In Oct, I found out that a decade+ long friend (were each other’s best man in wedding) was 7 mos behind on CS and told his ex, “You’ll get it when you get it.” I had been distancing myself from him based on other personal decisions he was making related to co-parenting after years-long attempts at intervention, advice and offering help, but when our fantasy league/friend group was discussing an expensive out-of-state trip, he immediately replied with enthusiasm, declaring his certain participation. This prompted me to subtly reveal his delinquency and that he shouldn’t be spending this type of money when he owes CS. When this went unacknowledged and he further pursued the trip, I was more overt. When confronted with this fact, he stated “It happened. Not for lack of funds.” He downplayed the legal implications (in our state, he already met the time delinquency requirement for being listed on the Child Support Evader’s List and was only two missed payments away from being on it.) Then lied and said it had been resolved and squared away with his ex-wife.
He has since gone no contact with me*, and now is 4 mos behind on CS (so the confrontation did spark some progress). I know he got half of his ex’s 401K in the divorce, so if funds were really the issue, he could tap into that (albeit with the tax implications, but in my mind, if I can’t pay child support, I would be doing that.) I sent a NYD message to say I believe he can turn this around. No response.
I know that he is still living his life in regards to spending money (concerts, trips, dates), while still being delinquent.
It is true that potentially I don’t understand his entire financial picture, and he was possibly lying about funds not being the issue. Perhaps they are an issue and his girlfriend is paying for all of his extracurriculars, but I doubt she would be okay with skirting child support since she is also in a co-parenting situation. The thing is if I knew he was making the child support a priority, I would have no issue with buying him dinner/drinks at a league get together.
Since our friend group has activities, like fantasy league buy-in, out-of-state excursions to FB games, dinners, I feel like him choosing those avenues for his money in lieu of child support is a moral line I don’t want to be party to. But part of me is saying this is none of my business and this is a longterm friendship. WIBTA for replacing him in the league and activities?
[Since the confrontation happened on the league discord, most everyone is aware of the situation, so removal/replacement wouldn’t happen without consensus, so this post is more about is it worth bringing to a discussion/vote with them. One other member is very strongly for removing him, but I could see others fall on the other side.]
*He is still speaking with other members of the group, and did set his lineup until the end of the season. He did not attend the champion crowning this month. All other local guys did.
NTA. More dudes should be like you. There’s so many deadbeat dads out there not being held accountable. Thank you.
NTA
Blind loyalty to old friendships is not a good idea. You are choosing to live by your values and not enable horrible behavior. Good for you!
Wish more people understood that there are higher values than loyalty and stop enabling AH. Only AH demand loyalty, because they know they have no leg to stand on.
I would end my friendship with someone who didn’t pay their child support. That’s a moral issue I would not be able to see past. Soft AH for doing this in a semi public setting, but if it shamed him into paying, I would back you up.
You’re not playing morality police over his entire life or trying to dictate his personal finances in a vacuum.
The core issue here is that he’s actively choosing to spend significant discretionary money on group activities that you all collectively organize and fund – activities that require buy-ins, shared costs, and mutual enthusiasm, while deliberately neglecting a legal and moral debt to his own children that has real consequences (evader list, potential contempt risks, etc.).
NTA. Men need to be calling out other men over not taking care of their children. Men need to be questioned about why they don’t pay their child support but do other expensive things. The care of society’s children is everybody’s business.
I am aware that there are situations with families in poverty where men do not pay child support because it is taken by the govt while their family is receiving TANF. So instead they sometimes pay their family cash directly to bypass this system. Just for the record that’s not what I’m talking about.
Personally, I would not want to maintain a friendship with this person. There’s not much lower a person can go than to neglect their own minor child.
I can think of many much weaker reasons for pushing for a consensus to shut him out than that someone is a shit father. If more men were like you, there’d be way fewer kids out there suffering because of deadbeat parents. It would be great if there were more social pressures from friends to take care of their kids, especially when money is being spent on fun things for themselves. Instead, it’s treated as no big deal, none of my business, he’s a good guy otherwise, etc.
Stick to your guns on this. He might have been a good friend at one time. He’s not anymore.
NTA. Its not his Ex that’s owed money, its the Kids. I don’t support anyone who doesn’t take care of their kids.
You could pretend “its not my business”, but then, who’s business is it to watch out for kids? If society ever gets to the point where we don’t look out for kids, we’re all screwed.
Why would you want to be around someone who puts Fantasy football above paying for their kids? I agree with you on this, I wouldn’t want to hang out with him either.
NTA part of being a friend is telling your friend when they suck. Your friend sucks and he needs to be reminded.
NTA.
Could you have done it privately? Yes. But based on his behaviour / ignoring legal things about this, it likely would not have done anything.
I would not be friends with someone who purposefully ignored child support payments in the same way I would not be friends with someone who cheats, because shared values in relationships are important.
“Birds of a feather flock together” and all that.
It’s also important that men hold other men accountable, as opposed to it falling to women or ignoring it all together.
You decided to be a better exqmple of a father than a friend and youre NTA for not allowing this negligent and financially abusive behavior to go unchecked.
if there were more social consequences like this to not paying child support, or taking advantage of another, then there would be less deadbeat dads. You are not legally bound to a friendship just because of your history.
NTA. Men don’t give a shit about how they’re harming their kids and exes, but they do care if the boys see judging them. You’re doing the work. Keep it up and make everyone in the group be honest about why they’re okay with their boy harming his kids so he can party with them.
It’s not a financial decision. It’s a deliberately arrogant and revengeful decision to punish his ex by depriving the child. You are right to be repulsed by his actions and attitude and if everyone else shared this by their deeds, he’d get what was coming to him.
NTA
It comes down to what kind of person do you want to associate with. You are the company you keep.
Distancing from someone who CHOOSES to be a deadbeat father sounds like the morally correct thing to do. Why the question?