So, my mum(61) and I(33) have a not so great relationship at the moment. For some context: We used to be really close, but I got into a deep depression and realised I needed to separate myself from her. I realised her happiness depended too much on mine, and I was too protective of her, which she kind of used to emotionally manipulate me when she wanted something to go her way.
Now, I’m feeling much better, but she thinks I’m still depressed because we’re not back to where we were, and she keeps trying to "fix me", trying to convince me to go to doctors that she will pay for me, because she "wants her daughter back" (this comment has been said many times so far). I have told her that our relationship will not go back to what it was and that I put space between us because I wanted and needed that space, but she does not listen.
To be honest, I love her so much, but I feel like shit because I avoid talking to her or spending time with her now. Most of the times I’ve seen her, she’s tried to get me to do something she wanted me to do, disregarding my "no"s, all my reasonings, everything. She keeps insisting until I get upset, and then she emotionally manipulates me, and it’s just a cycle that I hate. Tbh, I don’t think she does this in a malicious way, it’s just her way of operating.
I have this feeling like every conversation is going to make me feel like I am not good enough, and that every time I try to explain to her how I feel, I hurt her, which just makes me feel worse.
So, the reason why I might be an A-hole. My mum has been sick for the past month. I’ve been trying to call or text, asking her how she was feeling. Yesterday I called her, and it turns out she has resistant bacteria, and she was feeling exhausted. I asked her what she needed, and she cried and said that she needed love and that she was feeling extremely lonely (my parents are divorced so she lives alone). I felt nothing. Nothing but the urge to find an excuse to not go and see her.
I know I should go and see her today. I probably will. But I’m pretty sure I am an a-hole because I really, REALLY do not want to go.
So… Am I the A-hole for not wanting to go visit my mum while she’s sick?