it’s gonna be a long one so, sorry for that. my friends have already given their piece on this aka told me to give casual dating a try, but i need an objective take on this bc maybe i should just approach things differently idk.. here we go
she was my friend throughout middle school and high school, so in our junior year? i confessed to her, after we’d confided in each other that we’re both bi, which at the time she told me she felt the same, but was too scared to get in a relationship bc it’s not realistic and she wanted to love her partner loudly not in secret, also she was too scared we’d get outed \[we’re in a very homophobic country, it’s not safe at all\] but bc ppl at school always made jokes about us being lesbians, i thought it’s fairly easy to brush off any allegations; however, i did understand her fear, so we just decided friends it is. after a week, she got a boyfriend and that was too much for me at the time so i drifted away from her.
we kept having an on and off friendship with me popping in only when i felt like she needed me in severe cases until i distanced myself completely in uni and finally got over her completely and even had a proper crush on a uni friend \[confessed to him, got rejected and we remained friends\]. anyway she reached out properly and we reconciled and apologised to each other abt things that happened, but she said she viewed us as sisters- which was baffling bc \[1\] im nonbinary and she knows it. \[2\] we literally confessed to each other and made out over it, but sure sisters.
i brushed it off and decided to remain friends at a distance bc i did miss her as a friend, nostalgia works wonders i guess. so we did that and a year later, in my senior uni year, she reached out after we’d met on a random day \[which we rarely ever did\], confessed to me that she’s in love with me and she didn’t realise she still was since school… it was a therapy session conclusion so i knew it was just heightened feelings, i told her as much and called her to let her talk it out properly, but when she suggested we start over and try dating i said no bc i couldn’t trust her like that again. thank fuck i did that bc a few days later she started dating one of her guy friends which ?? that’s when i completely decided we’re better off as strangers and we should not keep up that friendship.
anyhow, after that i still thought of her offer to date and start over, but it was all nostalgia bc she couldn’t even use my correct pronouns now- how would we even date? but this whole fiasco has made me feel unlovable romantically. im surrounded by so much platonic love that im eternally grateful for, but i’ll always wish and hope for the intimacy that comes with a romantic partner yk? my friends said casual dating should be my next go-to, but i can’t fall for someone i’ve only known for a short period, i’m gonna come off as too intense or too detached and im usually more detached bc i worry too much about when i’ll get abandoned again. i’ve never been in a relationship, only situations where i fall in love with a friend that’s either closeted or only sees me as a friend.
i just dk where to go from here, i’m entirely too out of my depth here and i genuinely need someone to advise me on how casual dating works or would look like for someone with my set of problems..
I don’t share your set of problems, but in my very limited experience, dating doesn’t need to be casual.
Do you wish to eventually share your whole life with somebody? Best if you sort out your non-negotiable needs and deal-breakers, as well as what you are willing to compromise on Then just either hang out with friends of friend and make small but intentional steps if reciprocated, or dive into the online flesh market. (dating apps)