My (25F) roommate (26F) has been struggling with her mental health, and it’s been giving me immense caretaker burnout. When I try to help her, she would come up with excuses why those things wouldn’t work. So I recently told her I’m moving out.
Here’s where I know I’m TA, and I don’t need judgment passed on this one: I told her during a bad time, and in a mean way. I let my emotions and my pride get the better of me. I yelled at her mid-crashout (both hers and mine, frankly), gave her the resources to a crisis center, and told her that that was the last thing I was doing for her, because I was moving out at the end of February.
I spent the weekend cooling off. Most of all, I just felt shame. I texted her to apologize, telling her that she didn’t deserve the stern way in which I treated her.
While I was clearing my head, I resolved that, in order to take care of myself, I’m not budging on my decision to move, I’m not letting her affect my emotions, and I’m only sticking to the responsibilities that I legally have. I ended up in a peaceful place about all of this.
I told her on the 1/11. I’m paying for February, but I’ll be outta here by 2/1, so she’ll need another roommate by March. That was about 48 days notice.
She asked if I might be able to work together with her until the summer so that if her mental health got better, I’d stay. I told her that that was not on the table.
She kept on saying she wants me to understand how much I hurt her. That this is the biggest crisis she’s in now, that her parents had to cancel their vacation to deal with this emergency. She told me that I shattered every bit of progress she’s made, and when I told her I do understand, she said, "Do you?"
And frankly, yeah. I do. I know exactly how much this hurts her and grasp the consequences of it. She thinks that I don’t understand because despite knowing how much this hurts her, I’m doing it anyway.
Engaging with her distress in any way always turns into an unhealthy back-and-forth. I think that that whole conversation, I said nothing else besides, "No," "I understand," and "I’m sorry." I apologized again for my harshness, but that’s it. Beyond that, it’s in nobody’s best interest for me to engage with her emotions at all.
Anyway, she ended the conversation by saying, "Just a heads up, I’ll be crying a lot, and it’s 100% about this.” I told her, "Sounds good." And that was that. I resumed packing.
My personal take is that she’s trying to work my guilt into a codependent dynamic. But I’m burnt out and exhausted, and I need to get out of here before I waste myself away trying to help her.
I think that I gave her ample time to find a roommate (48 days). I can barely stay a second longer. But what are my duties here? What do I owe to her out of human decency, beyond legal obligations? AITA?
TL;DR: I got tired of my roommate’s mental health taking up so much space in my life, so I harshly decided to leave, and she’s now guilt-tripping me.
NTA. Your duties are whatever you lease says, nothing more.
> Just a heads up, I’ll be crying a lot, and it’s 100% about this.”
Atleast she made it easy for you to see through her nonsense.
NTA. She’s ruining your mental health. She’s ruining your peace. She’s ruining your happiness. With her crying comment, she’s trying to manipulate you through guilt. Run. And feel no guilt. She’ll find someone else to latch onto.
NTA. Your roommate is using guilt to make you her therapist. Her mental health is unlikely to improve if all she does is make it everyone else’s problem. She needs a professional therapist, possibly a psychiatrist, and perhaps medication, not crying jags with a roommate.
If it helps, maybe just remind yourself “I am not her therapist. I am not her doctor. I am not her parents.” Her mental health isn’t your responsibility.
NTA
She’s literally trying to guilt trip you into staying and helping her. Are you a caregiver? Are you being paid to be her emotional support person? If the answer is no, you have to ask yourself why is she using you in this manner. How did you end up being her caretakers and the person who has to navigate her emotions? That’s not your job. You aren’t harshly leaving, you are leaving a toxic situation. And honestly, if I were you, I’d try to move sooner and move while she is away from the house (but still pay your share of February) because she is going to cause a HUGE scene on the day you move out.
NTA.
Her mental health is not your problem, and it has been wrong of her to try to make it yours, to shift blame and to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions.
If she is in such a long-term crisis that you are enmeshed in it, and her parents had to cancel plans in order to deal with her situation, it may be that some sort of residential program might be better for her right now, since she cannot handle her issues on her own.
You are absolutely entitled to feel your feelings, to recognize that her issues are hurting you as well and to find a way out. It sounds like there is no good way to advise her of this, since no other tone/action has worked. You’re in the clear – you’re not a psychologist and you’ve gone above and beyond trying to be her sounding board/solution creator already.
NTA. Sounds like she needs professional help, not a roommate to play therapist with. You have to do what’s best for your own wellbeing and getting guilt tripped and trauma dumped on by someone you have no relation to ain’t it.
NTA – you’re not her mom. While its upsetting seeing someone we care about in distress they cannot push all the responsibility onto you. Move out and cut contact if she cant take responsibility for her own issues
Lord in heaven you are not this girl’s mental health therapist and she is guilting you instead of trying to help herself
I would completely check out, leave earlier if you can and leave her to herself
Her family and loved ones should step up and step in.
YNTA. You have a duty of self care
NTA.
Her mental health doesn’t trump yours.
Nta. I’m so fucking proud of you for holding firm in your decision. If her progress was dependent on you, it was never actually progress.
NTA and she’s not your responsibility. Her mental health is for her to figure out, seek professional help, get support from her family,
She is quite manipulative. People seem to think their life is all about mental health. It’s not, it simply isn’t. No one is responsible for another persons stability. I don’t see where you have been the AH at all. Sounds like she needs some tough love and her parents should have gone on. Their vacation. Sounds like she needs a therapist that will require some accountability. People cannot and should not have to deal with someone emotionally bleeding on them all the time
Wow.
*Her* mental health is *her* burden to bear. That may sound cold but it’s true. It sounds like you have your own struggles – and these need to be your priority to deal with.
If her mommy & daddy have to drop everything to come rescue her, that is a *her* problem. Her tears, her accusations – these are (as you have realized) are just manipulations on her part.
She doesn’t care about you. She only cares about what you do for her. She is afraid she won’t find another roomie who will allow her to walk all over them like you have allowed her to do to you.
She is codependent upon you. She *needs* you to let her “go mental” all over you. She doesn’t care what that does to you. Is this the kind of relationship you need in your life right now?
Stand strong. Keep packing. Find somewhere else to live where you can be safe. She needs to deal with her demons, not you.
NTA.