was your mother for trying to play family matchmaker, telling them you’d like them to call when you hadn’t asked her to do that and telling you about the feelings of rejection they privately shared with her.
Thanks for your reply. I hear you, they are not wrong. And perhaps that truth is sobering?
I think you’re right about the mom matchmaker thing. Totally not needed, and triggered my aunt to share her truth, which she very likely might have just kept to herself. We’ll never know
NTA. You don’t need this drama when being postpartum. Honestly your mom should have handled this, she was talking to your aunt anyway. She or your cousin could have said that you had only a very small baby shower and that they were invited because one is the mom and the other cousin reaches out.
Speaking of which, have your aunt and other cousin reached out or have they only replied to your messages about announcing pregnancy and the baby? If they haven’t asked in years how you have been, they shouldn’t expect to be invited to small gatherings. You absolutely said it right, you had a baby, they make it about them. Don’t feel obliged to contact your them, only do it if you really want to.
Thanks for the reply. I really don’t need this drama. But I tend to ruminate about things that are left unresolved. So I need to decide on a course of action so I can move forward and not have this situation live rent free in my head.
My mum said she tried to explain my invite list and rationale, but aunt didn’t change her view.
My aunt has not reached out to me. My cousin has text me to say she’d like to come and see the baby next month- to which I said she (and family) are welcome!
Looks like your cousin is more an adult than your aunt. And her visit is a great opportunity to resolve things between you. I personally think you would feed your aunt’s drama if you messaged her separately and gave her more attention, if she cares about you and your baby (congrats btw!!), she can join the visit.
Thanks ! I want my cousins visit to be all positive and about the baby. So I may just give her a call before then to clear the air. Would love my aunt to join the visit. Surprised this is the reaction I didn’t think they’d be too fussed considering we don’t talk often. But open to being closer with them if they want that !
You can make choices about your milestone events and how they are celebrated. But as always, choices have consequences. Their feelings were hurt and they have reframed how they view their relationship with you. You don’t get to dismiss how they feel about the situation.
It doesn’t sound like you care all that much about a breakdown of a relationship, so I’m not sure why you’re upset.
NTA, they should remember when they called you last time. Being a family members mean putting something by yourself in family relationships.
NAH but if you want to reopen the relationship, speak to them with kindness. You’re fine to have a small shower but it also sent a signal you didn’t intend. Tell them how much you love and value them and didn’t want them to feel compelled to get a gift for your baby. People love babies and want to feel a connection. That’s what they want here. You can build that with them if you want.