I (35/f) am engaged to the man (41/m)of my dreams and we’ve done things backwards. First date I knew he was the one, moved in 6months later, 14months together we tried for a baby and were successful, now we have a beautiful baby. He has treated me so well. He isn’t perfect but I’ve accepted his imperfection the way he has accepted mine. You get the picture: with him I’m at peace. We agree on most things but one constant headache is our wedding.
We are both introverted calm people. We don’t drink or party, and don’t like to be the center of attention. We both have always cringed at how expensive weddings are and how no guest is ever happy with your wedding, always finding something to criticize. I’ve never dreamed of a big wedding or it was never my dream to get married. I’ve always wanted to find my soulmate, promise to be together under God, and just have a fun little gathering (like literally a potluck or costume party).
The reasons I’ve never wanted a wedding:
1) I’m a product of an affair meaning I have never had my father in my life and some of his family doesn’t even know I exist
2) I’ve had a horrible relationship with my mother. She was very abusive to me as a child.
3) My stepdad is extremely controlling over my mom + stepsiblings
4) my grandfather is the biggest POS I know as he was physically and emotionally abusive to my whole family
5) most of my family is single, or separated or in an unhappy relationship = I’ve never seen a happy marriage and I’ve been to one wedding
6) I m not in debt, but basically living pay check to paycheck with this economy. I have 8k savings like my life savings. I can’t afford a wedding and my family will not pay or help me out financially for one.
7) I hate being the center of attention and all my friends are spread across the county. But basically I feel like I have like 2 friends.
So, I won’t have anyone to walk me down the aisle , no father daughter dance, I can’t even dance and I dont even listen to danceable music (rap and metal?), I dont even have enough close friends for a bridesmaids, I don’t get the point of a bridal shower. I get anxiety, anger and sadness when I think of weddings. It’s not something I get excited about. I’d be happy with eloping or inviting my family but not expecting anyone to show up.
We had planed to have a church wedding and then go to a buffet. Our families live 6hrs from each other so we wanted to find a place in the middle. I was okay with that, kinda lowkey. However my fiancé today mentioned how people would expect more and they’d want to mingle, dance and that we could think of something a bit bigger. I explained to him how I had no one to walk me down the aisle and I’d really be ashamed and sad about it. He said he understood and suggested we could walk down together which was sweet.
He says he wants a lowkey wedding but that people in his family want to see him get married and except more than church and food. This upsets me bc he doesn’t even get along with most of his family. They barely made an effort to see our baby (we had no baby shower bc I didnt want to host a party just for gifts). We decided on having guests over our apartment so we could really get to know them / or for them to get to know me. Anyways, I felt like we had to beg people to come and then some of his family even cancelled twice on us. They only met our baby at a Christmas dinner.
My family isnt any better. I had to travel to them for them to meet my baby and they barely seemed excited.
So I’m jaded. I feel like everyone says they will come and I know last minute they wont. They didnt even make an effort to meet our baby. I doubt they will drive 3-4 hrs for our wedding. So i dont want to spend money I dont have to have people cancel. I know some of his and my family will come. The ones that really care. And if thats the case then Id love to sit down and talk with them, share my happiness. I dont want loud music, mediocre overpriced food and so many people that I wont even hear my one voice or get a chance to really talk to anyone.
If I go along with a wedding I’ll feel so shitty about the dad situation and then stress about the money. I know I won’t be happy. However, I know my partner has always wanted to get married and have kids. He is the last of his siblings to marry. I don’t want to take that away from him. I feel like a child who is refusing to have a good time. I just can’t seem to get onboard to have a party when I feel like no one really cares about us, people just want an excuse to dress nice and drink and dance. All things I don’t like. I also don’t want to be disappointed when people won’t come or just stay amongst themselves (we both have family members that won’t talk to other family members). Like so much family drama and I don’t want to stress on such a special day. I also think he wants a big wedding celebration bc his family doesn’t get together often and people are getting older/sicker. I feel like the grinch of weddings and I am scared to break my partners hopes and dreams of having a nice wedding. He deserves it, he is a good man, and I wish I could be as excited as he is for the celebration. I already feel married to him and I know he is my soulmate.
Anyways, am I childish or an asshole for not wanting a big wedding? I need help on how to solve this dilemma. I have a feeling I’d cry if I walked down the aisle and I’d hate the day forever.
TLDR: I never had any good men in my life, I don’t have a father or father figure so walking down the aisle etc gives me anxiety. I have been let down my both our families when it came to see our baby, I feel like people will cancel or not come to our wedding and I’ll be disappointed and hurt. However, it seems important to my partner and I don’t know how to find a middle ground.
You don’t have a lot of faith in the institution of marriage, but your partner does. So long as he keeps it under budget, it should be fine. Find out if a male relative on 41M’s side can walk you down.
This will be the only time you ever need to do this. The day means something to him too.
It sounds like couples counseling would be really good for you two. There is a LOT of fear and anxiety underlying your feelings about having a wedding, and that’s just not a good way to approach a celebration of your love however small or large.
There are plenty of places to compromise here but first you need to unpack your trauma in a safe place and you both need to understand fully why the other person wants what they want with no judgment. A good couples counselor can help you with that.
Ask him what his budget is for a wedding. Go look at some venues, the sticker shock will change his mind. Depending on where you live it could be over $100. per plate. That doesn’t include DJ, flowers or pictures.